[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> Greg: [LAUGHS]
I SPIT ON MYSELF!
HAPPY SOMETIME IN NOVEMBER, YOU
FREAKS!
WHAT A SHOW WE’VE GOT FOR YOU.
MIKE ROWE IS HERE IN THE HOUSE!
IS THE FIRST GUEST WE HAD TO
HOSE DOWN BEFORE THE SHOW.
>> IT WAS NICE.
>> Greg: HE’S DONE SOME OF THE
DIRTIEST JOBS ON THE PLANET BUT
HE SAID BEING KAT’S HOUSEKEEPER
WAS BY FAR THE WORST.
KAT, SHE BASE JEWEL PODS TO EAT
FROM EATING TIDE PODS.
AND THEN OF COURSE THERE’S
KELLYANNE CONWAY!
SHE IS THE REASON JIM ACOSTA
BECAME A BED WETTER.
WE WILL GET TO TYRUS LATER.
SO LAST SATURDAY I DID A LIVE
SHOW IN BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA.
IT WAS A GREAT TIME HAD BY ALL,
ESPECIALLY ME.
WHOEVER SENT THE THREE LITTLE
PEOPLE STRIPPERS TO MY TRAILER
AFTER THE SHOW, IT WAS GREATLY
APPRECIATED.
IT’S AMAZING WHAT THEY CAN GET
UP TO WHEN YOU STACK THEM.
LIKE A SLEEVE OF RITZ CRACKERS.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: THAT’S THE THING
ABOUT DOING HIS LIVE SHOWS,
PEOPLE GIVE ME THINGS, AND NOT
JUST COLD SORES.
THEY GIVE ME STUFF UNICORNS,
HOME BAKED BROWNIES, A SKETCH OF
ME HALF NAKED LYING ON A
BEARSKIN RUG.
AND THAT FROM PETE HEGSETH.
I REMEMBER POSING FOR THAT
SKETCH, HE IN THE ROLE OF JACK
AND ME AS ROSEN TITANIC.
I SHOULD STOP, BUT MY POINT IS I
GET A LOT OF STUFF HANDED TO ME
AND IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOK AT
EVERYTHING.
USUALLY I LEAVE SOME THINGS
BEHIND HIM A EXCEPT THE ONES I
CAN SMUGGLE ONTO THE PLANE AND
THEN GENTLY REMOVE IN THE
BATHROOM.
BUT SATURDAY, A GENTLEMAN HANDED
ME AN ENVELOPE STUFFED WITH
PAPER.
IT IS SOMETHING I WOULD NORMALLY
HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE OPEN, THE
LAST THING I NEED IS ANOTHER
MARRIAGE PROPOSAL FROM SOME
STRANGER.
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS GUY?
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
HE CAME AND WENT LIKE A JETS
HEAD COACH.
I KNOW, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.
BUT GUYS, REMEMBER, IF YOU’RE
GOING TO PROPOSE, YOU’VE GOT TO
PUT A RING ON IT AND I DON’T
MEAN MY FINGER.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SORRY, KELLYANNE BUT I DECIDED
TO OPEN THE ENVELOPE AND LO AND
BEHOLD IT WASN’T A DEATH THREAT
OR SOME MYSTERIOUS WHITE POWDER.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, KAT.
IT WAS A LETTER FROM JIM BURNS,
FORMERLY IN CHARGE OF SOLUTION
ARCHITECTURE OF MICROSOFT.
ESSENTIALLY HIS JOB WAS TO COME
UP WITH SOLUTIONS FOR PROBLEMS.
IT’S A WEIRD JOB BECAUSE WANT TO
COME UP WITH A SOLUTION, YOU’RE
OUT OF A JOB.
IT’S WHY DEMOCRATS WILL WORK
FOREVER.
BUT HE SENT ME AN IDEA THAT
SMACKED ME IN THE FACE HARDER
THAN MOHIT AND CURLY.
IT’S CALLED THE MLK DREAM SCORE,
WHICH WOULD GRADE POLITICAL
CANDIDATES BASED ON THEIR
ADHERENCE TO
MARTIN LUTHER KING’S "I HAVE A
DREAM" SPEECH.
HOW SIMPLE IS THIS?
IT’S A SIMPLE AS ERIC SWALWELL.
HE IS SIMPLE, AND IT WOULD BE
EASIER TO IMPLEMENT THAN MY SHOE
LIST, BUT IT TACKLED THE GULF
BETWEEN PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO HAVE
YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART BUT
THEN SCREW YOU LIKE A [BLEEP]
WEATHERMAN.
