What do you do when someone else continuously
breaks your boundaries? Do you have a person like that in your life?
A friend a family member a loved one a coworker a boss if so this video is for you
for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down I'm Amber Hollingsworth
and this YouTube channel is all about understanding the science and psychology of
addiction so that you can get your life and your family back on track
and of course boundaries is a huge topic in the realm of addiction recovery
now you might be thinking this video is only for the family members but
if you're thinking that you'd be wrong this video is for anyone who wants to learn more
about holding healthier boundaries and how to do it more effectively I know just how frustrating it
is to have a person in your life that just can't seem to respect your boundaries
and I get questions about this all the time emails about and of course I've personally
experienced it myself haven't we all let me know what boundary you really want to do a
better job of keeping in the comments below and I'm going to tell you how to actually
accomplish that and fair warning the answer might be a little surprising the hard truth is
no one else can actually break your boundary only you can break your boundary if someone
else is crossing lines that you don't want them to cross it means you're allowing them
to break your boundaries you see your boundaries are the lines in the sand for your own behavior
so someone's doing something to you or acting a certain way towards you that you don't like
it means that you're not keeping your own boundaries and it's so
easy to fall into the idea that it's this other person that's the bad guy and I get you on some
level right? Like where's the common human decency and respect why do people have to
put you in the bad guy role why can't people just do what they're supposed to do act right
have decency and manners I'm with you man but unfortunately It just doesn't work that way
and ultimately it falls on us to keep her own boundaries it's easy to get confused because
we think a boundary is when we tell someone else what they can and can't do and then we watched the
Amber videos and we convince ourselves that Hey no I'm telling them what I will and won't tolerate
but if you don't have a plan for what you're going to do if X Y or Z situation happens Then
you don't have a boundary you can't just say something to someone and think okay I've put
it out there and they're not going to do it because I've told them and I mean it
anytime you set a boundary you gotta be prepared to back that boundary up
if this happens I'm going to do this then you're not prepared to back the boundary up
let me give you some really common boundary issues that I hear all the time in family
recovery you have to be home by 11 o'clock 10 o'clock 12 o'clock two o'clock I don't care
but there's a boundary in you're saying that this person who lives with you needs to be home by
blank time at night it's like a curfew or something
you know what? That's not a real boundary because that's about them and their behavior
that's on their side of the street and you can't really
tell someone else what they're going to do or not do and I know what you're thinking
anything well this is my kid I won't tell them what they can and can't do
well if you're watching this video then you're probably thinking about a kid that's old enough
to be having a substance abuse problem or at least not obeying your curfew rules
which means you can't really control their behavior you can only control
your behavior hang on to that we're going to come back to it
and I'm going to tell you a better way to set that boundary if that's an issue for you
here's another one you can't use drugs in this house and I know what you're thinking it's my
house I can set a boundary for it sure you can but you can't tell someone else what they can
and can't do or at least if you're going to do that then you need to
have a really good plan about what you are and are not going to do when that happens
here's another one I hear all the time you can't talk to me that way well if someone's talking to
you ugly they're already doing it so apparently it's not an effective way to set a boundary
because again that's you being on their side of the street you're trying to build
walls and gates around them which people don't usually like very much
and most people don't respect remember you can only build the wall or gate around yourself here's
another one you have to pay your part of the rent you have to pay your part of the electric bill you
have to pay your part of the rehab you have to pay your part of child support I mean the list goes on
this is another really common when it comes to addiction recovery wanting someone else to be
more financially responsible for themself again anytime you're starting with you or
you're going to or you're not going to that's a really good clear indicator that you have now
moved on there side of the street and you're probably not setting an effective boundary
here's another one and it's an important one this one is you have to be sober when you're with the
kids now I'm not saying this isn't a healthy good boundary but what I am saying is you're going to
have to figure out a different more effective way of setting that boundary and we're going to go
back through this list and we're going to talk about alternative ways of thinking about these
boundaries and how to make them more realistic and get them back on your side of the street
but as we go through these I want you to think about two things first I want you to think about
why am I setting this boundary? Am I setting this boundary? Because it's what I need for myself
my children and my family and my own sanity am I doing it for me
reasons or am I doing it because I'm trying to control that other person
now be careful here cause it's easy easy easy to lie to yourself you can easily say
like I'm setting a boundary like for example I'm not going to pay for your college X Y or
Z and you might be saying well I'm setting that financial boundary for myself and maybe you are
but maybe you're really just doing it because you're trying to control the other person
so think hard about this one are you trying to set it for yourself or are you really
setting a boundary for someone else but trying to disguise it as a healthy boundary for yourself?
That's the first thing you need to figure out if you're trying to set it to control someone else
you're kind of out of bounds and I'm going to suggest you rethink the situation
now the next question you have to thoroughly think through is what am I going to do when
blank happens? And this second one right here this is the key to actually how do you actually
set a boundary? For example let's go back to the one that we said you can't talk to
me that way see that's not really a boundary that's telling someone else what they can't do
you can say I'm not going to allow myself to be talked to that
right that's the boundary but in order to back that boundary up and keep that boundary
you have to decide what you're going to do maybe you're not going to answer the phone
calls maybe you're going to leave the situation maybe you're going to leave the relationship but
whatever happens it has to be an action that you are willing to take and that you are going to take
there is absolutely no sense in setting a boundary if you're not willing
to back up in fact you're doing more harm than good because you're just training the other person
that you aren't really going to back your boundaries up and that you're just all a
bunch of big talk and you don't really mean it and that's definitely the opposite of what you want
let's go back to the first one long list which was you have to be home by X o'clock right
a better way to set that boundary might be Hey the door's going to be locked
at X o'clock if so if you're coming home for the night make sure you're home by then
if not I'll assume that you're staying out for the evening
now you gotta be willing to back this up and this is a hard one this is actually
one that a lot of parents end up having to set so before you say it and before you
said it I want you to really really really think this through can you back this up?
