>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST
NIGHT'S AGONIZING PRESIDENTIAL SHOUT-FEST, IN WHICH DONALD
TRUMP INTERRUPTED JOE BIDEN OVER 70 TIMES WHILE CHRIS WALLACE
TRIED TO STOP HIM LIKE A BABY THROWING PENNIES AT A
BATTLESHIP.
TRUMP WAS OUT OF CONTROL THE ENTIRE EVENING.
THE WHOLE THING GAVE A NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "WHITE
NOISE."
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRIS WALLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.
AT THE NEXT DEBATE, THEY SHOULD JUST GIVE THE MODERATOR A
BUTTON TO BRING ON THE SLIME.
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DESPISED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.
ACCORDING TO A CBS POLL, OF THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED IT,
69% FELT ANNOYED.
ANNOYED.
REALLY, EVIDENTLY, "GOUGING OUT MY EYES WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON"
WAS NOT AN OPTION.
SURPRISINGLY, THE VERY SAME POLL FOUND THAT 17% OF DEBATE
WATCHERS CAME AWAY FEELING INFORMED.
REALLY?
17% FELT INFORMED AFTER WATCHING THAT?
WHAT DID THEY LEARN?
I LEARNED THAT WHEN THEY GO LOW, THEY CAN ACTUALLY GO MUCH
LOWER.
A CNN POLL ALSO FOUND THAT SIX IN 10 SAY BIDEN WON THE DEBATE.
WON?
I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THAT.
THERE ARE NO WINNERS HERE, EXCEPT FOR ARIS, THE TRICKSTER
GOD OF CHAOS.
A WINNER IMPLIES A CONTEST WHERE THE PARTIES FOLLOW AGREED-UPON
RULES TO REACH A SPECIFIC GOAL.
THIS WAS MORE LIKE WATCHING A BASKETBALL GAME WHERE THE FINAL
SCORE WAS "THE BEAUTIFUL FLAMES.
THEY TALK TO ME UPON ONE THING THAT EXPERTS AGREE ON
IS DEBATES DON'T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING.
SO NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE, AND WE HAVE TO DO THIS TWO MORE
TIMES!
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING
THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DONALD TRUMP
TO SHUT UP.
IT'S HARD TO WATCH ANY OF THIS AND BELIEVE ANYONE COULD STILL
BE OUT THERE UNDECIDED, BUT THEY EVIDENTLY ARE.
AND LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS A FOCUS GROUP OF THESE MENTALLY
IMPAIRED UNICORNS ORGANIZED BY REPUBLICAN POLLSTER AND GUY
DRUNK DIALING BATMAN, FRANK LUNTZ.
LUNTZ-- HI, FRANK!
GATHERED 15 UNDECIDEDS TO RESPOND TO THE DEBATE OVER ZOOM.
OH, PLEASE, PLEASE CAN WE DO THE NEXT DEBATE OVER ZOOM?
( AS MODERATOR )
ON MUTE.
NO, DON'T SHARE YOUR SCREEN!
YOUR TABS AREN'T SAFE FOR WORK!" AND LUNTZ ASKED THEM THIS
QUESTION: >> MICHELLE, WORD OR PHRASE TO
DESCRIBE DONALD TRUMP TONIGHT?
>> HORRID.
>> SARAH?
>> CHAOTIC.
>> ROB?
>> UNPOLISHED.
>> RUTHY?
>> CRACKHEAD.
>> Stephen: CRACKHEAD.
HOW DARE YOU MALIGN THE GOOD NAME OF CRACKHEADS.
UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP, CRACKHEADS HAVE A CLEAR POLICY: GIVE ME
SOME CRACK.
ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER OFFERED THIS:
( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
USE THE DIAL, MERRILL.
JUST USE THE DIAL.
BUT DESPITE THEIR HARSH WORDS ABOUT TRUMP, THE VOTERS STILL
COULDN'T MAKE UP THEIR MINDS POST-DEBATE, LIKE JENNIFER FROM
PENNSYLVANIA, WHO SAID THIS: >> OH, I AM DEFINITELY
UNDECIDED.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I'M GOING TO VOTE TO-- FOR.
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO GET MY VOTE.
I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DEBATE.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
AT THIS POINT, I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT COULD SWAY UNDECIDED
VOTERS.
"WELL, THE ONE GUY MAKES ME EMBARRASSED TO LIVE IN MY
COUNTRY.
BUT THE OTHER GUY IS SLEEPY, ACCORDING TO THE FIRST GUY WHO,
AGAIN, IS A TOTAL PSYCHOPATH.
