-Ooh, baby -- This is what this is. Oh, God.
Ooh, baby -- Ooh, baby, do you know what next week is?
Hint -- it's my favorite.
That's right -- it's Halloween.
[ Laughter ]
Here with his Halloween dating tips
is Guy Who Just Bought a Boat.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Trick or treat, smell my meat ♪
♪ Give me somewhere good to skeet ♪
Ha ha!
Thanks for having me, Col-dron Ghost.
It is really "grave" to be here.
Who are you -- The Crypt Keeper? -Hi.
Ha-ha! Any hayride.
Here's how to treat your trick to a scary good
All Hallows beave. -Ohh.
-It's all about the spooky getaway to set the mood.
Take it from "Weekend Update" and take a weekend Upstate.
Do some leaf peeps,
and the panties will be just like the foliage -- dropping.
Ha-ha!
Or take her wine tasting,
and you'll find out why they call them the Finger Lakes.
[ Laughter ] -Ohh. Ohh.
-Buckle up. -So early.
-Either way, play your cards tight,
and you'll be like cinnamon -- inside her.
I have a small penis. [ Laughter ]
Now, let's talk spooktacular mack-tivities
that will lead to Love Potion 69.
If you don't want to jack your own lantern,
here's how to make sure
you don't end up like the horseman --
headless.
Fellas, to increase your fellash ratche,
put in the eff and track down a quality ha-ho.
That's "haunted house" in laying-man terms.
Or take her to,
as the native amaze maize would say,
an amaze maize maze.
[ Laughter ] -Can I leave?
-Not yet, pal.
You'll spend a few hours bobbing for apples,
just flailing around, teeth first,
not getting anywhere.
And eventually, she'll tap you on the head,
and she'll say, "Never mind.
I'll just do it myself when you leave."
[ Laughter ]
-Are you still talking about a corn maze?
-And if you're heading to the pumpkin patch,
no need to wait all night --
this Great Pumpkin comes immediately.
-Ohh. Alright. Alright. Can you just wrap it up?
-I mean, I can, but I don't. -Ohh.
[ Laughter ]
Ahh. -What? They slide right off.
It's slender, man.
[ Laughter ]
Cool. Now, let's talk 'stumes, comea-co, coma-ca.
I myself am a masquerade connoisseur.
-Really? That -- That is surprising.
-Hey. Who's got three thumbs and loves costumes?
This guy's. [Disguise]
-Three? Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ]
-Col, all that barely there
derrière-bearing scary wear is skimpily amazing.
And, ladies, thank you -- muchas gracias
for the generous erect deposit into my Banko-de-Spanko.
Those memories will blast a lifetime
and make my ghost bust.
-[ Chuckles ] Your ghost?
-Ah, it's basically invisible.
What can I say?
♪ Busting makes me feel good ♪
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
And it makes her say, "Wait.
Already? Your belt is still buckled."
-Alright. [ Chuckles ] I think --
I think that's enough. -Wait, wait, wait.
I have one more just-the-tip for the boys.
-Ohh. [ Laughter ]
-Remember, getting the right candy can lead to a tight handy.
If you want to get betwixt the Milky Ways of a SweeTart,
avoid the Smarties and Nerds
and find yourself some Airheads, Colly Rancher.
I like an Almond Joy, nuts on top.
[ Laughter ]
-Were you --
Were you in, like, a horrific accident?
-And soon you'll be asking her the quintessential quesh --
butt or finger?
[ Laughter ]
-Those are the options?
-Buuut, fellas, before the party,
take her down to the marina, and she'll be saying,
"Witchcraft?" -Oh, right, because you --
-I have a boat, Colin. -Guy Who Bought a Boat.
-It's got dry rot. -Alright. "Weekend Update."
I'm Colin Jost. -I'm Michael Che. Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]