HELLO,
HELLO, HELLO, VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I REALIZE AS I WALKED OUT IMMEDIATELY SOME OF YOU BECAME
CONCERNED.
LIKE OH GOD, JAMES HAS BOOKED A BROWN COMEDIAN.
IS HE GOING TO BE GOING ON ABOUT BEING BROWN THE WHOLE TIME.
PLEASE DON'T WORRY.
ONLY ABOUT 10% OF MY STAFF STUFF IS BASED ON ME BEING BROWN.
(LAUGHTER) THE OTHER 90% IS BASED ON MY
ISSUES WITH WHITE PEOPLE.
BUT I MEAN LOOKING AROUND I NOTICE THERE HAS BEEN A BIT OF A
BOOKING ERROR BUT I WILL JUST SAY WHAT I HAVE GOT TO SAY AND
LEAVE.
I HAVE GOT THREE CHILDREN AND I REGRET IT I DO.
IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE, WHAT CAN YOU DO, YOU CAN'T KILL THEM.
JUST GOT TO SIT THERE AND WAIT TO DIE LIKE I CAN'T BELIEVE WE
DID THIS.
I KNOW.
WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE HAPPY.
I KNOW.
IT WAS YOUR IDEA, IT WASN'T MY IDEA, I SAID I DON'T LIKE
CONDOMS, THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
WE GOT THREE KIDS, TWO ARE GOOD, WHAT ONE IS A DIQ.
I WILL BE HONEST, HE IS SUCH A DICK.
I LOVE THIS KID BUT I DO NOT LIKE HIM.
LIKE SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I WANT HIM TO GET HURT.
SOMETIMES I WANT HIM TO GET HURT.
LET ME EXPLAIN.
SIX YEAR OLD BOY DOESN'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAY.
WHEN WE GO OUT HE RUNS AWAY.
NOT IN A CUTE TODDLER WAY, HE RUNS AWAY LIKE HE IS FLEEING
ISIS SHED HEADED FOR THE HILLS.
WHEN I SAY TO HIM DON'T DO THAT BECAUSE IF YOU DO THAT YOU ARE
GOING TO GET HURT, AND THEN HE DOES IT, AND HE DOESN'T GET
HURT.
(LAUGHTER) THAT PISSES ME OFF, THAT REALLY
DOES.
(APPLAUSE) MY SECOND SON HAS JUST STARTED
SCHOOL.
AND BEFORE HE STARTED THE SCHOOL SENT HOME A LETTER SAYING PLEASE
MAKE SURE YOUR CHILDREN ARE TOILET TRAINED BEFORE THEY
START.
AND MY WIFE STARTED GETTING NERVOUS WHAT WE GOING TO DO,
WHAT IF HE POOS HIMSELF WHAT IF HE POOS HIMSELF.
I SAID WHO CARES.
WHO CARES.
IF HE POOS HIMSELF AT SCHOOL, THE BULLYING WILL MAKE SURE THAT
NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.
IS HE GOING TO HAVE IT LITTLE RALLY KICKED OUT OF HIM.
PLUS I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF TOILET TRAINING, DO
YOU.
IT'S HORRIBLE TO DO.
AND YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT, EVENTUALLY, AREN'T YOU.
>> HAVE YOU EVER MET ANYONE, HAVE YOU EVER MET ANYONE IN YOUR
LIFE WHO HAS GONE I JUST NEVER-- I JUST NEVER TOILET
TRAINED AS A CHILD, NOW I JUST POO WHERE I STAND.
IT'S HORRIBLE.
I'M A VERY UNATTRACTIVE MAN, I'M NOT ASHAMED OF THAT, IT'S JUST
THE DEAL.
I'M AN UNATTRACTIVE TRA MAN AND I'M PUTTING ON WEIGHT AND IT
MAKES ME FEEL SELF-CONSCIENCE.
I'M SER SELF-CONSCIENCE ABOUT MY PHYSIQUE, BUT NOT SO
SELF-CONSCIENCE THAT I WILL CHANGE MY LIFESTYLE BUT MI
SELF-CONSCIENCE.
I WOKE UP ONE MORNING, WENT TO THE BATHROOM TO LOOK AT MYSELF
IN THE MIRROR.
I WAS SO DISGUSTED AT THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING ABOMINATION
STAIRING BACK AT ME.
I WENT BACK TO THE BEDROOM AND I APOLOGIZED TO MY WIFE FOR MY
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.
AND SHE ACCEPTED MY APOLOGY.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE) I AM CURRENTLY TEACHING MY SON
TO READ.
I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF YOU HAVE DONE.
THIS IT IS ONE OF THE MOST MAGICAL AND REWARDING THINGS
THAT I THINK YOU CAN DO THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT AFTER THAT
IT IS ONE OF THE MOST FRUSTRATING, ANNOYING, WASTE OF
TIME, WOULD RATHER PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE THAN EVER DO THIS
ACTIVITY AGAIN.
LET ME TELL YOU WHY.
HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MAKING SENGS, THIS KID, KONLT CARE
LESS, GIVE YOU ALL THE EASY WORDS, SHORT WORDS, IF, AND,
THAT, WHEN IT COMES TO A LONG WORD, A DIFFICULT WORD, INSTEAD
OF TRYING WILL JUST LOOK AT THE PICTUREnd THROW SOMETHING
RANDOM IN FROM THERE WITHOUT ANY REGARD FOR WHAT AFFECT IT HAS ON
THE REST OF THE SENTENCE.
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO NOT GET ANGRY.
I'M SUPPOSED TO NOT GET ANGRY WHEN HE GOES JACK WENT
STRAWBERRY?
HOW COULD THAT BE WHAT IT SAID, THINK ABOUT IT CARE FLY, OF ALL
THE WORDS YOU KNOW HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN STRAWBERRY,
WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN LOOK LIKE?
WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD MOMMY OR DADDY SAY
WE'RE OFF TO GO STRAWBERRY, NO, SO WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR
LITTLE HEAD WHEN YOU SAID I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU THINK THAT IS WHAT
IT SAID, WHY DON'T YOU GO STRAWBERRY NOW, GO, STRAWBERRY,
STOP CRYING, GO STRAWBERRY, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID IT
SAID.
I DIDN'T SAY IT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> James: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RAMESH RANGANATHAN AT
THE GREEK THEATER ON DECEMBER 2 1S.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.