♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(school bell rings)
- [Narrator] Zack Morris has to turn in a science project
to avoid summer school,
so he's making Screech do all of it.
He castigates him for seeking fresh air
when he should be slaving at home.
- Aren't you going to do any work at all, Zack?
- Well, no.
- [Narrator] Zack promises his work would only ruin it,
the Zack Morris guarantee.
Screech, deep into Stockholm Syndrome,
thanks his lazy captor.
Screech professes his love for Lisa.
Kelly says, go for it.
Instead of encouraging him to follow his heart,
Zack says he needs to put that passion
into their project.
Screech, not yet fully broken by Zack,
goes to Lisa's arms.
Unfortunately, her arms are taken.
Zack says he understands why Screech has lady trouble,
sending him home head hung.
Zack does not cheer him up,
and instead orders him back to work.
Then impatiently fiddles and blows the fucking thing up.
Zack says what Screech needs is one of his
nonsensical, sexist pick-up lines.
- How much did the other contestants pay you
to drop out of the Miss Universe contest?
- [Narrator] Screech questions him and gets assaulted.
Screech attempts Zack's pushy gimmicks,
but Zack's horny gibberish shockingly fails,
and pushes him to hide from the world once more.
Screech wants someone to accept him for who he is.
Impossible, as Zack keeps telling him to be someone else.
Zack knows the perfect girl for Screech.
Go work on that project, he'll grab her.
Zack plays on Jessie's sympathies,
saying he has a single friend being discriminated against
she'd be perfect for.
When he says it's Screech,
Jessie isn't interested because she's known him for years,
and he isn't her type, you fucking idiot.
Screech wants to meet this mystery lady.
Zack gets a great idea.
She'll call Screech
at that payphone, later.
Now go work on that project!
Screech is nervous.
Slater tells him to just be himself,
a refreshingly human reprieve
from Zack's horrendous guidance.
Screech answers the call.
She likes him.
Her name? - Bambi.
- [Narrator] Zack is impersonating a woman
with a stripper name,
in a room where men shit loudly
to carelessly lead Screech on.
How romantic.
Zack is sleepy after staying up late
as Bambi on the phone with Screech,
keeping both of them from working.
Screech, who has never received female attention before,
is in love,
but understandably wants to meet this person.
Zack, who thought none of this through,
says it can't happen
because Bambi's having.
- An identity crisis.
- [Narrator] A lie equal parts vague and distressing.
Zack says Screech will be over Bambi in no time.
Think again, you blond bozo.
Screech chained himself to a locker
and refuses to eat until he meets Bambi.
Zack doesn't care,
or do any science projects.
Zack suddenly cares.
Now Screech is missing class to get lessons on loss
he does not need as he's pining over nobody.
Belding demands Zack introduces Screech to Bambi,
which surely can not be a difficult as Zack purports.
Zack only agrees to avoid detention.
Zack pulls Jessie and Lisa from their studies
to facilitate his Bambi transformation.
He uses this moment to drop some transphobic slurs.
- This is repulsive, disgusting, revolting.
- [Narrator] Then vainly requests
something a little more flattering.
Flattering not accomplished.
Zack, I mean Bambi, lurches in.
Screech, a gentleman, lies and says she's beautiful.
Bambi gets immediately violent and rude.
- Would you like to meet some of my friends?
- No.
- [Narrator] Zack opportunistically hits Slater,
knowing he won't fight back.
Slater knows what's going on,
but won't crush Screech
the way Zack is heedlessly doing in slow motion.
Screech introduces Kelly to Bambi.
Bambi coincidentally knows as little about talking to women
as Zack.
Screech wants to kiss Bambi and share their love with world.
Bambi says if they kiss they're official.
Screech, not scared of commitment like Zack's pathetic ass,
is ready.
Bambi breaks out a list of controlling rules
to scare Screech.
First, look more like Zack.
- Straighten your hair and dye it blond.
- [Narrator] No problem,
he'd be the second dumbest guy at school with that look.
Bambi is allergic to animals,
knowing Screech has many he loves.
But Screech offers to shave all of them to prioritize her.
Bambi's final rule.
- I'm very possessive.
I must have you all to myself.
And get rid of your friend Zack Morris.
- [Narrator] Screech says Zack is rude,
and takes advantage, and sucks dirty ass in thunderstorms,
but Screech is loyal and would never sacrifice a friend
the way Zack does 10 times before breakfast.
Bambi sobs, making Screech feel guilty.
Screech handles it as best he can
and tries to point out the positive lessons
of this experience, when in fact,
he's just been primed a lifetime of abusive relationships.
Bambi reminds him to finish that science project.
Then Zack attempts to use his disguise
to hear Kelly urinate.
- I'm going to the girls' room, you wanna come?
- Oh, why not?
Sounds like fun. - Please.
- [Narrator] Let's review.
Zack Morris put his science project on Screech's shoulders,
ignoring his need for daylight and human contact.
Instead of boosting his confidence,
put him down and gave him sleazy pick-up lines
that lowered his self esteem,
and ruined the work Screech had done just for funsies.
Then tried to manipulate an uninterested friend
into a pity date.
Then just made up a woman who was wild about Screech,
but refused to ever meet him.
When that drove Screech crazy,
Zack would've let him starve to death
if it wasn't for the science project.
Then Zack dressed up as the woman he invented
to abuse an emotionally battered Screech in public
until he was forced to end things,
conditioning him to believe
this is what love should be like
if he's ever so lucky to find it again.
And did all of this while doing none of their project.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