("All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey)
(plays twice speed and then slows right down)
- [Narrator] It's the most wonderful time of the year
as long as you don't mind hearing
Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You
fucking everywhere.
It's inescapable.
But how did we get to this point?
"All I Want for Christmas is You" erupted in 1994,
when the only means for mass music distribution
were radio and TV, both federally controlled by the FCC.
We were inundated with this track,
and as a society have grown to believe
it can't be Christmas time without Mariah.
23 years later, we're all complicit pawns
in its annual distribution,
blasting it into our own brainwashed ears.
File this away under Less than Shocking,
but the Government has a rich history
of using music as a weapon.
Sound torture is not a new thing, or unique to the US.
It dates back to the ancient Aztecs as a tool of war,
but Uncle Sam found that songs
with repetitive lyrical content, like Barney's I Love You,
and intense decibel ranges, Metallica's Enter Sandman,
are effective ways to turn a human brain into egg nog.
Think about that the next time you hear Mariah
nail those high notes while repeating the same lyrics
over and over and over and over again.
The entire premise of the song is
Mariah doesn't want gifts this Christmas,
all she wants is time with her romantic partner.
But anyone who has ever been in any kind of relationship
knows this is a trap.
If your significant other says
they don't want anything for Christmas,
they definitely still want something for Christmas.
The full song title should be
All I Want for Christmas is You
To Still Buy Me Some Shit or Else I'm Dumping Your Sorry Ass
Hearing this song throughout the holiday season
triggers a primal fight or flight
or max out my credit card instinct,
that subconsciously scares you
into buying more gifts than you would have otherwise
to guarantee your mate doesn't abandon you
in the middle of a cold winter.
All of this fuels the seasonal business
that accounts for 19.2% of all retail sales in America,
and 768,000 Christmas related jobs.
You have Mariah to thank for your yearly economic boom
you can set your watch to.
This is still a trap.
At the very least, you better show up on Christmas
with a hand made book of love coupons
for things like a shitty back massage
or a month of no farts.
These coupons often have no cash value,
but will still cause you to spend money
on arts and crafts supplies,
along with your valuable time you could have spent
plotting to overthrow the Government.
Attempting to circumvent all of this
and just get a card this Christmas?
Congratulations, you just bought one
of the 1.9 billion Christmas cards
purchased in the US every year, according to a 2005 Census.
All those cards are taxed, and those taxes add up.
There's nothing you can do
to escape Mariah's siren song of spending.
Mariah clearly states in the song
that she wants her romantic partner
to be hers and only hers, presumably forever.
She's not interested in anything casual,
or one of those functional polyamorous relationships
people on Reddit lie about having.
She wants a monogamous commitment
that directly benefits the US Government.
From a practical standpoint,
marriage lowers the risk of mass sedition.
Have you ever tried to pick a place to eat with your spouse?
Now imagine trying to agree on a revolutionary cause.
That project is never getting off the ground.
From a fiscal perspective,
the business of getting married
was estimated to be worth over $53 billion a year in 2014,
but because your simple ass thought
you'd found your soulmate when you locked eyes
in the sweater department of Macy's
while a Mariah Carey song was playing,
you're probably gonna wind up divorced,
because you two don't have shit in common
besides Macy's, Mariah Carey and sweaters.
And the annual business of getting divorced
generates a whopping $175 billion,
and around and around we are all doomed to go,
while Uncle Sam takes his cut.
Thanks, Mariah!
But it's not enough to settle down and get married
to whoever you're dating when you're 30.
In order to be a good cog in society,
you need to have a child.
Mariah's song wants you to create another mouth to feed,
which means working hard to spend more money until you die.
And, more importantly, providing the United States
with another soldier in the very likely event
we have to battle robots in the near future.
Mariah uses the word "Baby"
an average of once every 21 seconds in the song.
If you don't wanna have unprotected sex
with the intention of conceiving a child,
or at least consider adopting by the end of the song,
there's something wrong with you.
She also talks a lot about holding hands and kissing,
two things I'm told can lead to sex.
And that sex will probably lead to you
having a stupid ass kid.
Guess what?
You'll have to buy that stupid ass kid
many gifts for many Christmases yet to come,
further bolstering the bottom line for our national economy.
By the time New Year's rolls around,
all we wanna do is buy stuff and fuck,
and get married and have babies for another 10 months,
until the cycle starts again.
Mariah's message has been sufficiently
drummed into our skulls one more time,
and we are mindless robots
ready to perpetuate the patriarchal Government
and seasonal retail economy.
Before we know it, November rears its autumnal head,
and it's all Mariah, all the time, everywhere you go,
whether you like it or not, motherfucker.
Then we cart her out on national TV to sing
All I Want for Christmas is You
in increasingly grand ceremonies
that the Romans might see and say, this feels a bit much.
So this holiday season,
if you wanna buy your loved one something nice,
or get married and have a dumb kid,
do it because it's something you wanna do,
not because Mariah brainwashed you
in the Best Buy checkout line.
And if I disappear tomorrow,
never to be heard from again,
it's because I was right about all of this
and the Government silenced me.
But I'd rather die on my feet
than live sitting on Santa's lap.
All I Want for Christmas is The Truth!