Well, I appreciate you coming
and listening.
I don't take it for granted.
I like it.
I like listening.
People complain about listening,
which I don't get. They're like,
"the government is listening
"to everything that you do."
And I'm like, good.
I could use the followers.
(audience laughing)
Maybe I'll get some fans.
(audience laughing)
I try and not believe in conspiracy
theories, but I totally understand
where people that believe in them
are coming from.
I get it.
I'm also mentally ill.
(audience laughing)
I understand.
You think people are listening
to you and judging you silently
behind your back?
I have anxiety.
That's one of the symptoms.
(audience laughing)
I understand.
(audience laughing)
Conspiracy theories are always just
thinking the world is going to end.
It's just pessimism.
(audience laughing)
What's the alternative?
That people are good and things are
going to work out?
(audience laughing)
That's crazy.
(audience laughing)
Optimism is the ultimate
conspiracy theory.
(audience laughing)
Have you had someone tell you
the secret?
The more positive energy
you put out into the universe,
the more positive things you get back,
it's fake news.
(audience laughing)
It's not real.
But if someone's like,
you know there's
a group of Illuminati lizard people
ruining your life,
I'm like tell me more.
That makes sense.
(audience laughing)
Certainly, this can't all
be my fault.
(audience laughing)
I get it.
You want to hear what you want
to hear.
I went to two therapists
before I landed on the therapist
I go to now because
the first two were
not telling me what I wanted
to hear at all.
(audience laughing)
They didn't seem smart.
They're like,
"maybe you need to grow up.
"Maybe you need to let things go."
I don't like these mainstream
media lies.
(audience laughing)
Then the therapist I see now,
he's like, "I think this
"is your parents' fault."
I'm like, yeah, there we go.
(audience laughing)
That makes sense to me.
I had my suspicions for a while.
(audience laughing)
That's how you know you got
a good therapist.
They're just mad at your parents
for no reason.
You walk in there,
that's the first thing they ask you.
They're like, "let me guess.
"You got parents?"
(audience laughing)
How did you know?
(audience laughing)
I'm a doctor.
(audience laughing)
My therapist, he hates my dad.
He's never met him.
It's so funny.
(audience laughing)
I invited my therapist to a show,
and after the show,
he came up to me, and he's like,
"did your dad show up?"
I'm like, no.
He's like, "typical."
(audience laughing)
Typical dads.
(audience laughing)
He hates him.
(audience laughing)
And it took me a while to admit
something kind of vulnerable
to him, which is I'm a parent, too.
(audience laughing)
He just looked at me and like,
you traitorous piece of garbage.
(audience laughing)
I'm just trying not to mess
up my kid, though.
That's why I go to therapy.
I actually told my parents
what my therapist said.
I'm like, my therapist said you
messed me up, and they just went,
"oh, we knew that."
(audience laughing)
But they gave me
some good parenting advice.
They said this.
They said, look, we know we messed
you up.
We just love you, and when you care
about someone, you end up messing
them up a little bit.
But we did mess you up less than how
much our parents messed us up.
I'm like, "oh, OK,
"that makes me feel better.
"I didn't know the bar was so low."
(audience laughing)
That's the lowest possible bar
you can overcome just to be better
than your parents.
That's why whenever parents
become parents, they all of a sudden
start saying that thing where
they're like, you kids,
you have it good.
You have no idea how bad I had it.
Because the further back in time
you go, the worse the parents were.
(audience laughing)
That's why the evolution chart
looks like that.
(audience laughing)
It's just kids getting beat down
by their parents
the further back in time you go.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
This guy is like, you kids have it good.
My dad was a monkey.
(audience laughing)
You have no idea how bad I had it.
(audience laughing)
I think that's why we're kind of
messed up or feel messed up.
We still got some leftover
monkey in us.
I just feel like a monkey
all the time.
I'm just trying to suppress it.
Don't you?
(audience laughing)
You don't?
Part monkey.
Don't you have an itch in your butt
right now?
(audience laughing)
You're trying not to scratch it just
so you don't look like a monkey
in front of all these people.
(audience laughing)
But as soon as you're alone,
you're going to go full monkey.
(audience laughing)
It's always our impulse as monkey.
Whenever someone talks to me
too close,
and I can see inside their mouth,
and they're just like, Bitcoin,
Bitcoin, Bitcoin, I go,
I want to throw poop in your face.
Get away from me.
(audience laughing)
You don't do it.
You're better than your monkey
parents.
(audience laughing)