When we left off last night,
the Democratic announcement of an impeachment inquiry
had Trump up against the ropes, and so in response,
Trump said that he would release a transcript
of the phone call he had with Ukraine's president,
and Trump claimed this transcript would prove
that he is "so innocent, the most innocent person."
But now we've all seen the transcript,
and I'm starting to wonder if Trump even read it.
A just-released transcript of a phone call
shows President Trump asking Ukrainian president Zelensky
to investigate his political rival,
former vice president Joe Biden.
And in this call,
the president repeatedly stresses
how much the U.S. does for Ukraine,
and then he says...
(reading):
NEWSWOMAN: On the call, the president said...
(reading):
He's using the Justice Department
to forward his political aims, and you're right.
Bill Barr is stuck in the middle of this.
This is the, again, the definition,
if we look up in the dictionary, of abuse of power.
This is abuse of power.
Yes, the transcript of the call is out.
And not only did Trump definitely ask
the president of Ukraine
to work with his personal lawyer/vampire henchman
to investigate Joe Biden,
he also tried to rope in the United States attorney general.
And if that happened, that's a big deal,
because a president can't go around
using the Justice Department as his personal TaskRabbit.
That's not allowed, right?
It's the same way an employee at Domino's
would get into trouble for drying his laundry
in the pizza oven, okay?
You can do it, but don't be shocked
when Domino's impeaches your ass.
And you might be wondering,
"If this phone call is so damning,
"why did Trump even release the transcript?
Only an idiot would do that."
-Exactly. And, also... -(laughter)
-And, also... -(cheering and applause)
this is what Trump does.
He does this all the time.
Like, Trump is the only person
who'll do something so bad right out in the open
that it makes you question whether it's actually bad.
Right? It's just, like, a powerful thing that...
It's the same way that Kanye can walk around basically in rags,
but because he does it so confidently,
we're just like, "I guess that's a style now?
"I wish I looked like I was attacked
by hungry badgers?"
(laughter)
And if you're thinking, "Wait, how do we even know
exactly what Trump said on that call to a foreign leader,"
well, apparently, all calls in the White House
are recorded for quality assurance purposes.
Now, we should note that at the bottom of this log,
there is a disclaimer that this is not
a "verbatim transcript of a discussion."
A senior White House official
says that there is voice recognition software
that puts the transcript out-- what it calls a transcript--
and then those who would listen to the phone call look over that
to make sure that it is an accurate reading.
Yes, the software that monitors the president's calls
writes it down, and then someone checks it.
And can I just say I feel so bad
for whatever voice recognition software
has to try and make sense of what Donald Trump is saying.
'Cause, you realize, that computer is programmed
to recognize normal human speech patterns,
not the Donald.
He's just out there like, "And, so, I say, I say,
"they were so big. Not as big. Electoral college.
"China. The wall. Big time.
"Bigly and all.
That's me."
(laughter)
Yeah, honestly, the computer probably listens
for ten seconds to Trump,
and then it just throws itself into a bathtub like, "Kill me."
(laughter and applause)
So, look, the transcript is bad.
But as bad as this seems for Trump,
this transcript has turned into a political Rorschach test.
Right? Democrats see a smoking gun
that proves Donald Trump abused his power
and deserves to lose his job.
Republicans see a man who's innocent
and is just passionate about cracking down
on corruption in Ukraine.
And I see my dad forgetting my birthday,
even though we were born on the same day.
So, if you're on Team Trump,
this transcript wasn't a disaster--
it was a total win.
This call did not--
this is my opinion--
did not contain a smoking gun,
did not contain anything that could be used
to impeach the president of the United States.
Now that we've seen the tram-- transcript,
there is no there there.
From my point of view,
to impeach any president over a phone call like this
would be insane.
The bottom line here is that, in this transcript,
there's no quid pro quo, there's no improper leverage
and the overall tone of this transcript
is that it is mutually laudatory.
You take a look at that call. It was perfect.
I didn't do it. There was no quid pro quo.
"That's right, folks. There's no quid pro quo.
Because I would never speak Latin on my calls."
So, in a nutshell,
that was day two on the road to impeachment.
The White House released the transcript,
Congress has officially received the full whistleblower's report
and we'll have to wait to find out what happens next.
And it could be anything.
We could find out that Mike Pence
also pressured Ukraine on a call
or we could find out the secret identity of the whistleblower.
Spoiler alert, I think it's Tekashi69.
Guy's snitching on everybody.
-(applause) -Until then,
until then,
we don't know anything.
What we do know
is that Trump's defenders have already decided
on their big talking point and that is
that this whole thing is a nothingburger
because there was no explicit quid pro quo.
In other words, President Trump may have asked
the Ukrainian leader for a favor,
but he didn't say, "Do the favor or no military support."
But let's-let's be honest.
Like, you don't need to be explicit to set up a shady deal.
I mean, if you've ever watched any Mafia anythings,
you'll know that explicit is the exact opposite of what they do.
I mean, it's just like this scene from The Sopranos.
Listen, Danny, we just want you to know how glad we are
a guy like you is on that jury.
That mob thing, that Junior Soprano trial.
(register dings)
I got that.
CASHIER: $14.20.
Hey, hey, what are you doing?
It's a privilege.
Hard-working guy.
Wife and two kids.
Performing a civic duty we should all take part in.
We know you'll do the right thing.
Now, this may shock you,
but that man was not actually being friendly
to that other man.
But I guess it's too subtle for Trump and his defenders.
I guess if they wrote for The Sopranos,
that scene would have gone a lot more like this.
Hey, Danny, I need you to find my boss not guilty
or we'll murder your family.
Oh, I see. Like a quid pro quo.
Exactly.
This is a quid pro quo.
(laughter, applause)
You figure it out for yourself.