[Music]
marvel has taken you out to the edge of
the universe down to the scale of an
atom and across the boundaries of time
now prepare to visit a new setting
beyond the farthest reaches of a nerd's
imagination
outside
i'm scared can we go back to a green
screen please
ah that's better
eternals
witness the mcu's grandest experiment
yet about mythic creatures who steer the
course of human history from the
director of that quasi documentary about
a van lady who poops in a bucket
as chloe xiao brings jack kirby's most
psychedelic r to the screen and soothing
grayson beiges in this long meditation
on whether our hero should let humanity
die or spit in the face of an uncaring
god are we sure this isn't a dc movie
that's superman uh that's superman
remember when comic book films were
about characters you've heard of neither
do i
now after a tl dr opening crawl meet the
eternals 10 heroes as hot as they are
sad thrill at the revelation that
they're actually robots designed by an
alien god to fight creatures who look
like your unsorted cable drawer who
themselves were designed to eat the
dinosaurs until things got out of hand
you know what just forget it it's dumb
just meet the eternals hi
there's theena a warrior who freaks out
when she remembers she's angelina jolie
and shouldn't be sharing screen time
with these nobodies yogamesh who's never
met a problem he couldn't fist
fastos who does all his science by way
of naruto hand signs druid he sucks
druix sucks ajax keeper of the sacred
iphone gold orb edition that lets her
call daddy aj makari who should have
been called fastos because holy crap how
are we supposed to keep all these
characters straight sprite a pixie with
the power of being small and having a
knife
i'm sorry cersei king go a bollywood
star who makes you wonder if all the
time cameo spent getting jacked should
have gone to dance lessons instead
icarus who's like superman if he had to
be convinced that human life had any
value so like you know zack snyder
superman
and cersei whose warm dignified
performance is impossible to focus on
because someone thought it wouldn't be
distracting to paris cersei with two of
the leads from game of thrones you are
very beautiful cersei i love you cersei
no you love daenerys or maybe marjorie
tyrell i'm still hashing out my erotic
fanfic i don't want it
i never have oh yes you do no kiss
strap in for a movie that's all about
tracking down characters you just met a
few minutes ago we need to find the
others we need to go find the others we
have to bring everyone back together and
since no one thought to set up a group
text take a whirlwind tour of all their
solo projects whether they're just
chilling on a marvel issued retirement
form wanda visioning before it was cool
druid sucks
he does nuking japan i did this or they
just got left back on the spaceship like
a baby in a hot car but once these
neutral avengers have reassembled
they'll discover their secret mission to
literally the world as they learn their
true purpose was to fertilize earth with
enough man better to hatch a celestial
sorry for phrasing it that way i'm just
unsatisfied after marvel's first sex
scene i.e three dimly lit pumps in the
missionary position can you believe
that's all we get look what kingo did
for this film and you don't even pop his
shirt off you gotta reward that effort
eternals two the search for king goes
dingo let's make it happen
so if your idea of fun is watching 10
people debate the trolley problem for
two and a half hours where the closest
thing to a relatable character is an
immortal movie star's human pet he's
worked with me for 50 years fly don't
walk to your nearest couch for the film
that puts the universe in mcu then
despite the reviews is far from the
worst in the franchise are you well eric
i can't get too excited not even a
little excited tony how do you go to the
bathroom
just like that they just tried to do
something a little different this time
but don't worry marvel will never make
that mistake again phew
starring
cersei roman
stark kent this wasn't in the script
angelina jolie generally doesn't know
how a toaster works salma dayak the
fling in the north the big dick silicon
valley
sprite ginger zero sugar
shaper boy
dev schlepper
druid sucks bury me with my golden arm
clifford the big red god
gotta catch em all ropeymon
all right you're in this movie too
patent pending
and harry styles
eternal run time of the plotless grind
why is sprite going to school she's
thousands of years old not trying to
meet kids her own age what's she gonna
learn in seventh grade okay maybe
spanish somos amigos
universidad
sorry about your hot dogs
my name is oliver queen and you have
failed this comment section i'm old and
i don't like this
mirabelle didn't get a gift she is the
gift
charcuterie is just lunchables trying to
be fancy