OF IT DESCRIBES EVERY LEFT-WING
LEADER IN THE LAST TWO DECADES.
AS HE POINTS OUT, THERE’S NO
QUICK AND ACCURATE WAY TO ASSESS
A CANDIDATE’S SUITABILITY FOR
BLACKS, BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN
HOODWINKED INTO VOTING FOR
DEMOCRATS, WHO SPOUT PRINCIPLES
THAT SOUND GOOD BUT THEN ENACT
POLICIES COMPLETELY CONTRARY TO
MLK’S VISION.
IT’S POLITICS IN A LEFT-WING
NUTSHELL.
PEOPLE WEIGH THE ELOQUENT OF
SPEECHES MUCH MORE HEAVILY THAN
THEIR ACTIONS.
THIS IS WHY OBAMA WAS SO
POPULAR.
HE NAILED IT ON CHARISMA BUT HIS
POLICIES DID LESS FOR BLACKS
THAN THE CASTING DIRECTOR FOR
"FRIENDS."
CAN YOU THINK ABOUT ONE?
YOU CAN’T, GET YOU.
AISHA TAYLOR, TYLER MAY BE.
YOU CAN SAY THAT FROM EVERYONE,
FROM JESSE JACKSON TO
"THE SQUAD."
COMPARE THAT TO TRUMP, WHO, TO
BE HONEST, HIS DELIVERY WASN’T
ALWAYS GREAT AT TIMES BUT EVEN
WHEN TRUMP WAS THAT ELOQUENT AS
RASPUTIN WITHOUT THE SEX APPEAL,
HIS POLICIES WERE MORE HELPFUL
TO BLACKS THEN ANY MODERN ERA
PRESIDENT.
IN ONE BREATH YOU MIGHT CALL THE
NFL NEO-E.R.ES -- BUT IN THE
NEXT CREEPY LOIS ON EMPLOYMENT
FOR BLACKS IN MODERN HISTORY.
IT GOES BACK TO WORDS VERSUS
DEEDS.
TRUMP ALWAYS NAILED THE DEEDS
BUT GAVE FODDER TO HIS CRITICS
WITH THE WORDS.
IT WAS HARDER FOR HIM TO RESIST
MEDIA BAIT AND BRIAN STELTER IS
WITH A TWINKIE CASSEROLE.
THE MLK DREAM SCORE SOLVED THIS
PROBLEM BY SCORING CANDIDATES
USING THE PRINCIPLES EMBODIED IN
THE MLK SPEECH AND IT’S EASY,
YOU CREATE A WEBSITE WHICH HAS
THE ACTUAL SPEECH AND A
SCORECARD WITH A SELECTABLE MAP
OF THE COUNTRY.
YOU CAN VISIT YOUR STATE, FIND
YOUR CANDIDATE AND THEIR DREAM
SCORE.
IT’S LIKE A FANTASY FOOTBALL
LEAGUE FOR POLITICIANS.
IF IT’S HIGH IT WOULD SHOW HAPPY
MLK, IF IT’S LOW, IT WOULD BE
ANGRY.
AT ALL CANDIDATES WOULD BE
TREATED THE SAME, REGARDLESS OF
RACE.
IN OTHER WORDS, THEY WOULD BE
JUDGED ON THE CONTENT OF THEIR
POLICIES, NOT THE COLOR OF THEIR
SKIN.
SURE, CHARISMA MIGHT COUNT FOR
SOMETHING, BUT NOT A LOT.
AFTER ALL, THIS IS ABOUT FINDING
A GREAT LEADER, NOT THE NEXT
"AMERICAN IDOL."
SO OBAMA WOULD GET A LOW SCORE
BECAUSE ALTHOUGH HE WAS COOL,
HIS POLICIES LEFT BLACKS COLD.
BIDEN WOULD GET -- SCORED 0 FOR
EXCUSING PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AT
PROTESTS, CREATING PARLORS
STATION BY BRINGING PEOPLE AS
RACIST, AND HAVING NO INTEREST
IN A "BEAUTIFUL SYMPHONY OF
BROTHERHOOD."
BUT WINSTON -- HER WORDS ARE
CONSISTENT WITH MLK’S SPEECH
ABOUT PRINCIPLES AND CHARACTER.
DEEDS ARE WEIGHTED VERSUS WORDS
AND IT’S A GREAT WAY TO GAUGE A
LEADER.
IT WOULD LITERALLY GET RID OF
EVERY LIBERAL MAYOR IN DAYS IF
NOT SECONDS.
