- Here's some news.
Wacky ridiculous-idea-haver Bernie Sanders
has introduced an impractical Medicare-For-All bill
with nobody on board
but oh, 16 popular senators, cool.
The bill likely won't pass
but would cost trillions of dollars
for the sake of, oh, everyone's health
and it would largely tax the extremely wealthy
in order to keep people alive, cool.
David Merritt, executive vice president
of America's Health Insurance Plans, said of the bill,
"Whether it's called single-payer or Medicare For All,
"government-controlled health care cannot work.
"It will eliminate choice, undermine quality,
"put a chill on medical innovation,
"and place an even heavier burden on hardworking taxpayers."
When asked who gives a (beep) God (beep)
what you (beep) think, dip(beep),
the head of insurance lobbyist responded by saying,
"Oh right, my opinion on single-payer healthcare
"is like asking Godzilla what she thinks of missiles
"or asking the president what he thinks
"of releasing his taxes."
Not only is the executive vice president
of America's Health Insurance Plans
the wrong person to ask about this,
but he's also wrong about it.
Most people pay more money now for healthcare
than the amount their taxes would go up
in crazy Bernie's nutty bill.
So Medicare for all would save most of us money, cool.
The United States spends the most on healthcare
of any other developed country,
but is 27th in life expectancy.
Also the fourth highest infant mortality rate,
sixth highest maternal mortality rate
and the ninth highest likelihood of dying
at a younger age from things
like cancer and cardiovascular disease.
When asked for comment, cardiovascular disease responded,
"Whether it's called coronary artery bypass grafting
"or percutaneous coronary intervention,
"treating heart disease cannot work.
"It will help eliminate cardiovascular disease."
and then it just sort of trails off,
to count its money,
or its artery plaque build up or whatever.
Many of course are turned off by the very idea
of everybody chipping in to pay for everybody's healthcare.
Former presidential candidate Evan McMullin asked
on twitter, "When the populists of the far left rise
"on the promise of free college
"and single-choice health care
"for all, who will stand for liberty?"
The answer of course is,
all of the healthy and educated people, Evan.
Everybody.
Even the White House got to weigh in on the bill,
when press secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders responded that,
"I can't think of anything worse
"than having government more involved in your healthcare,"
to which nobody, for some reason, shouted
but your dad's Mike Huckabee.
Also nobody said that something worse
than the government getting more involved in healthcare
is that the United States spends the most on healthcare
of any developed country and is 27th in life expectancy
and, so on, all that stuff I said.
The bill won't pass because Congress
is ghouls, but hey, baby steps.
But not American baby steps,
'cause they have the fourth highest infant mortality rate.
And hey, speaking of Sarah Huckabee Sanders saying words
for people to hear, in a recent press conference
she said of ESPN's journalist Jemele Hill's tweet
calling President Donald Trump a white supremacist,
"I think that's one of the more outrageous comments
"that anyone could make, and certainly something
"that I think is a fireable offense by ESPN."
The White House advocating for the firing of citizens
for criticizing the president isn't new, it's very new.
Unless you count that one time
when former President Barack Obama's press secretary
said that NBC should fire the host
of their show The Apprentice for the incessant perpetuation
of his racist birtherism.
Do we have a clip?
Why not?
On the same day Huckabee Sanders said calling Trump
a white supremacist is a fireable offense,
the White House skirted a question
about whether or not Trump would sign
a unanimous joint congressional resolution
condemning white supremacists.
So, probably nothing there.
But hey, speaking of ESPN, sports, and speaking of sports,
here's a new segment we like to call Some Sports,
About Which I Know Quite A Bit
And In Which I Participate Quite Well.
(rock music)
Here's some news, the NFL, a nefarious cadre
of greedy old white men putting on a 16-week campaign
of literally mind-altering physical violence funded
by the voting public, finally returned this week!
Hell yeah, missed that grid iron!
Grid iron?
There's your problem.
Make it like rubber, it's safer, you know?
Gridiron means football field?
I already knew that?
I was just doing a bit?
Okay, as part of their ongoing commitment
to erode our sense of cognitive dissonance,
Sunday Night Football heavily
featured alleged domestic abuser Ezekiel Elliott
whose first documented abuse allegation
was in February of 2016, with subsequent incidents
extending all the way into November of last year,
and who's suspension was lifted just in time for week one!
Thank God!
Can't have Cowboys V Giants without Zeke!
In other news Colin Kaepernick,
former Super Bowl starting quarterback
and current perfectly serviceable professional quarterback
is still inexplicably unemployed,
leading some to believe that his 2016 refusal to stand
for the national anthem until racial injustice
in America was satisfactorily addressed
has led to his purposeful exclusion by the owners.
Which is collusion.
And not going to stop people from protesting.
And rejecting exactly the kind of freedom
the Star Spangled Banner celebrates.
This just in!
Josh McCown, Scott Tolzein, Tom Savage, and Trevor Siemian
all got paid money to play quarterback last week.
Josh McCown?
All right.
Still, great to see Zeke.
I have him in fantasy!
And now since I'm both condemning football
and participating in fantasy football,
it's time for Hypocorner, Cornercrite.
(beep) Hypocrite Corner.
Ted Cruz's personal Twitter account
liked some sweet, sweet stepmom porn on 9/11,
and before we continue.
Just gonna enjoy that.
