Know what always bothered me about The Terminator?
He probably would’ve seen better without the red.
I mean, they even show you in the movie.
Guy can’t see anything, it’s like looking through Snapple Apple.
You mean to tell me they can send robots through time, but their best stab at eyeballs is repurposing
a Virtual Boy?
Get the f*ck out here.
Not killing Sarah Connor with a Virtual Boy.
Even this would’ve been better.
It’s Arcade's Greatest Hits: The Atari Collection.
Actually, this is not any better.
Anyway, as the title suggests, this is a collection of Atari games.
Specifically, Atari arcade games.
Which is kind of crazy, if you think about it.
I mean, this game was released in 1997, that’s almost 20 years ago.
And even back then, these six games were old enough to be considered “retro.” Old enough
to be combined on a “classics” cartridge.
That’s pretty amazing.
Also a testament to their longevity.
I mean, a couple quirks aside, these games were as playable in 1997 as they were in 1987
as they were in 2007 as they are now.
Except for Battlezone, I f*cking hate Battlezone.
Let’s start with the ones I like, though.
First up, there’s Asteroids.
A game I think should be required playing for every game developer on the planet within
48 hours of starting any game development.
Not that today’s games should look like Asteroids, or copy Asteroids…but they could
sure learn a lot from Asteroids.
Simplicity, accessibility…I mean, this game has two controls.
Move and shoot.
Not a single cut scene to be seen.
And yet, here we are.
Still playing Asteroids.
It’s a timeless game, a game that defines games, to this day.
Even without any of today’s over-complicated, technology-obsessed, graphics-first bullsh*t…
Then again, I’m the one asking for better visual tech for terminators, so.
I guess I’m one to talk.
Anyway, Asteroids rules, and this is actually a pretty solid version of it.
It plays great, it does a nice job of mimicking those classic vector graphics…for me, this
is definitely the highlight of the package.
But coming in a close second is this, Centipede.
And the amazing thing is that, like Asteroids, this is an ancient freaking video game…
And yet, just like Asteroids, it’s a game that still plays great.
It’s incredible.
There are PS2 games that feel more outdated than Centipede.
Seriously, there’s nothing about this game functionally that makes it feel old, it’s
amazing.
I mean, it’s frustrating as hell, and hard as balls…but never old as balls…
Only thing worse than old balls?
F*cking Battlezone.
Anyway, might as well jump into this one, it’s Battlezone.
It’s a first-person tank game from 1980, with vector graphics.
Oh, boy.
And listen, nothing against Battlezone’s influence, or its legacy…but unlike the
first two games, this is a game that does feel old.
This is where the oldness starts to creep in a bit, because this one doesn’t play
great for 2015.
At least, not this version.
It’s slow, it’s sluggish…and I know, I know, “Derek, they’re tank controls,
they’re supposed to be.”
Yeah, doesn’t mean they’re fun.
I mean, orange Circus Peanuts are what they’re supposed to be, doesn’t mean they’re good,
either.
What’s that, Battlezone?
Enemy to my left?
Oh, well let me take ten minutes to turn and find him…
What’s that, Battlezone?
He shot me before I could even turn around?
Of course, he did.
F*ck you, Battlezone.
Actually, as much as Battlezone frustrates me, I actually prefer it to this version of
Super Breakout.
Holy crap, I didn’t break anything in this damn thing.
Except my sanity.
Another example of what happens when a game that shouldn’t be played with a d-pad…
Ends up on a system with a d-pad.
Derek goes crazy and throws that d-pad, across the room.
Thanks, Super Breakout.
There’s also Missile Command, which also isn’t ideal with a d-pad, but manages a
bit better…as well as Tempest, which is probably my third favorite game on the cartridge.
I’ve always loved the idea, the look, the style…and this one doesn’t work bad on
the Super Nintendo, either.
So there you have it.
Asteroids rules, Centipede is also very good, even with a d-pad, same goes for Tempest…and
these other two games can die of gonorrhea and rot in hell, with Dan Marino.
At least, these versions of the other two games.
Under ideal circumstances, I’d be enjoying them.
There’s nothing ideal about this.
Except that it was sent to us by Marc, from Fresh Meadows, New York.
Sounds like a place where you’d frolic a lot.
I’ll tell you what.
More Asteroids and Centipede, I’m frolicking all over the place.
Tempest, too.
For those three games, this is a decent little complication for your Super Nintendo.
For the other two…those are for your enemies, the other two.
It’s Arcade's Greatest Hits: The Atari Collection.