this is a question I received from a subscriber about dating and it can help
a lot of you so make sure that you stay tuned what is up everybody this is Chris
from the rewired so where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution
and if you're new here I love getting questions I love when all of you out
there ask me questions because it means here wheels are turn it means that you
want to get some suggestions some advice maybe some knowledge maybe some wisdom
so this is a question from a subscriber and if you would like to ask me a
question for me to answer in one of my videos make sure you email me or DM me
on Instagram or leave a comment down below do whatever you got to do get a
hold of me alright so this is a question about dating a sober guy now listen very
carefully don't turn this video off because I'm gonna cover some things that
all of y'all need to hear whether or not it has to do with somebody that's
sobriety or not alright so let's get to the question alright everybody I may
look a little different some of you saw the original video and you're like Chris
why just take down the original video well I took it down out of respect for
the viewer who sent me the email there was a lot of details in that email that
she asked me to remove so I took it down and I am just rear according this to
give you all some context for anybody who didn't see the original video so
anyways a young woman emailed me and basically her situation was she was
seeing a guy who had been sober from alcohol for about a year and he had been
cleaned from substances for about four months he went on a trip he had a
relapse he experienced some withdrawal and he started working with a sponsor
who suggested that he focused 100% on his recovery no relationships no nothing
like that but you know because he has feelings for this young woman he said
you know what you know we could still be friends and he was also saying that you
know don't wait around for me for this whole first year no dating thing because
I don't know who I'm gonna be in a year all right my opinion should they stay
friends what do I think is going on in this head
and some things like that all right so that's kind of the context of the email
so the rest of this video will make a lot more sense
but anyways something I forgot to plug in the last one is like share this video
share this video because if you're not somebody I know you know somebody who is
debating on staying friends with somebody that they were seeing and now
they're not saying all right share this please get the word out there
because I'm gonna cover a lot of different topics in this video all right
now here we go oh great question there is so much going on in this
question okay so first thing first thing let's talk all right I don't think this
guy has been as sober as he told you withdrawal does not just happen
withdrawal only happens if you have been binge drinking for a while all right
like after the vacation unless this was like a month-long vacation which I don't
know like unless this was a very long vacation his body would not become
dependent to alcohol that quickly substances like heroin yeah you can do
it once and then get withdrawal but alcohol like he didn't go like party for
a week or a weekend and then have symptoms of withdrawal that's not how it
works hangover yes withdrawal no all right so
I would be kind of curious about how honest he was from the start okay now
jugar see him getting sober and working with a sponsor and talking about not
dating at his first year cool good on him
I do want to I want to preface the rest of this video the rest of this video
with saying these are strictly opinions based on my experience based on my
experience with guys in particular having a lot of friends who are females
and things like that strictly opinion but the first thing I
will say is I don't know I don't know what's going on in his head
I hope you've watched my video about expectations but yeah he might be legit
he might be honest he might really want to take his sobriety seriously and do
what his sponsor says and all that jazz like his motive for staying friends I
don't know I try to give all of you tough love
very honest but much-needed truth so I don't like the sugar
stuff and have you hang on to hope but hope it's necessary but not in instances
like this in my in my opinion he might be somebody because this is usually what
happens he might be somebody who was trying to
spare feelings and saying let's just be friends um in order to just not saying
okay I'm done with you let's never talk again but this is something that I want
all of you to hear it's very hard to do this it is very very very hard it is
very rare that people stay friends after they dated it happens it does happen
okay my my son's mom and I are like best friends but she's like remarried and has
like a son and everything like that and like we're friends and obviously we have
a son between us now as far as staying friends after like a relationship no
matter how serious it was this you know three or four months somewhat serious
maybe but there's usually just from my experience a few reasons why they do
this one is to leave the door open for hookups which this guy shouldn't be
doing anyways or to to string you along for a while until he is ready for you
which is unfair that's why I'm a little confused because it's kind of
contradictory for him to say let's stay friends but you know also just go and
live your life he sounds like he's confused but this is very normal if
somebody in early sobriety they have no idea what they want okay and like I
think probably the best part of what he said was he doesn't want you waiting
around hanging on to this hope you guys are gonna date after a year like the
amount that I changed over my first year was insane and the amount I changed over