(chuckles)
The like of course came from a man who supported
a law banning sex toys because he says
that one should not stimulate one's own genitalia
without another person present.
For reproductive purposes?
Kind of hypocritical, Ted.
It's like if Rush Limbough told all of his listeners
that hurricane Irma is a hoax from the liberal media
to advance the climate change agenda
and up water bottle sales,
and then immediately evacuated his Florida home
which was in Irma's hurricane route.
It'd be like that, because that happened.
So did this.
But Cruz dismissed the irony and said he believes
that consenting adults can do whatever they want
behind closed doors, except be married
and gay at the same time.
Cruz denies that the like came from him
and says it was a staffing error,
because it's much more believable
that a millennial age social media staffer
got confused and went to a porn twitter page,
and liked a porn video of a woman
who looks like Ted Cruz's wife,
than it is that an out of touch sexually repressed
and sexually repressing man checked out a porn twitter page
and in his frenzy of shame-wanking accidentally hit like
or didn't think people could see that he hit like on a video
of a woman who looks like his wife masturbating
to her stepdaughter getting (beep)
by her stepdaughter's boyfriend, on 9/11.
Ted, if you had just been upfront about masturbating,
if you'd had said "I'm sorry, for sex shaming everyone
"to a standard that I myself can't live by,"
we'd get it.
Who cares that you jerk off,
I've been jerking off this entire time.
Somehow.
And if you had said, "We as Americans need to carry on
"even on this horrible day
"and if that means doing normal things like masturbating
"so be it, let me lead the way,"
we would have understood!
But instead, now you'll always look back on this day
and think "oh man, that was truly my 9/11."
Speaking of, what I just talking about,
James Woods criticized Armie Hammer's recent film
Call Me By Your Name?
because he said it "quietly chips away
"the last barriers of decency #NAMBLA".
Cool hashtag.
Hip, uh, dude.
James was criticizing the film
because it's about a 24 year old male character
and a 17 year old male character
who have a romantic and physical relationship.
And one can definitely argue that,
that is an uncomfortable age difference and oh, wait.
James Woods dated a 19 year old when he was 60,
and a 20-year-old when he was 66.
Special thanks to Hammer for Armie-ing him.
Ah, (beep) that up.
Special thanks to Armie for Hammering him, yeah.
And special ew to James for hammering
that 19-year-old when he was 60.
Barriers of decency.
But, to be fair, even though 19 is still immature,
one could say that 19 is very different than 17
and oh, wait.
Amber Tamblyn mentioned the time,
"James Woods tried to pick me and my friend up
"at a restaurant once.
"He wanted to take us to Vegas.
"I'm 16" I said.
"Even better" he said."
James denied this happened
and Amber wrote an open letter
to him saying (beep) you, yeah it did.
Later that day, he retweeted
the Cincinnati Zoo's one-year-old giraffe adding
"Just look at the sheer beauty of this creature."
Even better, right James?
Obviously he doesn't want to (beep) that giraffe
but come on, James.
It's the same day, chill.
This has been whatever we called that.
Speaking of actors, movies, and speaking of movies, this.
The summer movie season drew to a close last week,
with a report card best exemplified
by two of the summer's most beloved movie characters,
a cartoonish mountain of shit, and a talking poop emoji.
No, that's, switch them.
Yeah, I understand why you're confused.
This past summer was the movie industry's worst since 2006,
which for reference was the year
the Miami Vice movie came out.
Box office receipts were 15% lower than last year,
signaling a decline in the number of people
who are interested in going to see movies in the theater.
Movie studios wasted no time
in pointing their cigar-stained fatcat paws
at Rotten Tomatoes as being responsible
for the lackluster performance
of several tentpole films this summer,
including Baywatch, Pirates of the Caribbean, part five?
Transformers, part five?
And Tom Cruise's The Mummy,
a film in which Tom Cruise is nearly twice as old
as the person playing the mummy.
Blaming the failure of your film on a website
that reported whether or not people liked it
is like blaming the computer
that tallied up all your wrong answers
for why you bombed the SATs.
Like, just stop making (beep) movies.
People don't hate big blockbuster films, my dudes.
We're not against superhero movies or reboots,
or sequels or movies that are all of those things.
And people will still go see a movie
if they're interested in it,
even when most critics consider it
to be the cinematic equivalent of crib death.
We do, after all,
have the fourth highest infant mortality rate.
But it's (beep) expensive to go to the movies in 2017.
You gotta give people a good reason to drop that cash, bruh.
Tell a fun, interesting story that wasn't written
by nine people, or show us something we haven't seen before.
Nobody needed to wait for a Rotten Tomatoes score
to know that two reboots of long-dormant franchises
starring a pair of polarizing retirement-aged movie stars
wasn't worth dropping $60 on.
You could spend that money on so many other things
that aren't those two dip(beep).
Or cartoon faces people text to each other
instead of typing actual words,
a movie Sony knew was so bad
that they placed a review embargo on it
that forbid anyone from publishing a review
until literally hours before its first showing
Just stop making bad movies
and then you can blame Rotten Tomatoes
for all the money you make from your good movies.
Here's some news, there was a school shooting
in Spokane, Washington, and there's ethnic cleansing
in Myanmar and no jokes about that.
Just thought we should end this episode on an low note.
We did it.
(solemn music)
Why?
That was a bad idea.
It's sad.