If your kid comes home after the designated time and they're ringing the doorbell and
they're ringing them on the doorbell and they're yelling or screaming or bagging
are you really going to be able to stick with what you said before you say it?
Make sure you're ready and willing and capable of doing what you say you're
going to do otherwise you're breaking your own boundaries how about this one? You can't
use drugs in this house I hear this one a lot and I understand why you're saying that
but again it's not very enforcible when you say you can't use drugs in this house
you can say something like if I find drugs in this house here's what I'm going to do
maybe you're gonna throw away maybe you're going to confront them about it but whatever
it is that you're going to do that's the boundary the boundary isn't you can't use
drugs in this house the boundary is if I find drugs in this house here's what I'm going to do
now I gave you those examples about how to set a boundary on that but I want you to think long and
hard before you set that boundary are you really really really ready and prepared to do that?
Is it what you want to do? Is it the most effective thing to do? So make sure you think
those things through before you set this boundary back to that financial boundary
the one where we said you're going to have to pay your part of X Y or Z the way you set
that is I am going to be responsible for I am going to pay for X Y or Z and that's it
and not going to pay more than that I'm not going to pay your child support for
you I'm not going to pay your electric bill I'm not going to pay you rent again
make sure you're prepared to totally back this you can't tell someone else
what they are and aren't going to pay you can say what you will and won't pay
here's another boundary how about this one? I hear it a lot you have to go to rehab again not
very enforceable right? A better way to think about that might be Hey I'm not comfortable
living with you until I feel really really solid that you're working in a
good recovery program and that you are solidly working in the right direction
that's a better way of saying it I remember that one on the list about
you have to be sober when you're with the kids let's figure out how to reword that one
a little bit more effectively now if you're watching this video and you are the one who
has struggled with an addiction you might be thinking well these don't apply to me
I want you to just hang on because I'm going to come back and give you some examples
of how it might work on your side of the fence so back to our example about
you have to be sober when you're with you know you're kind of in
the right ballpark with boundaries when you're starting these with I and not you
so you might can say something like if I feel like you're intoxicated I'm not going
to leave the kids with you if I feel like you've been using or drinking I'm not going to allow
the kids in the car with you those are boundaries that you can set on your side
of the fence that you can then control because it's about you and not about them
now I know I promised I would get over to the other side of the street which is
what about people who have addictions needing to set boundaries with their families?
Yes that is actually an issue in fact it's actually a really big issue
because when you have addiction in a family system
everybody starts breaking boundaries not just the person with the substance abuse problem
the family starts breaking all kinds of boundaries too
and the person struggling with substance abuse problem gets just as frustrated
about those boundaries violations but here's a really big piece of hard truth most of the
time if you're the person with substance use problems you don't have much leverage
you don't have nearly as much leverage as the other person has that's not all the
time but most of the time so it's a little harder for you to set the boundaries cause
a boundary you might want to set it might be something you can't tell me
how to work my recovery program which is a totally understandable justified feeling
right I want to be in charge of how I work my own recovery I think that's a pretty common
thought and feeling don't you? The question is is can you set a boundary around that
yes actually you can you can say I am going to work the recovery program that I think
is best but you have to be ready and willing to back that up
and that might mean to do it your way you can't live in somebody's
house or you can't have this privilege or that privilege and you've got to be
ready and willing to accept that unfortunately a lot of times the person with substance use
problems is kind of at the mercy of the other person now what's not okay
is to try to demand and manipulate and throw a fit or Gaslight or start arguments
in an effort to get your way and maybe you feel like that's only fair and justified I'm
not even arguing with you maybe it is but it's not okay to get your way through those tactics
if you have a family member or a loved one a friend or someone who's crossing your boundary
it's your responsibility to get enough in control of your life so that you can actually enforce your
boundaries which to be completely honest usually means you have to have some level of independence
you have to be able to have your own place or make your own money as crappy as it may be it's just
another one of those crappy crappy things about addiction is that a lot of times it puts you in
a bad financial position it makes you very reliant on someone else which is just another really good
reason and motivator to conquer that addiction because you don't want to be controlled anymore
you don't want to be controlled by your family you don't want to be controlled by an addiction
you want to be back in the driver's I know if you're watching this video is probably really
honestly because you want someone else to change a particular behavior and maybe you've
been trying to do that through this boundary setting but you haven't been doing it correctly
if you really trying to get someone else's behavior or thought process to change you might
need to go about that a little bit differently you can't do that by telling them what they are
aren't going to do and it's not so great to give ultimatums or threats
but there is a way to influence someone in a good direction
in fact I'm going to put a link in the description below so you can get access to my persuasion
masterclass that's a much more effective way to help lead someone else's behavior in the right
direction now up next I want you to watch this video because it's about boundaries
that you should always always always keep like these are the lines in the sand that
should be there for you no matter who you are or what the situation
these are like the no go zones and put it right up here so you can watch it now