my my after my first year to my second year was even more you know and I
continue to grow I continue to change the type of woman that I was dating when
I first got clean or even in my act of addition completely different later on
so he he's correct he might be a completely different person now here's
here's the part that all of you need here to like it's I think you know way
too many of us give thought to attached in a short period of time way too
attached way way way way way too attached so this
is time to start reflecting in words and saying like why why do I get so attached
why because I used to be the same way like all of my relationship advice it
comes from so much experience it's disgusting okay but I would get so
attached and something I realized was I have this insane irrational fear of
being alone okay insane irrational fear so as soon as I click with somebody I'm
like oh my god I started projecting in the future are we gonna be together with
this is my soulmate da da da da and we get this issue with thinking that we're
never gonna meet somebody as good as that again and girl let me tell you
right now first off your will second off I'm sure he's a great guy but he is not
in his optimal state okay so what that means is is that he is doing you a favor
okay I'm 1,000% sure if me and you talked a little bit more and you told me
all of his qualities I guarantee you can find those qualities in somebody else
something that I always try to tell my friends who are either going through a
breakup the fear of being alone or I have friends who have been single for a
very long time and have this fear of being lonely and then they try to cling
to like the first person who gives them some attention again is remember this
remember this everybody there are over seven point six billion people on this
planet seven point six billion people okay the chances are that that person
was the one is pretty improbable okay now here's the other thing too and this
is a whole nother video a whole nother with the idea of the one needs to get
out your head it needs to just leave your brain okay this is something that
has been sold to us by romance movies and novels and all stuff like that this
is not the way love works okay this is not the way these these things work okay
yes I know I know what you're thinking about now but my mom and dad in middle
school and they've been together ever since
cool they worked well together okay that is amazing Congrats event but your
fixation on finding that one person set yourself up to get attached to people
who are not the best fit the best match for
you okay when we are costly looking for the one we are lowering our bar we are
accepting way too many flaws like in all honesty in your specific situation this
guy has a lot of work to do okay a lot of work to do you deserve better okay
and hopefully he knows that you deserve better all right there is no reason why
you should go into a relationship thinking that you have to fix anybody or
wait around for them especially with recovery one of the reasons why it's so
such a bad idea today somebody in the early recovery is a lot of times we're
just waiting for the other shoe to drop a lot of times it sucks to admit this
but a lot of people relapse you know what I mean and getting emotionally
invested in something like that you just shouldn't do it all right
like I said seven point six billion people on this planet less than 10
percent of them or addicts and alcoholics find one that already has
them again look within yourself because like you said anxiety and OCD you might
have an issue that you need to look within yourself on and see if you have
an issue trying to find people who are broken you know like these these are
things and sometimes they're manageable sometimes they're not but a lot of times
early on in relationships people think that they can deal with it and it
doesn't take very long for them to realize that they can't right and
sometimes it sucks because the times by the time you realize that you've already
moved in together and he feels like that and that's a bad time to figure it out
so my suggestion is like cut the ties if you want to stay friendly cool but have
your expectations at a bare bare bare minimum do not wait around for this guy
go out I I do think that you need to do some some soul-searching okay find out
what you're looking for look within yourself are you fine trying
to find people with flaws in them you know what qualities does this person
have and be very realistic with yourself on is it possible that somebody else has
these qualities because it definitely definitely is life
think of anybody on earth where they're the only one with these certain
qualities all right so go out there find somebody new or stay single for a while
it all really depends on you all right but a lot of this stuff that I've talked
about in this video you can all find it it's a broken picker playlist I will
link it at the end of this video all right anyways thank you so much for
emailing me this question I hope I hope you guys got something out of it and
please share it if you got something out of it or you think you know somebody who
needs to see this video please please please share it and if any of you have
any questions that you would like me to answer feel free to leave them in the
comments below or head to my about page it has my email and all my other social
media so you can get a hold of me alright but thank you so much for
watching if you like this video please give it a thumbs up and if you're new
here make sure you click that little red subscribe button I'm always making
videos to help you out with your mental and emotional well-being and like I said
boom watch that playlist called the broken picker a ton of relationship
advice alright but anyways thanks again for watching ask me some questions and
I'll see you later