SO, IT'S A COIN TOSS."
JENNIFER WASN'T ALONE.
ROB FROM IOWA SAID THIS: >> THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.
PERSONALLY, IT'S A DARTBOARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,
WHO'S GONNA WIN IT.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
BECAUSE WATCHING TRUMP, MY REACTION WAS LESS DARTBOARD AND
MORE TRANQ DART: >> THE ONLY THING I HAVEN'T DONE
A GOOD JOB, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE FAKE NEWS.
>> IT'S JUST FAKE NEWS.
>> Stephen: IT'S FINE.
THEY'RE GOING TO PUT AN EAR TAG ON HIM AND RELEASE HIM BACK INTO
THE WILD.
HE'S GOT A VERY HIGH THRESHOLD FOR PAIN.
ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER DID STAND OUT FROM THE REST BY DELIVERING
A CLEAR, CONCISE OPINION OF THE PRESIDENT.
HERE'S LUKE FROM WISCONSIN: >> TRUMP IS ANNOYING.
HE'S UNPRESIDENTIAL.
HE'S ANNOYING.
AND IT'S LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.
>> Stephen: YES, FINALLY!
THANK YOU, LUKE.
YOU'RE LIVING PROOF THAT UNDECIDED VOTERS ARE CAPABLE OF
SEEING THE LIGHT AND-- >> BUT HIM ACTING THAT WAY
DOESN'T NECESSARILY IMPACT MY BOTTOM LINE.
>> Stephen: UH, MERYL, IF YOU DON'T MIND?
( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT OF THIS-- OR REALLY ANY DEBATE--
WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN
WHITE SUPREMACY.
>> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS
AND MILITIA GROUPS-- >> SURE.
I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.
I WANT TO SEE PEACE-- >> THEN DO IT, SIR.
>> DO IT.
SAY IT.
>> YOU WANNA CALL THEM?
WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THEM?
GIVE ME A NAME.
GIE ME A NAME.
>> WHITE SUPREMICISTS AND RIGHT WING MILITIA.
>> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT DENOUNCING.
THAT'S TROUBLING.
IT'S LIKE WHEN THE DEBATE MODERATOR ASKED NIXON TO
DENOUNCE PSYCHOTIC THRILL-KILL CULTS, AND HE SAID:
MANSON FAMILY, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE LITTLE PIGGIES CRAWLING IN THE DIRT?
HELTER SKELTER.
HELTER SKELTER!" HE SAID THAT.
I LEGALLY COULD NOT MAKE THAT JOKE UNLESS HE ACTUALLY SAID
THAT.
IF I'M WRONG, MR. NIXON, CALL ME.
THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR, BECAUSE
WITHIN MINUTES, GROUP MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S
COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS.
NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT IT.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF
NATURAL LUBRICATION.
THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE OF WORDS WAS SO INSPIRING TO THESE RACIST
NUMBSKULLS THAT TODAY, THE PROUD BOYS STARTED SELLING MERCH WITH
THEIR NEW CATCHPHRASE.
A GOOD INDICATION THAT YOU DIDN'T PROPERLY DENOUNCE SOMEONE
IS WHEN THEY MAKE YOUR DENOUNCIATION THEIR NEW SLOGAN.
THAT'S WHY JOE McCARTHY NEVER WORE A T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "AT
LONG LAST, SIR, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?"
NOW THIS IS A WEIRD LITTLE DETAIL.
THE PROUD BOYS NAME IS A REFERENCE TO A SONG FROM THE
STAGED MUSICAL VERSION OF THE DISNEY FILM "ALADDIN."
IT'S AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO BROADWAY.
BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM TOXIC RIGHT-WING ALPHA
MALES: SHOW TUNES!
"FOSSE, FOSSE, GOOSE STEP, FOSSE, FOSSE, SHOOT."
THE GROUP HAS STAUNCH RIGHT-WING BELIEFS, INCLUDING
"VENERATING THE HOUSEWIFE."
LISTEN, I HOPE THEY HAVE GOOD LAWYERS, BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO THE
NAME OF ANDY CONE'S NEW BRAVO SHOW!
MOST ALARMINGLY, THEIR PLATFORM ALSO INCLUDES A PLEDGE TO REFUSE
TO MASTURBATE.
WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE THEIR WHITE POWER HAND GESTURES LOOK LIKE
THEY'RE READY TO, LET'S SAY, FLOG THE FUROR AT ANY MOMENT.
WHERE DID THEY RECRUIT THESE YOUNG MEN?
