At this moment, there's a chance that you're staring at your phone, contemplating what
to do next, having realized that there's no toilet paper left on the roll.
"The horror…….The horror…"
"Well," you say to yourself, "this isn't the end of the world.
People have been taking care of toilet business for as long as there have been people, and
toilet paper is a relatively new invention.
I can just deal with this the way folks did in the old days."
Then, you might wonder to yourself: "How did folks deal with this in the old days?"
The answers are as varied as they are creative.
And, we're not gonna lie, pretty unanimously gross.
What follows is not for the faint of heart: a journey through the history of potty time
hygiene.
Because you know what?
With a few thousand years of recorded civilization under our belts, a good chunk of America is
still at the point of rubbing paper on our you-know-whats and calling it a day.
Consider that, and then, consider…
"Rocks, right?"
"Rocks.
Yes."
That's right: According to History.com, early humans "used a variety of natural tools and
materials to clean themselves."
What kind of tools, you might be wondering?
Oh, just freakin' stones.
They'd then proceed to wash themselves with water or snow.
The website also mentions that, in a preemptive callout to the 1993 masterpiece Demolition
Man, some unfortunate, and probably very, very sore, communities used seashells.
We'll leave it to you to figure out how.
"The place where you're supposed to have the toilet paper, you've got this little shelf
with three seashells on it.
He doesn't know how to use the three seashells!"
By the first century AD, Romans were using a communal sponge on a stick, with some archaeologists
theorizing that they'd be washed in vinegar or salt water before being put back into rotation.
There's some evidence that the affluent would use handmade scraps of fabric, which, considering
how textiles were painstakingly made by hand at the time, would have been a doozy of a
power move.
Meanwhile in Asia, things were looking even less Charmin squeezable.
"My hiney's clean.
Oh yeah, I'm Charmin clean."
Out of India and into China came Buddhist missionaries, and with them, a new way of
staying oh-so-fresh.
The śalākā, or, quite literally, "dookie stick," was a thin, smooth piece of wood used
for wiping up after squatting down.
The high class citizenry took to wrapping these instruments in perfumed fabric.
It wasn't until the 6th century that the Chinese invented the idea of paper for the purposes
of toilet time.
According to History.com, the advent of mass-produced Chinese wiping paper came around the early
14th century, and by 1393, the Imperial Family was calling for thousands of custom sheets
of perfumed tissue for their personal use.
Rank has privileges, and first among them is "not being rank."
"Oh, I get it.
I see what you did there."
"Yep."
"Should've seen that coming."
And then, a hero was born of American industrialism: Atlas Obscura reports that in 1857, one Joseph
Gayetty introduced the world to Gayetty's Medicated Paper for the Water Closet, which
he billed as "The Greatest Necessity of the Age!"
Gayetty's was a first-of-its-kind mass-produced commercial product that, we'll be honest,
sounds pretty great compared to the previously available options…until you find out about
one important detail.
The invention came at a time when America was content with using torn out catalogue
pages and newspaper in pursuit of a less smelly day.
With that in mind, Gayetty sold to his customers' unrealized fears.
His advertisements featured sinister language about the potential toxins found in printer
ink, describing them as, quote, "death-dealing material" and, quote, "rank poison to tender
portions of the body."
His solution was a hemp-based manila paper, coated with a soothing, lubricating aloe,
and with each sheet lovingly watermarked with his company's name.
For three decades, Gayetty's was the biggest game in town, and it remained a standard in
toilet tissue design until 1935, when the inaccurately named Northern Tissue Company
introduced, and here's the glaring flaw in the Gayetty product, the more popular "splinter-free
toilet paper."
Yes.
You heard that right.
Somebody had to specifically invent a toilet paper without splinters in it, less than 100
years ago.
Let that sink in and realize that your day could be considerably more horrific.
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