Just for you, I am more zoomed out today.
So the biggest insecurity that I have,
is...not the
lack of distance I have between my jaw and my neck,
although that most certainly, does bug me quite a lot.
It's not my nose, which i think is just
slightly, too wide for my face.
But I can live with it. It's not my singing voice.
And I am pretty insecure about that.
Trying everything I can to,
improve my singing and, strengthen my voice.
The biggest insecurity is...
[exhales]
Not being taken seriously,
as a musician. And already,
from me saying that, there are some people,
their inner dialogue is going,
'Ugh god here she goes, pushing this 'musician agenda' again'.
I'm gonna have that for as long as I make videos,
and chose to make a living from talking to people.
And even though I can sit here and say it's something I've come to accept,
which is the truth...
I think...
There's no point denying that it's always gonna bug me
a lil' bit. That there are always gonna be people who see me as...
uh...a Youtuber first, and a musician second. But.
I can also completely accept that--
that is completely 100% my own doing.
Dug my own grave, made my own bed.
When you see someone, making a career out of something
for 5 years,
and then suddenly they tell you to your face
that you are wrong and that that person
is not in fact what you thought they were...
People aren't gonna immediately take to it.
Of course, the most supportive people, you guys, are,
and I always appreciate that. But
when I have said in the past, like ya know
"I've made music since I was 16 years old, I've been in bands,
I've been a musician way longer than I've been a YouTuber."
I'd say it exactly like that. And people would go,
"Yeah but...
you're known as a YouTuber." And that's-- it's understandable. But,
every now and then,
there will be a comment online,
comments, whatever, that goes along the lines of something like,
"Why doesn't she just give up already? Her music is so average, it's so boring."
"Every single YouTuber thinks they're a musician."
"Emma you're good at YouTube, why don't you just admit it, and stick to that?"
"Why do you have to try and be this *singer*?"
I've got pretty good at just sort of ignoring it now,
ya'know, the old 'mute button' is still my best friend.
Not that I wanna live in an echo chamber
but there are only really so many times you can hear it before it becomes white noise anyway.
But I think those comments are always gonna...
bug me the most...
Um...
And I have to ride it out.
I have to keep working as hard as I can,
on... building myself as the musician, that I aim to be.
You know. Until I put out the image, that
I've always wanted to put out.
Without discrediting where I've come from.
And without losing touch with all of you.
Because I got to where I am, by communicating with you and connecting with you.
Let me tell you that taking a break from social media last year,
and also coming into this new year using Twitter differently,
and using Instagram a bit differently
I, as I said to you very recently,
I'm the happiest that I have ever been.
I know that you don't really have to go on and on about that,
if you truly mean it, but I--
I really do.
I just feel so much more calm, I don't feel as anxious anymore
about how people perceive me. I'm not so scared of
'putting my foot in it'. I'm not so scared of everybody
imedi- like immediately looking at me
uh, to give their opinion on stuff.
And I just have more free time to focus on
what I really really love. But, I do worry,
that there are people who think, 'Ya-know, well you just
lost touch with us, you don't care about us anymore, you're trying
too hard to be a 'musician' and you forgotten where you come from'.
I mean, I'm still here. I'm still making stuff, ya-know.
I'm just doing it in a different way, you can't
always do...what everybody expects you to.
You can't always do what everybody demands from you.
Sometimes you have to say, 'I can't, I can't do it any more'.
Ya have to put everything out there, just lay it all on the line,
to do what you want, and if it flops, it flops, but you tried.
Ya-know, and that's,
that's where I am, in my life, giving everything,
to this dream I have.
Pretty much every penny I've ever earned and saved
from YouTube is going towards this, and if it goes wrong
then that's,
literally...devastating to my life.
But,
if I don't try, if I don't take myself seriously,
how can I expect other people to take me seriously, because,
in the past I've made music,
and I've done music videos, uh, alongside
my YouTube channel, and still got annoyed when
people would call me a 'YouTube musician'.
Of course that's what they're gonna' call me. Ya-know, I think for
as long as this channel, and my main channel exist,
newspapers are always gonna' use the tagline, 'Vlogger,
Emma Blackery, 26'. Ya-know, vlogger
or 'YouTube musician'
or just 'YouTube sensation' because I guess
really that's become a bit of a snarky term. If a newspaper,
uh, particularly like a controversial one, uses the term 'vlogger'
it's absolutely meant in a derogatory way.
Even if it is what they do for a living, it just has that negative connotation.
