- A lot of beautiful girls here tonight. That's exciting.
I don't know. Can you tell girls they're beautiful?
I don't even know anymore. Ones clapping.
Oh, that was a guy I think that clapped.
trying to get laid back there
and uh, me too.
(Crowd laughing)
Can you tell girls that pretty? I don't even know anymore.
I told a girl she was pretty the other day,
she got mad at me. She was like,
I don't need you to validate me.
(Crowd laughing)
Yikes
She's just trying to be nice.
I didn't mean to imply that you're a ball parking garage
ticket.
Uhhh
(Crowd laughing)
It's like, it makes you feel any better,
I only think you're pretty on the outside now.
Uhhh
(Crowd laughing and clapping)
You seem like a very unpleasant human being to me.
(Crowd laughing)
It's hard to come across.
I check girls out though. We all do that. Right,
guys check out girls, girls checkout guys.
It's only natural. Right?
You ever get caught checking out a girl with your
girlfriend? Not because she sees you,
but because you elbow her thinking,
she's one of your buddies. That's
My girlfriend and I at the park. I'm like,
hey, check out this
ugly bitch over here.
(Crowd laughing and clapping)
I hate that woman.
Thought you were Phil, sorry about that.
I just don't like the rough stuff. I think I'm scarred.
One time I had sex with a woman and she was like, very,
I was single and drinking at the time.
She was very aggressive.
This girl was like a one night stand.
She like threw me down in the bed, which I was kind of into.
But then she got on top and we started to make love or
whatever. And it got really aggressive.
She just started bouncing wildly, no rhythm,
just like a herky jerky.
(Crowd laughing)
It was like she was riding a bike with a flat tire.
I was like, just pick up the bike and run with it.
(Crowd laughing)
Then it got more aggressive.
She started shoving my shoulders into the bed really hard.
And then she started calling me a nerd.
She was like, yeah, you're a nerd.
You like that? You nerd.
I don't like that.
You're hurting my shoulders and my feelings also,
also I'm not really a nerd. I just have bad eye sight.
You're being very judgmental. All right.
I understand I'm wearing glasses,
but I'm a very good athlete and I'm bad at math.
and I hate SciFi. Also, I'm getting laid right now.
That's not very nerdy, is it? Pretty cool if you asked me.
(Crowd cheering and clapping)
Yeah, thank you!
And she was like, shut up you bitch,
and she started choking me.
It's true.
If you're into choking, that's cool.
I'm not here to judge
but you can't choke the first time you have sex with
somebody.
I know you might be murdering me.
I have no idea who you are.
We didn't go over a safe road.
So I just started guessing I was like chocolate chips,
Advil, pennies, please get off of me.
(Crowd laughing)
I guess that was her fetish was to have sex with a nerd,
but she didn't run it by me beforehand. You know,
in order for fetish sex to take place,
both parties have to sign off on it. You know,
like I like high heels during sex,
but the girl's not into it. I won't put them on.
You know what I mean? It's a, that's just for the kids.
That one, it's a nice, silly, very silly.
(Crowd laughing)
Recently my girlfriend and I, we were on vacation.
We were in Vermont. We were about to make love at a hotel
and right before we started to have sex, she was like, wait,
I just got creeped out.
That's not a sentence you ever want to hear right before
sex.
I was like, why are you creeped out?
She was like,
could you check under the bed to make sure that nobody's
under there?
And I was like, well,
you have just come up with the most efficient way to get rid
of an erection of all time,
because I am now terrified and have no interest in having
sex.
I was like, what am I supposed to do
ff someone's under the bed? She was like, protect me.
And I was like, I'll put on a condom if you want protection,
but I don't wanna do it with this guy under the bed.
How was that conversation supposed to go?
I'm naked and never been in one fight ever in my entire
life.
I'm just going to bounce a Hitchcock character out of our
hotel room.
Like I'm leaning under there. Oh my God.
There's someone under there,
honey you nailed it.
Come on out of there you son of a gun!
We've had it up to here with your shenanigans.