(fanfare plays)
2020 has been a year
where people have depended on technology more than ever.
I mean, I don't know how I would have made it
living through the pandemic in 1918.
What were you supposed to do back then while quarantining?
Read? Ugh! Gross.
Listen to a gramophone?
Music sucked back then.
It was all guys with weird voices
singing about how their sweetie loves apples or whatever.
The biggest tech product this year by a mile was Zoom.
And if it took a pandemic to get rid of Skype,
then I say, worth it.
Skype was great if your goal was to not have a meeting.
And some people complain
that Zoom charges you for longer sessions.
But you know what? I say, thank God.
The only thing getting me through a call with my family
is knowing that's there's a 45-minute escape hatch.
I mean, I'd pay a premium for even shorter sessions.
Is there a five-minute plan, Zoom?
Because if so, shut up and take my money.
But 2020 didn't just bring us Zoom.
It also brought us Zoom terrorism.
NEWSWOMAN: Zoom. So many of us are using it to stay in touch.
But now, some are having major issues,
as Zoom meetings are getting hijacked
in a new trend called "Zoom bombing."
NEWSMAN: Zoom bombings range from pranks to pornography.
It even happened during a streaming news conference
in which pornography popped up on the screen
as health authorities
and elected officials discussed the pandemic.
At first, it just seemed like people were checking in,
and then, very quickly, it devolved
into a lot of pornographic images
being dumped as screen... screen shots.
Yeah. Of course Zoom meetings got hit with dick pics.
Each new form of technology
is just another way to send dick pics.
I mean, if you look close enough, you can see the dick
Neil Armstrong drew on the moon.
-? ? -One small dick for man.
One giant dick we all have to see at night.
Inspiring.
2020 also left us with more free time
than ever to improve ourselves,
like learning a new language or baking your own bred.
But thankfully, video games were there
to save us from all that crap.
Nintendo saw a big boost in sales
as more people need to be entertained at home
because of the pandemic.
Animal Crossing: New Horizons--
26 million copies have been sold of this wildly popular game.
Yes, 2020 gave us the video game Animal Crossing,
which let us create our own perfect little world
while the real world was going to shit.
Although, we all ended up making the same mistakes
in Animal Crossing that we did in real life.
You start the game free and happy on an unspoiled island.
But then, three raccoons convince you
to become a land developer.
One things leads to another,
and let's just say my residents were not happy
when I let BP start fracking on my island.
But, hey, sorry, guys.
Daddy's got to get those turnips somehow.
(inhales sharply) Whew.
So while technology did a lot of great things for 2020,
just like everything else this year, it got politicized.
We've got breaking news this morning.
The Trump administration announcing
it will block downloads of Chinese-owned apps
TikTok and WeChat starting Sunday.
Yeah, President Trump tried to ban TikTok.
And you know what? I'm with Trump on this one.
It's a horrible app.
TikTok is more responsible
for convincing white people they can dance
than the DJ throwing on "Cotton Eye Joe."
White people used to be ashamed to dance,
and now they all think they're Jabbawockeez.
But if Trump was smart, he wouldn't ban TikTok.
He'd just get on TikTok.
It's a perfect showcase for how he dances.
? Y, M, C, A... ?
Ugh! This makes me want to follow his advice
of injecting bleach, but into my eyes.
But tech companies got the last laugh in 2020,
because while Trump was trying to ban TikTok,
Twitter and Facebook were trying to ban Trump's bullshit.
Facebook has taken action against what it calls
harmful misinformation from President Trump.
The company deleted a post by the president
that included a false statement about children and the virus.
And Twitter hit President Donald Trump
with a warning label on one of his tweets about vote-by-mail,
saying the post violated the company's rules
around elections.
I'm glad they finally get around
to fact-chucking Trump's new lies.
But don't expect credit for standing up
to the president after five years of this shit.
That's like claiming you beat up The Rock when he's 90 years old.
That's not winning a fight. It's elder abuse.
Okay? I'm just saying, social media companies
should've been fact-checking Trump earlier.
He's spread so much damaging false information
over the years.
From saying Obama's a secret Muslim born in Kenya
to claiming Meryl Streep is overrated.
She is the greatest living actress.
And I know all about good acting, okay?
After my critically acclaimed performance
in Crazy Rich Asians.
Shut up, Twitter.
But many people would say the greatest tech news this year
is that we have several vaccines in development
that actually seem to work.
And, of course, we all know
the people who need to get a vaccine first are the elderly.
Like my grandma,
Ronnyella Chieng.
No, that is not me in a wig, okay?
I just take after her.
Now, give her the vaccine-- preferably in her right arm,
because I’m left-handed.
But just in case the vaccines don't work out,
there's still the option of hitting the eject button
on this whole planet.
NEWSWOMAN: A giant leap for Elon Musk's SpaceX.
The company has launched four astronauts into orbit.
Elon Musk says he is highly confident
he is gonna put people on Mars by 2026.
The key to achieving this goal is SpaceX's development
of its Starship rocket.
The vehicle's being built to launch cargo
and as many as a hundred people at a time to the Moon and Mars.
Yes. Private citizens without astronaut training
will be able to travel to space.
Which means I can finally add the balls
to Armstrong's Moon dick.
Everyone always forgets the balls.
So 2020 was a bullshit year,
but at least technology made it a little bearable.
And, hey, we made it through.
It's almost 2021.
Things can only get better from here.
(sighs) Goddamn it.