Ya-know, and I think even years down the line,
lets say I want album 2 or 3,
lets say everything goes well, there are still gonna' be people
saying, uh
'Vlogger turned musician'. I've, I've heard that
so many times. Ya-know, vlogger turned, like ya-know I just went,
'OH! I'm gonna' make music now!'
Which, understandably, this is another point, I know I'm kinda all over the place
with this, but I'm just going over the top of my head. A lot...
of youtubers, make music.
It's not my place to say who
truly enjoys it, and who sees it as a cash grab.
It's not up to me to decide whether
um, people who haven't always dreamed of
being a musician, should be musicians, It's not down to me
to say that stuff. I don't know half
of the youtubers that have put out music videos, so I can't
say whether they're doing it because they could,
or because they've always dreamed of it. But it does feel a little bit like,
like it's a right of passage, if you're a YouTube personality,
you have to also make these, ya-know, two bit
kind of
standard...music videos and stuff,
and, maybe I fell into that.
Maybe, my older music just didn't stand out, and
it just was typical, YouTuber...
music.
I, it's not for me to say. It's subjective, right?
um, but I, I mean recently,
over the last like two days, I've seen like four new
music videos, from, YouTube personalities, but is it down to
me to call them a YouTube personanlity, or are they also
a musician, or a musician primarily.
It all depends on what that person wants to portray. Ya-know,
and whether that matches up with what
you perceive from them. And that's what I'm trying
my hardest to change.
I'm not ashamed of YouTube, I'm not ashamed that I've
done YouTube for 6 years, that doesn't, ya-know
I'm not gonna' turn bright red, and leave the room
if a journalist said, 'So, you came from YouTube'.
I don't have a problem with it,
but,
there comes a time
where, i-it.
I-I fear people not taking me seriously, and a lot of it is my own
fault because I made comedy videos for 5 years.
5, 6, well yeah 5 years.
I made comedy skits, and people are asking me now, like,
'Are you gonna' do a Valentines for singles video?' and the answer is no,
no I'm not. I don't think.
It doesn't interest me any more, and it, it would be so
disingenuine, for me to
try and continue, forcing comedy, if,
I-I said this to you in a video recently actually, if a comedy video
feels right to me, if there is something that i wanna make,
then you'll see it. Um. There isn't gonna be
anything, uh, on my channels
that I don't wanna make anymore, so if you do see
a comedy video or a commentary video coming up it's because I
genuinely give a s***.
But the thing that I give the most s***s about
right now, is my music. And,
I wanna say that's always been the case but,
I definitely didn't work as hard on my music
as I could've done, back in 2013,
2014, I'd release an EP,
that would do well simply because I told my
impressionable teenage audience to buy it...
regardless whether the songs were good or not, and,
you guys did. Ya-know, and I'm sure the music
to many of you was wonderful, and that means a lot to me, but,
ya-know,
I, sold records,
because of who I was on YouTube. Not gonna deny it.
There's no point denying it.
But I put myself in a box,
and then got angry when people called me a 'YouTube musician'.
I-I still get,
really,
not anxious, I don't get anxious about it, but I get really tense,
when that's used to describe me.
But instead of getting angry about it now, I just think 'Okay,
I still have work to do.
I still have to change peoples perceptions of me.
I still have to give this my all, and show that I
truly give a c***.' ya-know, and I hope that
this album that comes out,
which is, taking forever,
slow process, so much slower than I thought.
I hope that when it does eventually come out,
that people can see that I give a s**.
I hope that it's evident in the music that I really gave it
f***ing everything, and like I said, if it flops,
it flops, I'm being pessimistic of course, but if-
if I don't hit the 'big time' do I even want
the 'big time'? I dunno.
Whether it, ya-know, hits it or not,
I just want people to see it as,
'She clearly cares about her music and that it's not just like a
quick cash grab, it's not just like ya-know,
a side career, it's not a plan B, ya-know.'
There was never any plan to begin with, YouTube wasn't a plan A,
or a plan B, it was just a hobby, get it?
Hob, eh, ey. Um...
But I want music to be my plan A.
Ya-know?
Not a plan B. So, anyway.
Wrappin' it up.
That's my biggest insecurity, if you wanna
know how to get to me, there ya go, just
for you, put it in a lil' package for you.
Just call me a YouTuber, and not a musician.
Just say, 'You're a vlogger, not a musician,
stop trying.' Just say that, and I'm sure you'll probably
upset me quite a bit, getting better at it, but, yeah.
Still gonna bug me for a while, but I just gotta work harder.
So, thanks for watching, and,
I hope you all have a fantastic day,
and I'll be back...
soon.
I say that like I'm going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere.
I'll see you when I have content to give you!?