Back in the day being beautiful was easy. All you needed was a little money and one these
Pretty much all vintage beauty products have two main things in common: They didn't
work as promised and they looked down-right terrifying. What a combo. Take for instance
the glamor bonnet. According to its inventor Mrs. D. M. Ackerman of Hollywood, California
the glamor bonnet acts like a diver's helmet lowering the pressure inside of it in order
to stimulate blood circulation and improve your complexion to obtain what she calls 'natural
beauty'. In 1936 Isabella Gilbert invented the housewife muzzle. I'm just kidding it's
a dimple machine. The name of this dubious 1917 device says it all: the psycho expander!
Among a number of ridiculous claims the psycho expander promises women that it will enlarge
the chest to its fullest beauty. When ladies ask you, 'ooh why your boobs looking so big?'
you can respond, 'It's all thanks to the psycho expander.' One of my favorite vintage beauty
products is the permanent wave machine because it makes women look kind of like Medusa and
also kind of like they're getting all of their hair torn out of their head strand by strand
but the look so happy doing it! I even found online one woman's recounting of being a permanent
wave machine guinea pig and she said quote, 'The wires felt like they were pulling my
head right off my shoulders. I really probably cried a little bit. And after all the fuss
and trouble my hair looked pretty so I guess it was worthwhile.' Don't like your nose?
Get a nose harness. Oh god, don't, actually don't. Thanks to New York professor Eugene
Mack you can reduce the size of your chin with a chin reducer. As the advertisement
says what better investment could be made. You got a problem with blackheads? Well we've
got a vacuum cleaner to such them right out and your wrinkles along with it. Ladies you
can also grab a shop-vac and try this at home. [Vacuuming]
If ladies weren't entirely sure what they
should be insecure about then cosmetic innovator Max Factor had his trusty beauty micrometer
to find all of your flaws for you. And it looks like this. The micrometer was intended
to measure a woman's face precisely to pinpoint her flaws to figure out which places should
be reduced or enhanced with makeup. Gah! Some of these vintage beauty products were also
targeted to men particularly those who were a little follicularly challenged. Behold the
anti-balding vacuum caps meant to stimulate blood circulation in the head and keep the
hair growing. And spoiler it doesn't work. Modern ladies can thank their lucky stars
for sunscreen because otherwise we might be wearing sun bath helmets which were specially
designed to let ladies tan but not on their face. Or you can make your own. And in other
terrifying inventions intended to stimulate circulation in the face we have this 1940
face mask which yes is a bit reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter's face mask. Is this woman
self-administering a lobotomy? No she's just giving herself a scalp massage. This terrifying
beauty mask is exactly what it looks like a headpiece covered in plastic ice-filled
cubes which was originally invented by Max Factor in order to refresh actress' faces
in between film takes but was soon converted into the hangover heaven by the party-hearty
Hollywood set. Can you imagine coming home on a week-end afternoon and seeing your roommate
in one of these? Ahhh! [Vacuuming] Ahh. Help.