I WONDER WHAT THE ANGRY BLACK
MALE THINGS.
♪ ♪
>> IT’S, FELLAS, YOU GUYS ARE
HERE TO PITCH ME ABOUT RACIAL
DIVISIONS COUNTRY.
I’M ALL EARS, WHAT YOU GOT?
>> THANKS FOR HAVING US, TYRUS.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE AT WHITE AND WHITE
ASSOCIATES WEEK FOCUS GROUP
ANXIOUS CAUCASIANS TO HELP
PEOPLE OF COLOR LIKE YOU.
>> LIKE ME?
>> I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE I WAS
SEEING YOU PEOPLE.
>> BECAUSE YOU DID.
>> I THINK YOU’LL STILL LIKE
SOME OF THE IDEAS THAT WE HAVE
BURIED >> PERMANENT DAYLIGHT
SAVINGS FOR BLACK PEOPLE BECAUSE
WE ARE ALWAYS IN OUR LATE?
THIS IS NOTHING BUT STUPID
STEREOTYPES, TO CLIENTS OF
ANYTHING ELSE TO DO EXCEPT WASTE
MY TIME?
>> WHAT IF SOMEONE HAD A DREAM?
>> GO ON.
>> WHERE PEOPLE WEREN’T JUDGED
BY STEREOTYPES AND RACE, INSTEAD
ON THE CONTENT OF THEIR
CHARACTER.
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
LET ME LOOK AT THIS LIST AGAIN.
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS ONE.
♪ ♪
>> Greg: SO THIS IS THE FIRST
TIME I’VE EVER DONE A MONOLOGUE
BASED ON SOMETHING A BAND GAVE
ME OTHER THAN A FAKE PHONE
NUMBER, BUT IT SHOWS WHO WERE
GREAT IDEAS COME FROM, THEY COME
FROM YOU.
WHEN YOU SIT DOWN AND YOU THINK
HARD, YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED
WHAT COMES OUT OF YOU,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU DO YOUR BEST
THINKING ON THE TOILET.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: I COULDN’T STOP!
I HAD TO END ON A POOP JOKE!
ALWAYS END ON A POOP JOKE!
WHAT’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S GUESTS.
SHE GREW UP WORKING ON A BURIED
FARM AND TONIGHT SHE’S WORKING
WITH SOME NUTS, WARMER SENIOR
COUNSELOR TO PRESIDENT TRUMP,
KELLYANNE CONWAY!
NONE OF HIS DIRTY JOBS PREPARED
HIM FOR TONIGHT.
A HOST OF HOW AMERICA WORKS ON
FOX NATION, MIKE ROWE!
SHE’S LIKE GLITTER, BRIGHT, FUN,
AND THE POSSIBLE TO GET WIDOWS,
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF!
AND THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND
HIM LITERALLY!
NWA WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION,
TYRUS!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
KELLYANNE CONWAY I APOLOGIZE FOR
ENDING THAT MONOLOGUE ON A POOP
JOKE.
I HOPE I DID NOT OFFEND YOU.
>> IT’S HARD TO OFFEND ME.
I HAVE REALLY [INDISCERNIBLE].
>> Greg: WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS
IDEA?
IT’S VERY SIMPLE.
>> I LOVE IT.
I LOVE IT BECAUSE THAT WAS THE
MESSAGE OF MARTIN LUTHER KING
AND YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT DEEDS
VERSUS WORDS.
I LOOKED IN AND ADMINISTRATION,
THE TRUMP PENSIVE ADMINISTRATION
WHERE MILLIONS GOT OFF WELFARE,
MILLIONS GOT FOOD STAMPS, THE
LOWEST ON APPOINTMENT RATE FOR
AFRICAN-AMERICANS,
ASIAN-AMERICANS,
HISPANIC-AMERICANS, WOMEN WERE
IN THE WORKFORCE, AND AS THE
KIDS WERE FORCED OUT OF SCHOOL
THE WAY THEIR MOMS WERE FORCED
OUT OF THE WORKFORCE WE ARE
STILL RECKONING WITHOUT TO SAY
NOTHING OF ALL THE WOKE IS JOE,
WOKE IS BROKE OUT THERE BUT I
LIKE IT, AND I THINK HE WOULD
GIVE BIDEN-HERE IS A BIG ZERO.