( AS MOM ) ( KNOCKING )
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, JOHNNY?"
( AS TEEN )
GOD, JUST PLANNING A RACE WAR!" AND WHAT DO THEY MEAN, "REFUSE"?
WHO'S OUT THERE DEMANDING THAT THEY MASTURBATE?
( AS PROUD BOY )
WITH THEIR YOGA PANTS AND SPORTS BRAS WANT ME TO HAMMER MY OWN
SICKLE!
OOH, THEY WOULD LOVE ME TO SEIZE MY OWN MEANS OF PRODUCTION!
NOT TODAY, COMRADE!" NO, DOWN, DOWN!
THE SOUTHERN POVERTY LAW CENTER DESCRIBES THE PROUD BOYS AS A
FIGHT CLUB FRATERNITY OF YOUNG WHITE, PRO-TRUMP MEN.
MIGHT SEEM LIKE AN ODD COMPARISON, BUT REMEMBER THIS
SCENE FROM THE MOVIE: >> THE FIRST RULE OF
FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!
THE SECOND RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WANKERS; DONALD TRUMP.
THE PRESIDENT APPARENTLY DIDN'T GET HIS FILL OF SCREAMING INTO A
CAMERA LAST NIGHT, SO HE HELPED HIMSELF TO SOME LEFTOVER
RAGE IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: >> CHOPPER TALK!
>> Stephen: WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY IN THE WHITE HOUSE
STARTED LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS AND REALIZED THAT "SIDING WITH A
VIOLENT HATE GROUP" DOESN'T POLL WELL WITH SUBURBAN WOMEN,
BECAUSE TODAY, TRUMP SAID THIS: >> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE PROUD
BOYS ARE.
I MEAN, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A DEFINITION, BECAUSE I REALLY
DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I DON'T KNOW ANY PROUD BOYS.
MY BOYS ERIC AND DON JUNIOR ARE ASHAMED BOYS.
AND THEY SHOULD BE.
IF THEY WERE JUST BORN GIRLS, I COULD HAVE HAD TWO MORE
IVANKAS!" NOW, HE CONTINUED BY SAYING THE
PEOPLE WHO HE DOESN'T KNOW SHOULD STOP DOING ANY OF THE
THINGS HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THEM DOING.
>> AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW WHO PROUD BOYS ARE.
BUT WHOEVER THEY ARE, THEY HAVE TO STAND DOWN, LET LAW
ENFORCEMENT DO THEIR WORK.
>> Stephen: NOTICE HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY DENOUNCE THE PROUD
BOYS.
SO HIS WALK-BACK STILL HAD A HINT OF GOOSE STEP.
WHILE TRUMP RAMBLED ABOUT NEW YORK, ONE REPORTER GAVE HIM ONE
MORE CHANCE TO CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY DENOUNCE WHITE
SUPREMACY.
AND HE CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY TOOK A PASS.
>> THEY SHOULD STOP DEFUNDING POLICE LIKE THEY HAVE DONE IN
NEW YORK-- >> BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHITE
SUPREMACISTS, SIR.
>> --LIKE THEY'VE DONE IN NEW YORK.
I JUST TOLD YOU.
>> BUT DO YOU DENOUNCE THEM?
DO YOU DENOUNCE-- >> I'VE ALWAYS DENOUNCED ANY
FORM-- >> --OF WHITE SUPREMACY?
>> ANY FORM-- ANY FORM OF ANY OF THAT, YOU HAVE TO DENOUNCE.
>> Stephen: DIDN'T SAY IT AGAIN!
( AS LADY )
( AS TRUMP )
YOU GOTTA DO IT.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID I LOVE LOVING, IN ANY FORM."
BUT AGAIN, HE TRIED A VARIATION ON THE VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH
SIDES THING.
>> BUT I ALSO-- JOE BIDEN HAS TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ANTIFA.
IT'S NOT A PHILOSOPHY.
THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT HIT PEOPLE OVER THE HEAD.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THESE PEOPLE ARE HEAD BOPPERS,
LITTLE BUNNY ANTI-FOO RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST, PICKIN'
UP THE PROUD BOYS, AND BOPPIN' 'EM ON THE HEAD."
WITH TUNA CANS.
STILL, TRUMP FEELS GOOD ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, BECAUSE,
UH, RATINGS?
>> I THOUGHT THE DEBATE LAST NIGHT WAS GREAT.
WE'VE GOTTEN TREMENDOUS REVIEWS ON IT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT EVENING.
