(dialogue from TV)
- How's it going with the online dating there?
- Man, it's interesting.
After about five seconds, you notice how everything on here
is so contrary to how women are portrayed in the media.
Everyone's just like, fuck it, I want sex every day,
I wanna see Pearl Jam in 30 countries,
and then I want a joint,
and here's a selfie of me on top of a fucking mountain.
I'm building a whole standup routine about it, actually.
"So I finally found a video game
with really well-rounded female characters,
it's called OkCupid or something."
- I took a selfie on top of a really fat guy once.
- And yeah, you know me,
I really wanna write shit that says something about
what it's like to actually be a person,
and, yeah, I'm learning a lot from these women.
They're never what you think.
- You mean we're never what you think?
Holy shit, please tell me you haven't thought I was a guy
with a high voice this whole time.
- Sorry, I know.
I just think of you as you, you know?
- No, and that's cool.
I don't like to play the vag card,
but I know you think research and empathy
is the key to understanding others
but people don't always tell you everything, right?
There's shit I don't even tell you,
so I know for sure there's shit women
in general aren't mentioning alongside
their top ten list of dad-rock bands.
I know you stare pretty hard,
but there's still shit you don't see.
- Example?
- Fuck, have you ever messaged a chick on there and not heard back?
- [Ted] Yeah, I keep writing these, like,
genuinely smart and funny messages,
but then nothing, usually.
I know life isn't fair but still, come on.
- Yeah, but you haven't seen
the other side there, have you?
(people chattering)
(playful music)
Like, of the two of us,
you're the raging feminist for whatever reason,
so you should probably get up to speed
on how there's the chicks you see
and there's the chicks you don't
who are on the other end of all that shit
that people do to chicks when nobody can see.
- I see. (knocks at door)
What don't I see though?
- Okay, you know when you see female friends on social media
and they don't use their actual name?
And half the time it's innocuous so you never really know,
but then a fucking bunch of the girls
I went to high school with have Facebook names
like "Mary Fakestein" and "Sue Doenym"
because they all fucking have a violently abusive ex
they're trying to not be found by.
The guy that everyone thinks is great
because he only savagely beats you behind closed doors.
It's a thing.
- Yeah, wow.
And then you take the guy to trial but nobody believes you
because you didn't behave in the way
they think they would behave if it happened to them.
- Yeah, that whole thing.
Don't rely on your imagination, is what I'm saying.
It's not that good.
Like how you think I don't get street harassed
because it never happens when you're with me.
- What? You don't though...
Do you?
- How can I explain street harassment
to someone who literally still watches cartoons
on Saturday morning?
I guess it's like--
(playful music)
♪ Hello my baby, hello my honey ♪
♪ Hello my ragtime gal ♪
♪ Send me a kiss by wire ♪
♪ Baby my heart's on fire ♪
♪ If you abuse me, honey you'll lose me ♪
♪ And you'll be all alone, oh baby ♪
♪ Telephone and tell me I'm your own ♪
(burps loudly)
- Shit, sorry, that's enraging.
Fuck, I always specifically hated that cartoon frog too.
- They're out there.
One day there'll be sex robots
but right now we have to deal with all the guys
who wish there were sex robots.
The shit you don't see, Ted.
- I know about some of the shit.
I know that when it seems like a girl is flirting with me
it's often just her being nice to try
and defuse the situation because I look like a murderer.
- Or when you enthusiastically pretend
to be someone's partner to ward off unwanted attention.
- Because I imagine shit probably
all looks totally different when you're, you know,
not as strong physically.
- Dude, I've dated guys that could hold me down
with one hand like it was fucking nothing.
Someone corners you and you need
to fucking nice your way out of it.
- Yeah, for me, the only reason I'd flirt with someone
is if I was specifically interested,
whereas on the other side of that power dynamic,
yeah, there are probably a whole lot of other reasons.
- That's why you need to be mad at the assholes,
because they ruined it for everyone.
- I already am mad at assholes.
I at least got the memo that sexism is everyone's problem.
If you're defining yourself by how you're different
from a stereotypical image of women,
then you're boxing yourself in just as much.
Like the way we make ourselves dumber
by fetishizing certain types of intelligence over others.
- How do you mean?
- Let's see, how can I explain this
to someone who literally watches 19 hours of TV a day?
- And we're back.
Susan, you have the board.
- Tacit social understanding for 1600 please.
- [Host] Chances are your unhappy friend just wants this,
instead of this.
- What is for you to just listen,
instead of listing solutions?
- [Host] Yes!
- For 2000 please.
- The 'C-word' is best described in this manner.
- What is having different connotations to different people
so you shouldn't just use it casually?
- [Host] Yes, Betty's board now.
- Midwifery for 2000 please.
