♪♪
-I said samurais last week. That is incorrect.
The plural of samurai
is samurai bricks.
[ Laughter ]
Men can also be gold diggers.
[ Coughs ] Prince Philip.
[ Laughter ]
I said a drug filled rampage.
The correct term is a drug fueled rampage.
A drug fueled rampage happens
when you fill yourself with drugs.
So...
I pronounce the name of the Greek mathematician
Archimedes.
That was his nickname.
His full name was Archibald Meads.
Speaking of that, I said, I'm coming to terms
with the fact that I've never said the word eureka,
and I probably never will.
Some of you saw that as me setting it up
for a future "Corrections,"
and I'd call it back and we'd all have a moment
because a callback is such an effective comedy technique.
However, a few of you,
few eagle eyed viewers noted that I actually have said eureka
in "Corrections" Episode 64. Take a look.
Shoemaker and I share a wall, if you're wondering.
That's why at 10:00 A.M. you heard me scream eureka.
So did I make a mistake when I said last week
that I have never said eureka?
I did not. What I did was this.
A lot of you have been complaining
about the YouTube playlist
and how it goes in reverse order.
So it plays the most recent one first
and then you're watching it backwards.
So what I did is a comedy technique called a call forward.
[ Laughter ]
It's when comedians are aware that their audience
are watching their jokes in reverse order.
What you will do is place something in the future
that they will then see in the past.
[ Laughter ]
I've been corrected multiple times for saying Frankenstein
instead of Frankenstein's monster.
This week I did say it correctly,
but I said it correctly as Donald Trump.
So then a bunch of you jumped in and said Donald Trump
would never know to make that distinction,
which has always been my point.
That has always been my point,
which just proves this is a mathematical theorem,
I guess you would say, called the Jackals Paradox,
in which there are two paths forward
and neither one makes you [bleep] happy.
[ Laughter ]
It is fair, I do think,
to make the observation that Trump, excuse me,
would never say Frankenstein's monster.
This is a man, remember, who called Apple CEO Tim Cook
Tim Apple.
Don't think he's going to get Frankenstein's monster right?
"I like I'd like to introduce a man who's doing incredible
work in the field of reanimation.
Victor Munster."
[ Laughter ]
I was told a female bear is not called a woman.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, Turf.
I did misspeak. A female bear is a sow.
And a male bear is a boar.
A male bear is called a boar
because they never stop talking about fishing.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, the salmon were really jumping today."
"I don't [bleep] care."
[ Laughter ]
I mentioned BDSM.
I was told that I had over emphasized the D.
Then I said, you know anyone who subjects themselves
to Correction every week, me, is into a little D,
corrected again.
Doing this every week is a combination of M,
I was told, for masochism
because I submit myself to this humiliation and S for sadism
because I make the crew stay for it.
[ Laughter ]
But you know what they say.
Can't have Seth Meyers with a little S&M.
Oh, actually, that's a proper name,
so they'd be capital S&M.
[ Groans ]
We had a herpes joke last week. A jackal sent it in.
We thought it was really good.
That's why I told it in last week's Correction.
A second jackal this week wrote, "That herpes joke
was so funny it should go viral."
So...
could be jackal joke of the week.
Monday's Closer Look, we said Trump isn't just the guy
who yells fire in a crowded theater.
He's the guy who lights the match,
pours the gasoline and screams
there's no point in leaving because I've already changed --
I chained the exits.
A lot of you pointed out when committing arson,
it's best to pour the gasoline and then light the match.
We had light the match and then pour the gasoline.
But again, is this another jackal's paradox?
Would Trump know that?
We talked about Flaco the Owl.
And kind of story we need right now,
and how people originally were worried
that Flaco would not be able to find food.
But then we pointed out, owls eat rats
and he lives in New York City, he's going to be fine.
Saying he would have trouble finding food
would be like saying a toddler would go hungry
in a chicken nugget factory.
You pointed out the nuggets in a chicken nugget factory
would be frozen and a kid wouldn't be able to eat them.
So thanks for pointing that out.
The hypothetical children in that joke would go hungry.
[ Laughter ]
Someone sent in I hate to be a downer, and let me tell you,
when a jackal starts it like that...
[ Laughter ]
...my butthole clenches right up.
[ Laughter ]
"I hate to be downer, but they should continue
efforts to capture Flaco.
Flaco was a large predator, and Central Park
is actually important habitat for migratory
and resident birds.
They could become prey for Flaco
or be negatively impacted by Flaco's presence.
When Flaco kills someone's unleashed small dog..."
Pt him on a leash.
"When Flaco kills someone's unleashed small dog,
what will people think?
It's not Flaco's fault, but Flaco shouldn't live
forever in the wild in New York.
He doesn't belong there."
In that case, Kenny,
I gave you the green light.