IT WAS AN EXCITING EVENING, I SEE THE RATINGS WERE VERY
HIGH.
>> Stephen: JUST BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCH SOMETHING
DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING IS GOOD.
I HEAR PUBLIC EXECUTIONS WERE QUITE POPULAR IN THEIR DAY.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD HAVE A TV SHOW CALLED "SO YOU THINK
YOU CAN HAVE A HEAD."
AND FOR THE RECORD, HE'S LYING.
THE RATINGS FOR THE DEBATE WERE SHARPLY DOWN.
THAT'S SUCH AN EASILY CHECKABLE LIE AND HE JUST DOESN'T CARE.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN THAT GEORGE ORWELL NOVEL, YOU KNOW
THE ONE WITH THE PIGS THAT STOOD ON THEIR HIND LEGS?
BECAUSE IT'S 2020, THE BELOW-THE-FOLD STORY TODAY IS
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES COMMITTING MASSIVE TAX
FRAUD AND RAIDING THE TREASURY OF THE UNITED STATES TO KEEP HIS
FAILED BUSINESS EMPIRE AFLOAT.
ALL WEEK, "THE NEW YORK TIMES" HAS BEEN REPORTING ON TRUMP'S
TAXES FROM THE LAST 20 YEARS.
ON MONDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT IN THE TWO YEARS BEFORE "THE
APPRENTICE" DEBUTED, "TRUMP'S SIDE INCOME WAS MOSTLY CONFINED
TO $500,000 FOR APPEARING IN THE BIG N' TASTY BURGER AD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE McDONALDS PAID HIM HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.
DON'T THEY KNOW THEY COULD HAVE JUST GIVEN HIM RHW BURGERS?
AND TRUMP MAY HAVE GOTTEN MORE THAN MONEY FROM THE DEAL.
TAKE A LOOK AT THE AD: >> IT'S AMAZING-- A BIG AND
TASTY FOR JUST A DOLLAR?
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
>> I DON'T PAY ANY FEDERAL TAXES.
HUHHUH!
>> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO RECEIVED "$50,000 FROM THE LIFETIME
CHANNEL FOR A 'JUICY NIGHTTIME SOAP' THAT NEVER
MATERIALIZED."
OOOH, A TRUMP SOAP OPERA!
WE COULD'VE HAD: "THE DAYS OF OUR WIVES."
"AS THE WORLD BURNS," AND "ALL OF MY CHILDREN...
THAT I KNOW OF."
AND NOW, A NEW LAYER HAS BEEN ADDED TO THE TURDWICH, BECAUSE
WHILE HIS BUSINESSES WERE ALL FAILING, "TRUMP REPORTEDLY
MADE TENS OF MILLIONS DURING THE GREAT RECESSION BY PARTNERING
WITH MULTILEVEL MARKETING COMPANIES."
NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, MULTILEVEL MARKETING IS A
SKETCHY BUSINESS MODEL WHERE YOU ROPE IN PEOPLE TO SELL A
PRODUCT, THEN THEY ALSO ROPE IN OTHERS TO WORK FOR THEM, AND ALL
THE MONEY FLOWS UP TO THE TOP.
AND IF YOU STILL DON'T GET IT, COME OVER THIS WEEKEND.
I HAVE A FANTASTIC BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY I THINK YOU'D BE
PERFECT FOR.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "HERBALAX DRINKABLE ALGAE COLONIC
SUPPLEMENTS?" IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE.
NOW, IN HIS BIGGEST PYRAMID SCHEME, WORTH $8 MILLION, TRUMP
"TEAMED UP WITH A MULTILEVEL MARKETING COMPANY, ACN, WHOSE
CLIENTS WERE TOLD THEY COULD MAKE A LIVING FROM HOME BY
SELLING VIDEO PHONES."
AND ACN WAS SUCH A SCAM THAT, ON THEIR OWN WEBSITE, THEY POSTED A
PAGE TITLED "THE DIFFERENCE IN ACN AND A PYRAMID SCHEME."
IF YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT, I THINK YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
"I BROUGHT THIS CHART EXPLAINING THAT I DON'T HAVE A COCAINE
"ADDICTION."
IT'S MORE OF A MULTI-LEVEL COCAINE OPPORTUNITY.
AND I THINK YOU'RE THE KIND OF SMART INVESTOR WHO HAS WHAT IT
TAKES TO BLOW THINGS UP MY NOSE."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOHN LITHGOW AND AUTHOR JONATHAN ALTER.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, SENATE REPUBLICANS ARE RUNNING SCARED.
STICK AROUND.