- It's Wednesday.
According to our comments section,
these were your favorite jokes yesterday.
Target was pretty good.
There was a lot about the um--
(snaps fingers)
Unpronounceable.
Oh!
Bam-pa-dampa-dah.
Favorite comment,
was a question,
it is ga-douche or Gadezsh?
It's Gadezsh,
with a Z-S-H.
All right, here we go,
Lionel Richie proposed a
"We are the World" remake
for Coronavirus aid.
He said he's gonna call it "We Were the World."
Now, I think he should watch Imagine
and see how that starts the video,
panned-out.
Heard it got some
thumbs down.
- [Audience] Woahhh!
(chuckles) Too much for that.
50 Cent is worried he's going to
get fat during the- uh- Coronavirus.
He's already blowing up to over a dollar,
and you gotta watch that,
cause everyone's eating carbs and Funyuns.
With groceries stores empty many are turning to
meal delivery kits for dinner.
Now you can go from not having any food
to having not enough food.
They don't give you that much.
Kim Kardashian is trying to stop publication
of a book about her sex tape.
It'll be the first time you read a book and go
the movie was better.
Remember that movie?
Those
were
the
days
my friend (mumbles).
Oh bop-bop-beep-boop-boop.
At the Surgeon General's request
Kylie Jenner released a video
urging followers to stay inside.
In return,
the Surgeon General will be wearing
Kylie's lip kit in the shade of Handbag Hoe.
Hey
Hoe.
Kylie showed off her new,
brand new, Louis Vuitton chopsticks.
Some Kardashian insiders are saying
it's the biggest waste of money
since her second face.
Now,
I like the second face.
I thought that was probably the best one.
It wasn't too crazy.
By the way, can we back up to Louis Vuitton chopsticks?
It's a bit of bragging.
They write the little logo on the sides.
Fuck it.
Fuck that.
Kourtney Kardashian was seen taking her
dog for a walk in a baby carriage
and joking that she-
she's the homeschool P.E. teacher.
I wish I was a Kardashian,
so my jokes didn't have to make any sense,
and I'd get 12 million likes.
Everyone's like "hahaha, huh?"
Who fucking wrote that?
Mason or Penelope?
(bowling sounds)
Shit!
I don't even get muffled laughs anymore.
Neil Diamond changed words to "Sweet Caroline"
to remind people to socially distance.
Sir Mix-a-Lot did the same thing with his song,
Baby Got Back-teria.
I like big butts and it ain't no lie,
these germs are gonna make me die.
I can't sing too much, or I get sued.
These germs are gonna make me die, that's not bad.
Sweet bacteria.
A man received death threats after
a video of him buying all the meat
from a Canadian supermarket went viral.
Of course, in Canada, when they say,
I hope you don't have a perfectly great day,
that's considered a death threat.
Cause they're nice over there.
A new extension for Microsoft can filter out
the sound of you eating potato chips on a conference call.
Hmm. Meanwhile, Coronavirus is still non-cured.
Can we take some of the guys off the potato chip thing
and put them on the cure?
Apple added an emoji
of elbow bumping.
Ya know?
Because of this.
They were quick to act after
the fireman emoji developed a cough.
And everyone's like,
all the other emojis are like...
Even the face that's like this already...
That was even worse.
But the other one's sort of turned into that face.
The eye roll one is actually just looking up
at the fireman one.
Is anybody gonna--
Emojis.
Have feelings to- ya know?
Law and Order star
Christopher Meloni treated fans to a shirtless selfie.
He was wearing a kilt.
So if your mom seems extra horny today, that's why.
In his new memoir, Woody Allen says
he'll never really know if Ronan Farrow
is his real biological son.
Or, the son of Frank Sinatra.
You know the only way to tell 100% for sure,
is if you look at pictures of them.
With your eyes.
Then you go-
Obviously Frank Sinatra's kid.
You don't need to bring in fucking 23andMe.
A Brooklyn man used a drone to hit on a woman
during the Coronavirus lockdown.
I guess he feels like it's important in these trying times
that no woman ever feels safe or comfortable.
But that drone is the first robot-
did you hear this?
To get R2 me-2'd.
(whistles)
Oh dear, Master Luke.
R2 they're taking you way.
The Polish government is asking citizens
to send selfies proving their complying
with quarantine rules.
Unfortunately, their Polish,
so they keep trying to take selfies on a landline.
Hahaha.
(claps)
Yeah!
It said you're out, right?
It's supposed to say you're out!
Doesn't it just say ah-ah?
Okay I'll give you a different one.
(faint quack)
That's a duck quack?
Hang on, we're gonna have a big finale.
And that's been,
a wasted 5 minutes.
(clock ticking)
I'm David Spade.
(upbeat music)