[ Laughter ]
Kenny's been walking around --
Kenny Cole's been walking around, "If it was me,
that owl would have been caught yesterday."
[ Laughter ]
Another jackal submission for Joke of the Week.
I said owls are smart because they're often drawn
with graduation caps.
Jacob wrote in and said, Pigeons are actually the smartest birds.
"Pigeons are actually the smartest birds
because some coo quietly but some will coo loudly."
I didn't write it, Baz.
[ Laughter ]
We talked about how we wanted to crowd source
with our jackal our Emmy submission.
And by the way, a lot of you said I don't have Twitter.
Just write it in the comments of the, you know,
the YouTube comments where you do all your other business.
66, Episode 66 seems to be a frontrunner.
It was our Christmas episode.
69, also very popular.
Shoemaker told me 69 was his favorite,
and then he winked so hard it cracked my contact lens.
[ Laughter ]
The spectacular. Some -- there were some confused.
The spectacular is not
and has never been an episode of Corrections.
If it's anything, it is,
and this is off the top of my head.
Outstanding Variety Special (Prerecorded).
I guess we mentioned bacteria.
Oh, yeah, it was about water bottles.
How many -- how much bacteria there is on
people's water bottles.
Somebody wrote, "Correction, bacteria gets a bad rap.
There's good bacteria and bad bacteria
insofar as impact on human health.
You know, yogurt, that thing that people think is so healthy?
What's healthy about it is the bacteria,
neutral bacteria exist, too."
So sounds like somebody's
restaurant got a bad health code rating.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, on "Frasier," I said the dog
who played Eddie was named Moose,
and after he died, he was replaced by his son Enzo.
And then I implied that the circumstances around his death
were suspicious, and Enzo, while ultimately cleared,
was always suspected of shenanigans.
I was wrong. The show ended in 2004.
Moose died in 2006,
so Moose was still alive when Enzo replaced him.
Moose could not continue with the show
because Enzo had put him
in a retirement home against his will.
[ Laughter ]
Also someone wrote, their exact words,
"Fun fact, Enzo died in 2010."
[ Laughter ]
We showed a clip in A Closer Look,
because the Closer Look, obviously,
is about the day's events.
We try to write it about everything that happened
over the course of the last 24 hours.
I think what makes it vital and important is the fact
that it is so connected to the day's news.
We showed a clip in the body of A Closer Look
of Major League Baseball's spring training in 2001,
in which Randy Johnson threw a pitch
that hit a bird which then exploded.
We had to. It's in the news.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, you know, and there was no way there was --
It was just an accident.
I'm not going to show the clip again,
but Randy Johnson threw 100 mile per hour fastball
right as a -- as a dove, it turned out,
was flying through.
The type of bird I was told was a mourning dove,
not M-O-R-N, M-O-U-R-N.
That was the name, A mourning dove.
So already mourning, flies through a baseball field,
gets exploded with a baseball.
It's like a hearse going off the side of a cliff.
[ Laughter ]
Also, you know, we showed it.
And much like even talking about it now,
it kind of chills the room, the story about
a dove getting exploded with a baseball.
And I said to the audience that night,
because it did the same then and they had to watch the clip,
I said, "If it makes it easier,
that bird would have died of old age by now."
I was told not necessarily.
[ Laughter ]
Some doves live to be 30 years old.
So how that happened -- not happened,
probably be happily in retirement right now.
Also, no one dies of old age.
I said dies of old age. "No one dies of old age.
I was told as you get older, you just get more
susceptible to illness.
Or in the case of Moose the Dog, foul play.
[ Laughter ]
Randy Johnson, Hall of Fame pitcher,
Randy Johnson, true story,
is a professional photographer now.
I am not making this up.
This very much will look like a thing I'm making up.
Someone pointed this out to me, I went to the website.
Randy Johnson is a professional photographer
and this is the logo of Randy Johnson photography.
[ Laughter ]
So we covered Moose, Enzo and the dove.
Randy Johnson exploded.
This has been Animal Deaths.
-Animal Deaths.
[ Laughter ]
-I mentioned last week that I threw away
all my Mac Tonight merchandise.
Well, it reappeared on my desk
with a note from building maintenance,
saying it was scaring the other garbage.
[ Laughter ]
So we're back. By the way, some people like this stuff.
When I'm walking down,
I could tell they're jealous because,
you know, I usually have it on a big tray or in a box.
And I'll walk down the hall
carrying my Mac Tonight merchandise.
I often hear people say...
-Where does he get those wonderful toys?
-See, that works.
[ Laughter ]
See how much better it is if the Nicholson quote fits the setup?
We just take this as a teachable moment.
You know, if we're on the same page, the sky is the limit.
What if...
What if we could make this show better every week?
-What if this is as good as it gets?
-Oh, [bleep] you.
[ Laughter ]
See me next week. Two weeks.