-Here at "Late Night,"
every night I deliver a monologue
made up of jokes written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that,
due to my being a straight, white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you now
in a segment called Jokes Seth Can't Tell.
♪♪
-Surprise!
It's the 50th Jokes Seth Can't Tell!
-Can you believe Seth let us do this 50 times?
What a frigging idiot.
-To celebrate, we planned a fun surprise.
-Well, fun for us.
-And we did not tell Seth.
-Just to be clear, Seth does not know what's about to happen,
but he's probably already figured out
he's not gonna like it.
-So hold on to your butts
for this brand new extra-special 50th
Jokes Seth Can't Tell.
♪♪
-Make way for those who tell the jokes that Seth cannot.
[ Fanfare ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Hello.
We are two of Seth's writers, Amber and Jenny.
-Now...
[ Laughter ]
...is it going to be the same script we read earlier today?
-We'll find out. -No, it will not.
-We wrote a whole script for nothing!
And then he approved the jokes like a frigging idiot.
-And he gave us notes and we wrote them down with pencils.
-"Oh, we're gonna fix it." -"Okay, good idea, Seth."
-We met three different times on it.
-And this man has no free time.
-Also, I can't believe you had Ian dress up like that.
-Why not? -That was the main point.
-Just so you know, based on the costumes
and the budget cuts we're going to have to make,
Ian's gone.
His last day.
Amber is Black and Jenny is gay and they're both women.
-And Seth is not, so normally he reads the setups
to the jokes and we read the punch lines.
-But this is a special occasion.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So this time, we're going to do things differently.
We are going to read the setups
and Seth is going to read the punch lines,
and he's learning that right now as I'm saying it.
-And it's going to go great, and there will be
no repercussions for him telling these jokes.
-And he's going to feel super comfortable the whole time.
-Ready? Here we go. -Okay.
A new play will open in London next year
called "Cowboys and Lesbians."
-Said audiences,
"I can't tell which is which."
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God.
-If that's how you want to start, then okay.
-Wow, that is really -- I am a little ashamed.
-Mm-hmm. -A team of all Black women
is planning to climb Mount Kilimanjaro next year.
-Word has it, there's a nail salon at the top.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow!
-[ Laughs ] How dare you!
-Yeah. -Wow.
Wow. We're only going to give you eight more chances.
-Yeah, that was second?
-A coffeehouse in Ithaca
recently created a social group for lesbians.
-A social group for lesbians,
or as it's more commonly known,
the military.
[ Crowd groans ]
-Whoa. -Wow.
Wow. -This is real champagne.
-Yes, yes, yes. -Yes.
-You think this ain't a real margarita,
you got another think coming.
-We chose it to go with your real discomfort.
-According to a recent article,
due to the stress of racism,
many Black Americans are leaving the US.
-"That's too bad,"
said white people, lying.
[ Crowd groans ]
-Oh, wow. -I don't --
-Wow. -Guys!
I cannot -- I cannot believe he said that.
-I can't either.
-I can't stress enough, that's not what's on the card.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. Wow.
-A reporter recently apologized
for asking the captain of Morocco's
national soccer team if any of her teammates are gay.
-He meant to ask,
"Are any of your teammates not gay?"
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, okay. -Wow. Wow.
-Should we leave or should we do more?
-I guess the only way to fix this is to do more.
-In a recent interview,
Lauryn Hill defended arriving late to her concerts.
-Said Black fans, "It's fine,
We're late too."
-Why did you shrug?
-Yeah, why would you? -You added in extra flavor!
-Like it's no big deal, like racism is --
-It said "shrug" on the card! -I did not see that.
-You guys should be so impressed with how well I've read this
exactly how you've written it,
considering what I'm going through right now.
-Cannot stress enough, he has never seen these cue cards.
-We rehearsed this in my dressing room before the show,
and today, I heard, "Their hair and makeup is taking too long.
Are you fine not rehearsing?"
I was like, "Of course I'm fine not rehearsing.
Those two are the best."
-But aren't we?
[ Clears throat ] Excuse me.
A recent article in the "New York Times"
profiled several lesbian ballet dancers.
-And they all had one thing in common.
They all wear these.
"Open drawer."
Lesbian ballet dancers. There you go.
[ Laughter ]
-That's pretty good. -That's pretty good.
-Good job, Seth. You're doing a good job.
-This desk is a sacred place.
-More like was.
Princeton University's newspaper
recently published an article titled
"African American Studies is meant for everyone."
-Unlike Princeton, which is meant for white people.
-Wow. Wow.
-The speed with which he said it.
-Yeah.
-You know what? I'm starting to get in the groove.
You know what?
Now I'm just going to do them all with pure enthusiasm
like I believe it.
-Okay, great. -Yeah.
-Uh-oh.
[ Laughter ]
-I have literally --
We've almost done 1,500 episodes of this show.
That's the most audible "uh-oh"...
And I think there were two of them.
-It was like the audience member was miked.
-Yeah.
-[ Clears throat ] -[ Clears throat ]
-Subaru is planning to introduce
three new electric vehicles by 2026.
-So now lesbians will own two things
that are battery-operated.
[ Audience roars ]
-Oh, my God.
-You girls know what I'm talking 'bout.
[ Laughter ]
-I mean, yeah, but...
-Hey, guys, why don't -- Oh, yeah, you guys.
Hey, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, no. -We couldn't.
-Oh, come on. Just tell one.
-I don't feel like it'll end well.
-Do it.
-Okay. -Okay.
-A new show about the life of Melissa Etheridge
has opened on Broadway, and this is cool --
Melissa Etheridge will be
played by Seth.
-How dare you?
-You told us it would be okay!
-You both should be ashamed and delighted with yourself.
-Straight white men are liars!
♪♪
-We'll be right back with Gayle King.
Stick around. -Very impressed.
[ Applause ]