Transcriber: Hoài Thu Nguyễn Reviewer: Eunice Tan
“Pretty is as pretty does.”
Have you heard of this saying before?
My mother taught it to me when I was younger
and probably doing something I should not have been doing.
If you haven’t heard of this saying before,
“Pretty is as pretty does”
is an Americanization of the old English proverb
“Handsome is as handsome does,”
which comes from Geoffrey Chaucer’s 1386 story “The Wife of Bath’s Tale.”
Nowadays you’ll often hear “Pretty is as pretty does” said in the South
to denote that one’s physical beauty
is not an indicator of their character or their kindness.
This is a message that speaks to the importance of inner beauty,
and this is a message that is important more than ever.
But we'll get to that later.
First, let me ask you all a question:
How many of you have been bullied in your lifetime,
whether that was verbal, social, physical?
Raise your hand.
I know I have, yeah.
That’s all of us in this room, and I can’t say that I’m surprised.
One out of every five students reports being bullied.
And if one out of every five students reports being bullied,
imagine the amount of bullying that goes unreported -
probably a lot.
Growing up, I was bullied for -
you name it - my height, my name, for being a military child.
But something that really got to me was being bullied for my hair.
At 22, I proudly rock my Afro and my braids and everything in between.
But preteen Aria, well -
I used to rock these two kinky Afro puffs at the top of my head,
and I thought they were pretty cute
up until the day
that one of my peers told me my hair looked like a prickly bush.
And after that I became really self-conscious about my hair,
and I decided that the best course of action would be to straighten it,
for two reasons.
One, the most popular girls in school had straightened hair.
And two, I would turn on the TV or flip through magazines,
and I saw all of these beautiful women with long, straight hair,
even the Black women I looked up to, like Tyra Banks and Beyoncé.
So that’s what I thought I had to do:
I thought I had to straighten my hair to fit the standard of beauty.
And so I did.
Yet it didn’t change a thing.
I went back to school a few days later,
and although my hair was straightened out, it was still short,
and I was told that I looked like a boy.
So not only was my hair fried, but so was my self-esteem.
And at 11 years old, I had enough.
I wanted to take my life.
And of course my parents told me I was beautiful.
They told me they loved me.
But when I left the safety of my home,
they were not there to protect me from the cruelty of my peers.
They were not there to protect me from the perils of adolescence.
They were not there to shield me
from the voices coming from so many directions
saying that “You. Aren’t. Enough.”
There wasn’t enough “You are enough” growing up.
I am fortunate to be able to stand here in front of you today
due to the intervention from my parents and from counselors
and through strengthening my relationship with God.
With their help, I was able to begin the process of healing.
But there are far too many young people out there who have not made it
due to a complete depletion of their self-esteem,
due to complete - due to continuous bullying.
The CDC reports that suicide is a leading cause of death for children ages 10 to 14.
While researchers are still trying to determine
the correlation between bullying and suicide rates,
it is clear that bullying has a detrimental impact
on our mental health.
If you were born before 2000,
most of the bullying you experienced
most likely did not happen on the internet.
But once the mid to late 2000s hit,
there was a whole new opportunity for bullying that was introduced.
Take the bullying that I experienced, take the bullying that you experienced,
and add on to that cyberbullying.
The bullying follows you home now, and that is insane.
A 2019 study conducted on cyberbullying victimization
revealed that 37 percent of students in the US ages 12 to 17
have experienced cyberbullying.
Young people are no longer protected in the confines of their home.
And where I looked to television and magazines
to see what would help me fit in,
now we add on the layer of social media influencing how we perceive ourselves,
with filters and beauty influencers and social media challenges
encouraging us to change the way that we look,
such as the 2015 #DontJudgeMeChallenge.
As someone who struggled with suicidal ideation growing up,
I became increasingly concerned
about the impact that cyberbullying and unrealistic beauty standards
were having on our mental health.
Dr. Jean Twenge, author of the book “iGen,”
notes that there was a substantial increase
in major depression or suicidal thoughts and psychological -
psychological distress
and more attempted suicides after 2010 in comparison to the mid 2000s,
and that the largest increase was seen in adolescents and young adults.
Coincidentally, the greatest spike in these symptoms occurred in 2011,
right after social media really took off.