- [Host] In human beings, this can often shorten
the duration of labor before giving birth.
- What is exercise?
- Yes! (audience applauding)
Well, it's been a two-horse race here
as we enter our final round, but remember, contestants,
this last question is worth $175 million.
The category is, Things That Arnold Arbitrarily Values,
and the answer is, these are two things that Arnold--
- What are economics and sports cars?
Whoo! (bell dings)
Man, you guys don't know anything.
- Yeah, whatever guys are doing is glorified by default,
I got that memo.
Oh, why aren't more women founding tech startups?
Because I have better things to do, maybe?
Why aren't more men not sending me
threats of violence on Instagram?
Direct messages, of course, so no one can see.
- Yeah.
Fuck, I would just be mad all the time,
knowing that so many people have to privately put up
with all kinds of sinister shit,
how do you deal with that?
- I don't know.
It's not like it defines you, Ted.
People don't want your fucking pity
or for you to be some Protector Man,
they just want you to not be a piece of shit.
They want you to not spontaneously start choking people
during sex after a perfectly nice evening.
And yes, that's a thing.
Put that in your comedy routine.
What's the deal with how literally,
anyone you date can suddenly turn out to be a sociopath?
- But how do you not just constantly walk on eggshells?
- Because you don't?
Plus, I think a lot of times
when the whole floor is eggshells,
you really just stop giving a shit.
- Hey, New Girl, how'd you lose your finger?
- Oh, my ex-husband pinned me to the kitchen table
and cut it off with a pair of garden shears
because I ordered the wrong kind of pizza for dinner.
They couldn't even reattach it.
- Hey, that reminds me, do you wanna hit up
that new pizza place next door later?
- Totally, fucking starving.
- You are who you are in spite of,
not because of, you know?
You think you'd be mad all the time because you haven't been
seeing people's hidden strength either.
- Ah, touche.
- Or their hidden antidepressants too, probably.
How have you never been to a strip club by the way?
- I don't know, something about having
to objectify people in person?
- But I know you love the ladies
of a certain stature there, Mr. Feminism.
Mr. fucking giant-boobs-loving feminism, somehow.
- Well, you don't know what it's like
to be attracted to giant boobs.
- Ah, touche.
- Why are you not a feminist by the way?
- I don't know.
I'm not not a feminist.
I just don't like being told what to do.
If I wanna get hammered in strip clubs,
go home with whoever, and fucking spend the night
getting turned into a sperm geode,
then I don't need anyone telling me I'm a traitor for doing it.
I fucking have enough problems.
- Yeah, and this might literally be mansplaining feminism,
but the first rule of Feminism Club
is that there's no singular definition.
For me it's not about telling people what to do,
it's just about making sure that everyone has the freedom
to choose what to do.
- That's just common sense though, is it not?
If that's even a thing anymore.
- Yeah, of course.
And maybe the first two rules of Feminism Club should be,
don't talk about it because it leads to misunderstandings,
but at the same time I feel like if you're not
in people's faces then it doesn't force the issue.
One of the most progressive characters on TV
was Elaine on Seinfeld, but nobody fucking noticed
because the show wasn't called,
Me And My Male Friends Who I'm Equal To.
It's all well and good to be ahead of your time,
but I think you can also bring people
with you as opposed to waiting for them to catch up.
- You can talk about Feminism Club, Ted,
just make sure you talk to people first.
Make sure you're not telling anyone how they feel.
I don't even fucking know how I feel half the time.
- Talk to crazy bitches who like metal?
- Talk to bitches who play metal,
where people will pull them aside and be like:
Wow, you're just as good as a guy. Also a thing.
And then imagine how that would feel.
- Yeah, and then imagine if, on top of that,
you have the temerity to not be white, or straight, or--
- Well, exactly.
Pretty sure I see a lot of feminists
who have just as narrow a definition of women
as the people they're opposing.
- Well, a lot of us don't, Martha, trust me.
- Honestly dude I'll always trust you,
that's kind of my point here.
(slow music)
- [Ted] I just always, I wonder what I can do, you know?
How do I be a good ally?
- [Martha] (sighs) Look, maybe it's just me
but I'm not trying to recruit allies.
You don't need to buy into the whole thing
where every dude thinks it's personally up to him
to go forth and save everyone.
You just need to listen, and be the kind of person
where people will tell you things to begin with.
I don't ever want you to look at me differently,
that's why I hesitate to talk about this shit,
and why there's stuff I might never tell you.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me,
I don't want you to treat me like a victim,
and I don't want you to think you're a bad person.
I just want you to realize that there's a lot
that people don't talk about,
so there's a lot you don't know.
So your picture of what it's like to be a person
is probably incomplete.
And I know that's not what you'd want.
Even if the world you get isn't what you'd imagined.