I'm the first generation
of my family actually born
in this country.
My whole family are immigrants,
and I know it's a hot button topic,
immigration.
You know what gets lost in all
the noise?
We forget that this is a nation
of immigrants.
We also forget that we tend
to incorporate almost everybody's
culture into ours somehow.
As Americans we do that, and honor
other people's cultures, by taking
their holidays,
and making them
a three-day drinking binge.
That's what we do, right?
We will drink for holidays,
and this country has no idea why
we're drinking.
Cinco de Mayo.
We have no idea that's May 5th,
the date in history when Mexico
defeated France at the battle
of Pueblo.
Well, France lost a battle.
Drink up, America.
How about that?
(audience laughing)
The biggest one, St. Patty's Day.
We drink on St. Patrick's Day
because a 5th-century monk chased
the snakes out of Ireland.
Well, good enough for me.
Let's drink up, no more snakes.
I'm not Irish, so I've never
understood why the Irish thought
it was a good idea to cook up
corned beef and cabbage,
and serve it to people who are
drinking beer all day.
(audience laughing)
Obviously, the were not thinking
ahead to the morning of March 18th.
(audience laughing)
Here's my theory.
Snakes left Ireland voluntarily.
Ooh, man.
(audience laughing)
I mean, like it or not,
alcohol is weaved into the fabric
of American history.
The Star-Spangled Banner.
We all remember from school,
Francis Scott Key wrote
the Star-Spangled Banner.
But he only wrote the words,
he did not write the music.
He wrote the words
to fit a popular piece of music
at the time, which is a rowdy bar
song called "Anacreon in Heaven."
This is true, look it up.
Our national anthem is set
to a drinking song.
You know what that means?
It means getting this close
to having the Star-Spangled Banner
sung to the tune of "99 Bottles
of Beer on the Wall."
That's how close it came, folks.
(audience laughing)
♫ Oh, say can you see,
♫ by the dawn's early light.
♫ What so proudly we hailed.
♫ With rockets red glare,
♫ bombs bursting in air.
♫ Hand me a beer cause our flag is
♫ still there. ♫
Play ball!
(audience laughing)
As a comic,
I travel the entire country.
I think by this point,
I've met people
of every single nationality.
But I've got to tell you guys this.
If I meet one more person
in this country that is 1/16
Cherokee, I don't know why,
it's always Cherokee, always 1/16.
(audience laughing)
Had a guy tell me one time he
was half English, half Irish,
and 1/16 Cherokee.
(audience laughing)
Well, dude, I suggest you cut down
on the carbs, a little bit over maybe.
(audience laughing)
And I'll preface by saying my mother
was a war refugee.
My mom had a difficult time getting
into this country.
That said, I think we do
need to control that border
in this country, otherwise, we're
in danger of being overrun
by illegal, undocumented Canadians
sneaking into this country.
(audience laughing)
You know, you laugh.
They could be here right now,
we'd never know.
They look just like us.
(audience laughing)
I don't trust Canadians.
Let me tell you why.
(audience laughing)
Because every nationality that moves
to this country opens a restaurant.
Has anybody here ever dined
in Canadian cuisine?
No.
I rest my case.
(audience laughing)
I can only think of one
Canadian restaurant--
Chick-fil-Eh?
(audience laughing)
OK, the dumbest joke got the bigger
laugh.
I think I found this level
of the room right now.
(audience laughing)
I'm fascinated with people's
nationalities.
My next door neighbor
is from a Spanish speaking country,
and I finally got to ask him where
he's from.
I said, Danny, I always meant
to ask, what country did you come
here from?
He says, "man, where do you think
"I'm from?"
I said, Mexico.
"Man, I'm from El Salvador.
"Do I look Mexican to you?"
No.
(audience laughing)
Why would I think that,
that's absurd?
Did I say Mexico?
I meant Norway, that's what I meant
to say.
(audience laughing)
I can relate.
I get that all the time, too.
Everyone who meets me
thinks I'm Italian, and I'm not.
I know I got the speech pattern,
I got the mannerisms,
the affectations.
I'm actually Romanian.
OK.
(audience laughing)
And 1/16 Cherokee.
Does that help you guys?
Is that better?
(audience cheering)
And my movie is
"Dances with Werewolves."
(audience laughing)
I realize Romania is a country you
never hear about, except every four
years, during the summer Olympics,
gymnastics girls show up,
grab their medals,
run back to Romania every four
years.
(audience laughing)
And to me, that's the coolest thing.
When sometimes small countries get
to win gold in the Olympics.
But you know when your smaller
countries wins a gold, that's
got to mess up the guy who has
to play national anthems
at the award ceremony.
Right?
He's got some box of anthems
to hit with one.
"The winner, Ecuador."
(audience laughing)
I don't even have Ecuador
in the box, man.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to play Santana and hope
nobody notices.
(audience laughing)
"Please rise
"for the Ecuador national anthem."
(singing in Spanish)
Yes, ladies, this is how I dance.
Yes.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, look at you.
I'm glad you told us.
We thought we were watching
a middle-aged white guy having
a seizure on a stage.
(audience laughing)