So at 15 years old, I’m sitting talking to my mom, as one does,
and I’m thinking that this is a lot.
This is a lot for my generation.
This is a lot for future generations.
And I became so frustrated because I wanted things to change.
I didn’t want any more widespread feelings of inadequacy.
I didn't want any more lives lost.
But what agency did I have as a teenager to change any of this?
This is when my mother reminded me
of the message of “Pretty is as pretty does.”
And I became determined to make a difference.
As a result, in 2015,
I founded the platform “Pretty Is As Pretty Does #PIAPD”
on social media
in response to all the negative social interaction I saw on and offline.
#PIAPD is designed to counteract ill-conceived notions of beauty
on and offline amongst the youth.
And over time it has evolved into a broader commentary on beauty standards
and toward facilitating how to live our lives in a truly beautiful way.
In this sense, “pretty” is seen as an action word
rather than just strictly a physical characteristic.
People can use #PIAPD as a way to highlight mental health awareness
through self-love and self-care,
and also to promote acts of kindness.
With the belief that our value comes from within,
a golden heart symbolizes this movement.
On social media, people can also use #PIAPD
to highlight something that represents the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does,”
whether this is a person or an infographic or a quote.
It is a place that you can go online to be surrounded by positivity.
As a writer and a musician,
I know the power that the arts can have
on boosting self-confidence and releasing positive endorphins.
So one of the first things I did with this platform
was hold an online talent contest.
Contestants incorporated the concept of “Pretty is as pretty does”
in artistic form,
whether that was through song or dance, through poetry.
And the first, second and third place winners all received #PIAPD merch
so they could go out and promote the message even further
in their communities.
I also was fortunate enough to go on Good Day DC with my little sister
to promote the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does,”
which was an incredible experience.
In February 2016, my mother mentioned a local preliminary competition
to compete at Miss Virginia’s Outstanding Teen.
I did a few pageants prior to this with my little sister
as a bonding experience
and so we could promote the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does”
in the pageant world.
But I had never done one on this level.
So I was a little nervous, but more so excited
because this was an opportunity
for me to spread the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does”
with a broader audience.
Now, you might be thinking:
“Pageants?
Isn’t that the exact opposite of what you’re trying to promote?”
I’ve had a lot of people share their opinions with me about pageantry,
including but not limited to
“Women who compete in pageants are superficial,”
“Women who compete in pageants are not smart,”
amongst other things that were also said.
And all of these assumptions made me want to compete even more
because I thought to myself:
“If people are thinking these things,
what better world to enter into
to promote the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does” -
something that speaks to the importance of inner beauty?”
I ended up winning the title
of Miss Northern Virginia’s Outstanding Teen in 2016.
And I was so proud of myself
because I did so through being authentically myself
and through promoting the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does.”
I also was really proud of myself because at the preliminary and state competitions,
I rocked my short hair.
It was one of my biggest insecurities growing up.
But there I was in front of hundreds of people,
rocking my short hair,
when five years prior, I wanted to take my life
because I was conditioned to believe that who I was wasn’t good enough.
There I was, rocking my short hair in an arena where, traditionally,
long hair is what fits the beauty standard.
And I said to myself that it was up to me
whether or not I wanted to rock my short hair straight or curly.
That was my decision.
There I was standing fierce and confident
because I knew whether I won or I lost,
I was good enough.
And I was being a part of the change that I wanted to see.
I was doing it for her.
And I was doing it for her.
And I was doing it for them -
for every little girl who needs to know
that they are good enough just the way they are.
But I was also doing it for me -
the little girl who never thought that she could be up there.
Through learning to love myself, through learning to be kind to myself,
I was able to be up on that stage
and embody the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does.”
Now, I'm sure you're wondering if I won the competition.
No, I didn’t. But that’s perfectly OK.
I was really proud to walk away with second runner-up,
and on my first try, might I add.
And after the state competition, I continued my year of service.
I could go to elementary schools
and talk about the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does.”
Usually I would start off these sessions through singing a song like “Brave”
and getting everyone really pumped up.
And then we would brainstorm acts of kindness.
So we would say,
“OK, so today I’m going to tell my friend that they’re really smart,”
or “I’m going to make sure to hold the door open for someone,”
or “I’m going to ask my parents if we can donate to a food drive.”
