YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WE FOCUS SO MUCH ON REFINING THE ORE THAT IS
THE BIG NEWS OF THE DAY.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO RAKE THROUGH THE SMALLER SHARDS OF
NEWS THAT COLLECT IN THE SLAG HEAP THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
♪ MEANWHILE ♪
NOTHING LIKE A FRIDAY "MEANWHILE."
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE.
IT'S A CRAZE.
MEANWHILE, BREXIT CONTINUES TO CAUSE TURMOIL IN THE U.K., BUT
DON'T WORRY.
ENGLAND HAS A PLAN TO EVACUATE THE QUEEN IF BREXIT GOES BAD.
OH, PLEASE.
I THINK SHE CAN HANDLE A LITTLE BREXIT.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, SHE HAD FOUR KIDS BEFORE EPIDURALS EXISTED
AND WAS AN AMBULANCE MECHANIC IN LONDON DURING THE BLITZ.
HITLER WAS PERSONALLY TRYING TO KILL HER, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH,
ADOLF, I BELIEVE YOU DROPPED THIS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OBVIOUSLY, I'M PARAPHRASING, JON.
ALSO, SHE LIVES IN A CASTLE WITH 800 ROOMS.
THE BEST WAY TO HIDE HER IS JUST LEAVE HER IN THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
SHOULD FLEE IS BECAUSE OF HOW SWEET THEIR ESCAPE PLAN IS.
EVIDENTLY, THE ROYAL FAMILY'S EVACUATION PLAN ORIGINALLY
INVOLVED AN ESCAPE BY YACHT, PERHAPS WITH AN INITIAL CRUISE
AROUND THE NORTHERN SCOTTISH ISLANDS.
THAT'S NOT AN EVACUATION PLAN!
THAT'S A FAMILY VACATION!
"IF THINGS GO BADLY, EVERYONE WILL MEET ON THE YACHT.
ALSO, IF THINGS GO WELL, EVERYONE MEET ON THE YACHT.
IT'S REALLY LOVELY!" MEANWHILE, THEY'LL HAVE HELP ON
THAT YACHT BECAUSE TWO BRITISH ART HISTORIANS HAVE SET OUT TO
HELP SUPERBOAT OWNERS PRESERVE PAINTINGS HANGING ON THEIR
YACHTS.
OH, GOOD.
SO EVERY OTHER PROBLEM ON EARTH HAS BEEN SOLVED, EVIDENTALLY.
ACCORDING TO A PROFILE ON THE TWO, THEY STARTED THE BUSINESS
AFTER A BILLIONAIRE ASKED FOR HELP IN RESTORING A JEAN-MICHEL
BASQUIAT PAINTING RUINED FIRST BY HIS CHILDREN THROWING
CORNFLAKES AND THEN BY THE CREW WIPING THEM OFF CARELESSLY.
DON'T YOU HATE IT, JON, DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THE HELP
IMPROPERLY CLEANS THE ART?
"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU, MARIA, YOU DON'T WIPE GOGURT OFF
THE SEURAT, YOU DAB.
IT'S POINTILLISM.
( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE SKIES RECENTLY GOT A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY,
BECAUSE LAST MONTH DELTA GAVE OUT CREEPY NAPKINS THAT
ENCOURAGED PASSENGERS TO SHARE PHONE NUMBERS, WITH SAYINGS
LIKE, "WRITE DOWN YOUR NUMBER AND GIVE IT TO YOUR PLANE
CRUSH."
OH, YEAH, GOOD IDEA.
WE ALL KNOW PLANE TRAVEL THESE DAYS IS JUST A 24/7 SEX PARTY.
NOTHING LIKE THOSE THREE INCHES OF LEG SPACE TO GET YOU IN THE
MOOD.
"WHOA, EXCUSE ME, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU DROOLING
ONTO YOUR NECK PILLOW."
CAN I BUY YOU A PRETZEL?" THE NAPKINS ARE SPONSORED BY
COCA COLA AND FEATURE THE FLIRTY PROMPT, "BECAUSE YOU'RE ON A
PLANE FULL OF INTERESTING PEOPLE, AND, HEY, YOU NEVER
KNOW."
( LAUGHTER )
LAWSUIT JUST WAITING TO HAPPEN?
HEY, YOU BETTA BELIEVE IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE NAP KINS--
"HEY, WHAT'S UP?" THE NAPKINS EVEN DESCRIBED
HANDING A STRANGER YOUR UNWANTED PHONE NUMBER AS "A LITTLE OLD
SCHOOL."
IS THAT HOW DELTA AND COKE THINK "OLD SCHOOL" WORKS?
"THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
IT IS THROWBACK THURSDAY!
WHY NOT COMMIT A LITTLE AIRBORNE ADULTERY?
SEND YOUR PENIS PICS TO ECONOMY-PLUS!
THEY GOT THAT EXTRA LEG ROOM."
( LAUGHTER )
TO THE WORLD'S FIRST SAUSAGE-THEMED HOTEL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOR TURNDOWN SERVICE, THEY LEAVE A LITTLE SQUIRT OF MUSTARD ON
THE PILLOW.
THE PLACE WAS DESIGNED BY A FOURTH-GENERATION GERMAN BUTCHER
NAMED CLAUS BOEBEL, SEEN HERE WITH HIS ONLY FRIEND.
( LAUGHTER )
MEAT HAUS?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PET MY KNOCKWURST?"
( LAUGHTER )
COMMITMENT TO THE MEAT THEME, TAKE A LOOK AT THE WALL
DECORATIONS HE CHOSE.
AND IF THAT'S NOT HOSPITALITY...
THAT'S NOT HOSPITALITY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GLENN CLOSE.