I THINK WHAT YOU DESCRIBE IS
EXACTLY WHY HE’S AT 38% APPROVAL
AND SHE’S AT 28% APPROVAL
BECAUSE PEOPLE SAID YOU DIDN’T
MAKE GOOD ON ANY PROMISE, YOU
DIDN’T UNIFY THE COUNTRY, YOU
DON’T CARE ABOUT BIPARTISAN
ACTION, YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT
PEOPLE AND YOUR POLICIES ARE
WRONGHEADED.
>> Greg: BUT THANK GOD THEY
GOT RID OF THOSE MEAN TWEETS.
YOU’VE GOT HIGH INFLATION, BUT
THOSE TWEETS ARE GONE, THANK
GOD, MIKE!
THOSE TWEETS WERE DRIVING ME
CRAZY, KEEPING ME UP ALL NIGHT
ASIDE FROM THINKING ABOUT YOU.
IF MY DELICIOUS LITTLE BLUE
KING KING.
>> CANADIAN TUXEDO.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: THAT’S NOT TRUE, THEY
DON’T HAVE TUXEDOS.
>> THANK YOU FOR THAT JOKE.
THAT MEANS MY ENTIRE CAREER,
SEASON ONE OF DIRTY JOBS WAS
LITERALLY FECES FROM EVERY
SPECIES.
THAT’S HOW THE NETWORK SLUGGED
IT AND THAT’S ALL WE DID SO IT’S
NICE TO BE HOME.
>> Greg: PEOPLE, THEY GOT TO
GET OVER IT, THEY GOT TO GET
OVER IT, IT’S PART OF LIFE.
IT IS SUCH A GREAT RESTAURANT,
BUT I’LL STOP.
WHAT YOU MAKE OF THIS IDEA?
YOU ALWAYS HAVE GOOD IDEAS ABOUT
HOW TO FIX THINGS.
>> NO I DON’T, ACTUALLY.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
THE GREAT IDEA IS THAT YOU’RE
LISTENING TO YOUR FANS, AND
EVERYTHING -- WELL, WE DID 300
DIRTY JOBS AND I WOULD SAY 280
OF THEM WERE FAN SUGGESTIONS, SO
ALL THE IDEAS CAME IN FROM THEM,
SO THAT’S REALLY GREAT.
I LOVE THE DREAM SCORE.
IF WE WANT TO COLOR-BLIND
SOCIETY, I DON’T REALLY KNOW
WHAT TO SAY ABOUT POLICIES THAT
REVOLVE ENTIRELY AROUND COLOR.
HOW DO YOU GET AWAY FROM IT?
AT SOME POINT, YOU KNOW, THERE’S
THE WHOLE LEVELING OF THE
PLAYING FIELD THING, I GET IT,
BUT THE MAN TALKED ABOUT A
COLOR-BLIND FUTURE.
IF WE’RE EVER GOING TO GET
THERE -- I’VE GOT THIS THING
CALLED A SWEAT PLEDGE IN MY
FOUNDATION AND PEOPLE HAVE TO
SIGN IT.
IT’S KIND OF AN OLD THROWBACK TO
THE BOY SCOUTS BUT IT’S 12
SIMPLE STATEMENTS OF BELIEF,
THINGS LIKE PERSONAL
RESPONSIBILITY, DELAYED
GRATIFICATION AND SO FORTH, IT
HAS BEEN DEEMED RECENTLY AS
ALL RIGHT.
>> Greg: OF COURSE!
>> AND THE QUESTIONS THAT COME
NOW EVERY YEAR -- WE’VE GIVEN
AWAY MAY BE 1400 THESE WORK
ETHIC SCHOLARSHIPS BUT EVERY
YEAR NOW MORE AND MORE, HOW MANY
WOMEN, HOW MAY PEOPLE OF COLOR?
AND BECAUSE IT’S A FOUNDATION
AND NOT A COMPANY, I CAN SAY
QUITE CANDIDLY, WHO CARES?
I DON’T KNOW, WE ARE TRYING TO
GAUGE FOR WORK ETHIC AND FROM
WHAT I’VE SEEN, NO GENDER OR
RACE HAS A CORNER ON THAT.
IF AND SO HILARITY ENSUES THINGS
GET VERY SPORTY ONLINE AND WE
HAVE THIS CONVERSATION, BUT IT
ALWAYS COMES BACK TO THIS EXACT
THING.
IF YOU WANT A COLOR-BLIND
FUTURE, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE
YOU DOING WITH A COLOR OBSESSED
PRESIDENT?
>> Greg: THERE YOU GO, THAT’S
IT.
>> THAT WASN’T BAD.
