>> Stephen: FOLKS, SPEAKING OF THE STATE OF THE UNION, A LOT OF
PEOPLE HAVE NOTICED THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME ANYONE CAN REMEMBER,
THE FIRST LADY ARRIVED AT THE STATE OF THE UNION WITHOUT HER
HUSBAND.
SO THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS STRONG.
THE STATE OF THEIR UNION?
IT'S COMPLICATED.
( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE ARE EVEN SPECULATING THAT
MELANIA MAY HAVE BEEN SENDING A FEMINIST MESSAGE WITH HER
ALL-WHITE PANTSUIT, A COLOR FAVORED BY THOSE HONORING
SUFFRAGETTES AND HILLARY CLINTON.
OH, SNAP!
( APPLAUSE ) DRESSING--
( APPLAUSE ) DRESSING LIKE HILLARY?
THE ONLY THING WORSE WOULD BE TO SHOW UP DRESSED AS OBAMA'S BIRTH
CERTIFICATE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE RUMOR MILL-- THE RUMOR
MILL CHARNING ABOUT MELANIA'S ANGER COMES ON THE
HEELS OF REVELATIONS OF STORMY DANIELS AND THE HUSH MONEY.
APPARENTLY, "THE REPORTS OF A PAYOFF BLINDSIDED THE FIRST
LADY."
NOT THE SEX, THE PAY OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) HE NEVER PAYS ANYONE.
BUT, REALLY?
HOW COULD SHE BE BLINDSIDED?
I MEAN, JUST LISTEN TO TRUMP'S WEDDING VOWS.
>> YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A SNAKE BEFORE YOU TOOK ME IN!
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: HE'S HONEST.
THE MAN IS HONEST!
AS THE DAY IS LONG.
RIGHT AFTER THE STORMY HIT, MELANIA ABRUPTLY DECIDED NOT TO
ACCOMPANY THE PRESIDENT TO DAVOS, SWITZERLAND.
THE OFFICIAL REASON GIVEN WAS "SCHEDULING AND LOGISTICAL
ISSUES."
OF COURSE-- SCHEDULING ISSUES.
SHE COULDN'T GO WITH HIM BECAUSE HELL HADN'T FROZEN OVER YET.
INSTEAD, SHE FLEW TO MAR-A-LAGO, AND RELAXED AT THE SPA.
YEAH, SHE GOT A JAPANESE MASSAGE.
I THINK IT'S CALLED, "SHE HATES YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) SO--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EYE OPENER.
SO, IS MELANIA TRUMP AT THE END OF HER ROPE?
LET'S GO STRAIGHT TO THE SOURCE.
SATELLITE, FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR COMING ON THE SHOW.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING, MADAM FIRST LADY?
>> MY LIFE IS OCEAN OF LONELINESS.
>> Stephen: WAIT, I'M SORRY, WHAT?
>> I WAS JUST PROMOTING MY NEW FRAGRANCE, "OCEAN OF
LONELINESS."
IT'S A DECADENT BOUQUET OF GARDENIA BLOSSOMS WITH A HINT OF
"I LIVE IN A PRISON OF MY OWN MAKING."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: BE CAREFUL, MA'AM.
NOW, MADAM-- MADAM FIRST LADY, LAST NIGHT'S
OUTFIT, WAS THAT IN SUPPORT OF WOMEN'S RIGHTS AND SUFFRAGE?
>> YES.
EVERY DAY I'M SUFFRAGE-ING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I SHOULD SAY,
SUFFRAGE MEANS VOTING.
>> I KNOW.
I CANNOT WAIT TO VOTE IN NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
>> Stephen: FOR YOUR HUSBAND?
>> OH, OF COURSE!
UNLESS I HAVE SCHEDULING AND LOGISTICAL ISSUES.
HEY, OOOH.
WHO!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU WERE GREAT ON
"LAUGH-IN" BY THE WAY.
HOW DID YOU LIKE YOUR HUSBAND'S SPEECH LAST NIGHT?
>> I WAS GLUED TO MY SEAT.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU ENJOYED IT?
>> NO, ME, STEPHEN I WAS LITERALLY GLUED TO MY SEAT.
THAT GENERAL KELLY IS QUITE THE PRANKSTER, RIGHT?
I LAUGH BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: SO THERE'S NO REALITY TO THESE RUMORS ABOUT
YOUR HUSBAND'S INFIDELITY?
>> IS FAKE NEWS, STEPHEN.
I DO NOT BELIEVE MY HUSBAND SLEPT WITH THIS WOMAN, SPANKY
BANJOS.
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU MEAN STORMY DANIELS.
>> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF DISGUSTING PIG MONSTER WOULD CHEAT ON HIS
WIFE WITH PORN STAR RIGHT AFTER SHE GIVE BIRTH AND THEN PAY HUSH
MONEY TO THIS CRANKY PONCHOS?
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT DOES SOUND TERRIBLE.
>> WELL, IF IT WERE TRUE.
BUT EVERYONE HERE THINKS IT'S A LIE, AND I AGREE.
#METOO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MA'AM, FOR SOMEONE
WHO DOESN'T THINK ANY OF THIS IS TRUE, YOU SEEM UPSET.
>> WHO'S UPSET?
I'M NOT UPSET.
IN FACT, IF MY HUSBAND'S WATCHING, I HAVE A MESSAGE:
DONALD, TIME'S UP.
>> Stephen: WAIT, WHAT?
WHAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT?
( BELL RINGING ) >> TIME'S UP ON YOUR
CHEESEBURGER.
IT'S READY!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, SWEETHEART!
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NICE!
DID HE GET YOU A GIFT?
>> YES!
HE GOT ME A LOVELY HAT.
WELL, HE PAID FOR IT.
I PICKED IT OUT.
>> Stephen: MELANIA TRUMP, EVERYONE!