So I see we have a lot
of generations here tonight,
which I love because I love seeing
different age groups.
What's interesting
now is that the generations are kind
of fighting amongst themselves.
Like the boomers are upset
with the millennials,
and the millennials are mad at gen Z.
So sometimes it's confusing
as to first of all, which group
we're in and who we're supposed
to be mad at, so I'm going to help y'all.
Our oldest generation right now
is called the silent generation.
These people were born
between the 1920s and 1940s.
They're called the silent generation
because when they were kids
they were to be seen and not heard.
These are my in-laws.
They're in their 90s.
These are the people that still cook
with lard
and are afraid of microwave ovens.
(audience laughing)
My in-laws have been married
for 65 years.
(audience laughing)
65 years straight.
And apparently, if you've been
married that long, you no longer
have the ability to hear the sound
of the other person's voice.
(audience laughing)
Because I go to their house,
they both talk to me
at the exact same time.
Two completely separate
conversations.
And I don't want to be rude,
they're my in-laws,
they're sweet people,
so I try to go back and forth
to both conversation, which
is like having a conversation
with somebody with a wandering eye.
You don't know.
(audience laughing)
You don't know which one to get in,
right?
You don't know which
is the right one.
So I usually
go with my father-in-law
because his stories are better.
He likes--
(audience laughing)
They really are.
He likes to talk about the war
against the squirrels
in their backyard.
(audience laughing)
He's fighting a war.
He's spent $1,000 to save maybe
$3 worth of bird food.
I swear.
(audience laughing)
He's got aluminum sheeting up all
over the trees,
and he has electrified their bird
feeders.
(audience laughing)
It's awesome.
So what happens is,
the little squirrel comes along
and he's just trying to get lunch,
and it will spin and electrify it
and zing it off.
And my father-in-law sits there
all day with his binoculars.
Look, here he comes.
Here he comes.
Woo, there he goes.
Woo.
(audience laughing)
And he's the happiest man
on the face of the Earth.
(audience laughing)
And that's why they've been married
for 65 years.
The next generation
after the silent generation
are the baby boomers, and the baby
boomers were born
between the 1940s
and mid 60s.
This is my mom's generation.
These are the people that perfected
smoking.
They smoked at home,
they smoked at work,
they smoked in church,
they smoked in restaurants
between bites of food.
There were ashtrays on the tables
at McDonald's.
They smoked in the car
with their children with the windows
rolled up very tightly.
But we're all still here.
Now, for some reason the boomers
are upset and mad
at the millennials.
And to be fair, everybody's
mad at the millennials.
And I think it's because they
invented avocado toast.
(audience laughing)
And the word artisanal, and they're
putting pumpkin spice in way
too many beverages that should not
have pumpkin spice in it, right?
And it's not their fault.
Millennials, it's not your fault
that you're big goobers.
It's not your fault.
(audience laughing)
It's not.
It's because your Star Wars had
Jar Jar Binks in it.
It's not your fault.
(audience laughing)
It's not your fault. It's not your--
and it doesn't matter
because the millennials are all
getting married
and have a babies now,
and their lives are over.
So it doesn't even matter at all, so.
(audience laughing)
After the millennials come gen Z.
Gen Z was born between 1995
and 2015.
Gen Z, these are my kids.
Good luck, America.
(audience laughing)
Gen Z doesn't know how to write
a check.
They don't know how to address
an envelope.
They don't know how to read cursive.
They don't know how to read
a paper map.
They can't get anywhere
unless there's a GPS map
on their phone.
All I'm saying
is if gen Z takes over the world,
it's going to be pretty easy to get
it back.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
We're just going to write our battle
plans in cursive on a piece
of paper.
(audience laughing)
And then mail it to ourselves
in envelopes.
(audience laughing)
Did I forget anybody?
Did I forget any generations?
Thank you, gen X. Awesome.
See, I didn't forget gen X.
I was born the first year of gen X
like you, and I am so glad you're here.
See, here's who forgot gen X
last year, CBS News forgot gen X,
a whole generation of people.
They did silent generation, boomers,
and they went down to millennials,
and post-- they forgot 65 million
of us.
But here's all you need to know
about gen X. We don't care.
(audience laughing)
We don't care.
We raised ourselves.
We don't care.
As a matter of fact, we kind of like it.
We kind of like it that you left us
off your little list, CBS News.
We're like the secret dive bar
that only the locals know about.
We don't have to advertise,
and we're never going out
of business.
(audience laughing)
Generation X, we are
the latchkey kids that were raised
by the boomer parents.
We sat in the way, way back
seat of our mom's station wagon,
rear facing at the people behind us.
(audience clapping)
Just waving.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Nobody wore a seatbelt, not even
in the front seat.
If your mom's arm wasn't
strong enough, you deserve to go
through the windshield.
(audience laughing)
We're all still here.
We're never going out of business.
(audience laughing)
We didn't have helicopter parents,
and in fact, we had the opposite
of helicopter parents.
We had Home Depot parents.
Where it looks like there should be
someone in the store there
that can help you.
(audience laughing)
But there's not.
No one's coming.
You're on your own.
This is Home Depot.
Do you need a skill saw?
Well, there's only one left
in the entire store,
and it's way on a shelf way
up there.
Just grab yourself a ladder,
my friend, and start climbing.
And don't pull it over on yourself
and cut your arm off because they're
not going to take you
to the hospital.
In fact, it's going to be your fault
that you got hurt.
(audience laughing)
Here's what you get.
Suck it up, blow on it,
rub some dirt on it, walk it off,
quit your crying.
Welcome to Home Depot.
(audience cheering)
That's what you get.
Nobody cared that we were bored.
Nobody cared what our grades were.
Nobody cared that we were eating
lunch out of a lunchbox that was
filled with rust.
(audience laughing)
You had a rusty lunchbox,
didn't you?
You did.
Nobody cared that we were getting
pummeled in the face
with real red rubber dodge balls.
(audience laughing)
Not the little foamy baby kind.
The real rubber red ones that left
a crosshatch print.
(audience applauding)
It left a print in your head
until the next day, just boom.
Nobody cared.
Nobody came
to our athletic practices.
Nobody brought sliced oranges.
Certainly no one was arranging
a play date.
(audience laughing)
Here's how my mom arranged
a play date.
At 8:00 in the morning, my mama
would say, "y'all, go outside
"and play."
Boom.
Lock the door.
Right?
Yes.
That's what we did.
She locked the door.
We weren't coming back in there.
We were outside all day.
We didn't have anything to eat.
We didn't have anything to drink.
We didn't have a juice box
or any goldfish crackers.
If we were thirsty, we drank out
of where?
- The hose.
- Yes.
Yes.
The hose.
And we're all still here.
We're never going out of business.
(audience laughing)
And the water was hot.
Very hot.
Now, what were we doing in the yard?
What were we doing out there?
Well, we were trying to kill
each other.
(audience laughing)
We had rock fights, we had dirt clod
fights, we had green pinecone
fights, and we had BB-gun fights.
Yes, we did.
But there were rules.
We had rules.
Three pumps max.
(audience laughing)
No intentional head shots.
(audience laughing)
It wasn't anarchy.
And on holidays, we upgraded
our game.
We had bottle rocket wars,
and Roman candle fights.
And all my dad ever said was,
"Don't shoot each other in the eye."
(audience laughing)
It was OK.
And eventually, we would go outside
and we would get on our big wheels,
and we would ride in traffic.
We made Evel Knievel ramps
on cinderblocks with plywood that
had nails sticking up out of it.
(audience laughing)
Nobody wore a bike helmet.
We're all still here.
We're never going out of business.