>> YOUR THEORY, OR HIS THEORY,
IS BRILLIANT, BUT IT’S
PROBLEMATIC.
>> Greg: GOOD WORD! [TACKLES]
>> IT GOES AGAINST THE ENTIRE
FOUNDATION OF WHAT THE DEMOCRAT
PARTY IS ABOUT BECAUSE ANYTIME A
BROTHER BECOMES SUCCESSFUL AND A
FREETHINKER, THEY TAKE OUR BLACK
CARDS AWAY, THEY CAN’T GET MINE.
GOOD LUCK TRYING, BUT THEY LOVE
AS SOON AS YOU BECOME
SUCCESSFUL, I MAKE SO MUCH A
YEAR, I DON’T LIKE THIS TAX
BRACKET, I’M GOING TO LOOK AT
THIS -- HEY, I’M A REPUBLICAN.
OH, YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN?
YOUR BLACKNESS IS GONE AND YOUR
NEW NICKNAME IS UNCLE TOM.
BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SUCCEED UNDER
THEIR PLAN.
YOU NEED US.
WE HAVE TO TREAT YOU LIKE
CHILDREN, AND BAIT YOU AND TELL
YOU WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS AND
THIS AND THEN WHEN YOU CAN’T
SUCCEED IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT, I
MEAN, YOU ARE BLACK, DID YOU
HAVE A FATHER?
THE ANSWER -- YOU LAUGH, BUT
THAT -- THEY SAY THAT WITH A
STRAIGHT FACE, BUT DON’T WORRY,
WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU ONE
WELFARE WE WILL GET YOU SOME
KIND OF OTHER THINGS YOU CAN --
A VOUCHER SO YOU CAN GET ON THE
BUS.
>> Greg: KAT HAVE YOU EVER
USED ANYTHING FROM A VIEWER OR A
FAN?
>> THEY’RE MOSTLY PRISON LETTERS
AND THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE
PICTURES SO I CAN EVEN TELL IF
THEY ARE HOT PRISONERS OR NOT.
>> YEARS AGO, BEFORE YOU WERE
MARRIED.
>> RIGHT...
ALSO NEVER BEFORE I WAS MARRIED.
NEVER.
>> Greg: THEY ARE IN PRISON
NOW.
>> I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED
DURING HER MONOLOGUE THOUGH
BECAUSE YOU MENTIONED THE HAPPY
AND SAD MLK, I STARTED THINKING
LIKE WHAT IF WE RATED OTHER
THINGS LIKE THAT, LIKE THE
YELP -- LIKE THOSE SIGNS OF THE
DOCTOR, RATE YOUR PAIN,
DIFFERENT MLK FACES.
BUT I’M JUST SAYING MY BRAIN
WENT THERE, SHOULD I NOT BE
SEYMORE MY BRAIN GOES?
HAS THAT BEEN MY PROBLEM FOR ALL
THESE YEARS?
BUT FOR ME, I JUST THINK THAT --
GOVERNMENT IN GENERAL, I WANT TO
EVER IS GOING LESS.
THE DEEDS, AS LONG AS THE DEEDS
ARE UNDOING OTHER DEEDS, THOSE
ARE MY FAVORITE DEEDS.
>> Greg: YES, THE DEEDS THAT
SUBTRACT OTHER DEEDS.
>> THERE’S TOO MANY RULES.
>> Greg: DIRTY DEEDS DONE DIRT
CHEAP.
>> AC/DC.
>> Greg: THERE YOU GO.
NOT BLACK AND BLACK, WHAT’S IT
FUN, WHICH ALBUM?
>> FIRST ONE, WASN’T IT?
>> Greg: I THINK IF THE
SECOND.
I DON’T KNOW.
>> I WAS TRYING TO GO WITH YOUR
THEME.
>> Greg: YOU ARE BACK IN
BLACK.
>> CAN I SAY ONE THING, THING?
THEY HAD ABOUT TWO DOZEN
DEMOCRATS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT,
THEY HAD A BLACK MAN, BLACK
WOMAN, HISPANIC-AMERICAN,
SIMONE, THAT WAS TULSI GABBARD,
NOT ELIZABETH WARREN.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT HAD THE FIRST OPENLY GAY
CANDIDATE, A MALE SOCIALIST,
FEMALE ASSOCIATE, YOU KNOW WHO
THEY ENDED UP WITH?
>> I KNOW!
>> PLEASE.
OLD WHITE GUY, THANK YOU!
THAT IS THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IN
A NUTSHELL.
>> Greg: ONE OPENLY GAY MAN