I was also able to go to the school board and advocate for bullying prevention
in our schools
and to talk about the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does.”
And of course, I did lots of community service across Virginia
and in the DC metropolitan area and also in parts of West Virginia.
It was a great experience.
After my time was up
as Miss Northern Virginia’s Outstanding Teen,
I took a break from competing because I came to William & Mary.
College is a big transition, and I needed to take that break.
But by junior year, I was ready to get back out there.
So I decided to compete for the title of Miss Virginia
through entering a local preliminary competition in Virginia.
But I was also nervous about this
because it would be my first time competing in the Miss division.
So I took a deep breath, and I said,
“You know, the change that you want to see?
Be that change.”
And on a chilly Saturday morning in January 2020,
I headed up to Richmond, Virginia, with one of my good friends
to compete in a competition.
And much to my surprise,
I ended up winning the title of Miss Greater Richmond.
I have the honor of representing Virginia State Capitol and its surrounding areas
for not one, but two years now because of the pandemic.
Now, at the beginning of 2020,
I certainly did not expect there to be a global pandemic.
I know none of us did.
And while my time as a titleholder
is unlike any recent titleholder’s experience,
and while I’m not able to do
many of the things that I was able to do before,
I believe that I was meant to be a titleholder during this time.
The pandemic has put a strain on mental health, on relationships,
on small businesses, on our health care system,
on so many things.
But it's not just the pandemic.
It feels like there is a pandemic of negativity in the world.
I will go on social media and scroll through,
or I’ll turn on the TV,
and it seems like each and every day, it’s bad news after bad news,
and that can be incredibly overwhelming.
I thought to myself,
“You know, we really need to see something positive out there.”
So over quarantine, I decided to do something about that.
That is when I started up the #PIAPD social media pages.
And I decided to do weekly spotlights of individuals across the country
who are embodying the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does.”
Once I sent that form out into the universe,
I got entries from people who are doing a lot of community service:
packaging meals for people in their community,
volunteering at blood drives,
or simply being a shoulder to lean on during this time.
Reading all of these stories was incredibly inspiring,
and it showed me that even amidst all of this darkness,
there is still a lot of light to be found in the world.
The message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does” is there to remind us
to be cognizant of our character and how we treat one another.
It is also there to remind us
that “pretty” can be an action word and not just a physical characteristic.
At the start of this talk,
I mentioned how the message of “Pretty Is As Pretty Does”
is important more than ever.
And it is,
but not just because we’re in a global pandemic.
In this new era, we have become so divided and polarized as a nation.
As a people, we are bullying each other with our words and our actions
on and offline, from children to adults.
And it is so easy to pretend
like our words and actions don’t have any impact,
especially when we rarely see people face-to-face anymore.
And it is a privilege to want to talk about something else,
to ignore all the chaos in the world,
when for many people it is a life-or-death situation.
So today I challenge you to sit with yourself,
to really sit with how you treat yourself and how you treat other people.
Because we have to start fixing the heart of this nation.
We have to start fixing the heart of this world.
And as you sit with yourself,
remember that this is going to take some work.
And it’s not enough
to simply decide to finally donate to that fund I heard about the other day
or to repost a trending infographic that I saw on social media.
It’s even not enough to just use a hashtag like #PIAPD.
It’s understanding that there is a difference
between doing good
and being a good person.
It’s what you decide to do when no one is looking.
And it is up to each and every one of us
to hold brands and influencers, our peers and ourselves
accountable for our words and actions.
It’s going to take work,
and it can’t be performative.
It has to be a part of the fabric of your being.
As I continue the work that I do with “Pretty Is As Pretty Does,”
I strive to be a leader that my peers can look up to
as an example of healthy self-esteem.
Do I believe that I can end all bullying in the world?
No.
Do I believe that I can change the world’s beauty standards
to make them more inclusive?
Realistically, no -
although that would be wonderful.
But if I can remind people
to be more cognizant of their character,
then I am doing my part.
If I can help you to never forget
that words might hurt but they do not define who you are,
then I’m doing my part.
And I hope that after today that you go out and do yours.
Thank you.
(Applause) (Cheers)