A question we get quite often is my spouse and I are separated,
but occasionally he or she still wants to make love with me.
And I'm not sure if I should do that or not.
Should I will in just a moment, we're going to explain some pros and cons.
Here's some reasons to do it. Here's some reasons not to do it. And of course,
ultimately as always, it is your decision,
but we'll give you some good things to think about as you make that decision.
By the way,
if really what you're thinking about is my spouse's having an affair.
Should I still make love to him or her?
There's another video I think will be more helpful to you than this.
So go right here and our YouTube channel where you
youtube.com/marriage helper, and look for the video about,
should I make love to my spouse? Who's having an affair. Now.
It may not be titled exactly that, but similar enough to that,
that you can find it. And in that,
when we give you a lot of things to think about,
if your spouse is having an affair and this particular video,
we're going to be focusing more on, well, there's not an affair going on,
but we're separated. Should I make love to him, to her or not?
Hi, I'm dr. Joe beam with marriage helper. I'm here with Kimberly Holmes,
our CEO, who is also very fashionable.
I love beautiful there. Kimberly is our leader.
She has our organization and is not standing leader,
helping us help more people all the time. So Kimberlin when it comes to that.
Why do you think a spouse who is separated would want to make love to the house,
to the spouse that they're separated from.
Largest thing I believe is going to be that they want their spouse to come home.
So if this is a step in that direction to gain that intimacy back,
have that fulfillment, show them what they're missing, whatever it might be.
This is step towards. I want you to come home.
And what might be motivating the other person,
the one that has left that he or she wants to occasionally make
love to the spouse. They have abandoned. Basically.
What do you think might be motivating.
A ton of things,
but it probably could come down to two separate camps of a physical desire
or an emotional desire. So physically having a need,
wanting to have that release, but emotionally wanting
or a combination of those two.
Okay. And sometimes because it's safe, we know each other,
I'm not afraid of some disease out there. I don't have to go find somebody else.
If I have this need, I'm trying to fulfill, we're familiar with each other.
It's comfortable. Those kinds of things. It's not unusual. As a matter of fact,
it's pretty common that spouses who are separated,
even spouses who are divorced to continue to have sex with each other,
because of that factor, it's safe. I don't have to go looking,
finding somebody else. We have this relationship together right now. If,
if the spouse who has been abandoned, for lack of a better phrase,
here I am standing. And my spouse who has separated from me is now coming back,
wanting to make love to me. If you try to figure out his or her motivations,
you're going to drive yourself crazy, right. It would be hard. Like,
is he or she coming back? Just because they want physical fulfillment,
is he or she coming back because they want emotional connection of some kind,
is he or she coming about? Because I'm safe.
The only way you can ever know the motivation of another person is if they know
the motivation. Exactly.
Not even if you ask them because they still may not know.
They may not know. And people will sometimes say to me, Oh,
of course people know why they do things. Really find any person on the planet.
What's something they do. And look at them and say, why did you do that?
And I'll guarantee you on occasion. Every one of us will go. I don't know.
I don't know what I did that.
And so a person doesn't always understand his or her own motivations.
So it's the second point you made, which is really good.
Even if you ask them their motivation,
you may not hear the truth for a couple of reasons. One is because as you said,
they don't know. But the other is because of the fact that they're very afraid,
they'll tell you the true motivation. You won't do what they want you to do.
Right? Okay. So the, the ultimate decision then comes down to you.
Do I want to do this or not? All right now, again,
we've already mentioned if the is in an affair,
really go watch that video because we go into depth.
They're talking about various things for you to think through.
If your spouse is having an affair, some of those same principles apply here,
but rather than repeating them here,
even if your spouse is not having an affair,
you may really benefit from going over and watching that video
anyway,
because some of the things we discussed there that would be redundant here that
we discussed there can really help you understand your own motivations about
should I, should I not et cetera, that kind of thing.
So we really encourage you to watch that video. Anyway.
Now let's talk about the pros and the cons, okay.
Not the person's motivation and which we talked about in the other video,
but what benefits could possibly come to a person
who decides, yes, I'm going to make love to my way words.
Well, one benefit is the individual benefit you can get from it. From,
there are things that are good for our bodies that happen when sex happens,
even if it's just to avoid temptation for wanting to get into a
relationship or start dating another person.
The point, and then the health benefits that come from that, you know,
a lot of people know that I studied sex in my PhD program.
I studied the causes of,
and correlations between marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.
So I had to study a lot about human sexuality and,
and there's some health benefits that come from that, that you alluded to.
I like that other thing that you just said,
but let's go back to the health benefits.
And those health benefits have to do with this.
When a person reaches the culmination, as you said, as a sexologist,
I'll call that an orgasm because that's the technical term for him. Um,
some things happen for you. We know, for example,
that women who are orgasmic actually reduce the likelihood of ever having a
heart attack.
We know that men who are regularly orgasmic reduce the likelihood of getting
prostate cancer. Now it doesn't eliminate it, but it reduces it, Oh, by the way,
men who are regularly orgasmic also reduce the likelihood of having a fatal
heart attack.
It doesn't reduce the likelihood they're going to have a heart attack,
but it reduces the likelihood it's going to kill them.
And there are other benefits that come from that because of what happens in the
body at orgasm, it can calm people down. It can relieve stress.
For example, in one study, 32% of women,
I think it was said that that helped them sleep.
And so there are physical benefits that come to me. Okay.
So one reason might be like, okay, I know this person, he,
or she's still my husband or wife,
and I'm comfortable with having sex with him or her.
And there are certain benefits to me, health wise. Now,
what was the other one you mentioned before that.
The other one is the benefit to the relationship.
We know that when a couple is having sex,
especially at that culmination of it, that oxytocin is released.
It's one of the highest times in your life that the oxytocin will be highest in
your body, which is a bonding, chemical.
Extremely strong binding came up.
Oxytocin is the chemical that induces childbirth.
So if a woman's carrying a child and it's time to deliver what will actually
induce the childbirth process is the chemical oxytocin. Now,
when that oxytocin occurs, interestingly, interestingly,
if the husband or the father is standing in the room,
as she delivers the child, his body will flood with oxytocin as well.
Now you might be thinking, well,
why in the world would abundant chemical be the thing that induces childbirth?
Well, I have a theory about that is so that women don't kill that thing.
They just hurt them so badly. When it came out of them instead,
they had this strong flood of bonding for that child. They count the fingers,
they count the toes, they cuddled a suckle limit their breasts, whatever.
Now that's the strongest, but the next strongest is an orgasm.
And interestingly in orgasm, and it goes, it actually works in two ways.
Oxytocin goes into the autonomic nervous system,
but also into the bloodstream as a hormone.
And it's a strong bonding chemical.
And so one possibility is if you're regularly orgasmic with each
other, is that it actually because of the brain chemicals and each of you,
male and female, it actually starts bonding you together,
pulling you back together. So there's a health benefit as well.
But the other thing you mentioned at the beginning is to avoid temptation.
Exactly. Elaborate on that a little bit.
Yeah. Well,
it came from a question I actually saw come across yesterday where someone said
we've been separated 18 months and I just feel so lonely. I want to date,
but we're not divorced yet. That that goes against my beliefs and values.
And so in, if you're able to, if your spouse is, you know,
if this opportunity comes up.
Then participating will help reduce the temptation of.
I think that's an excellent point, an excellent point.
So at least three positives, we can think of health benefits,
but tential relationship benefits and then benefits to your own morality
and your own belief and value system. Now, there could be more,
but those are three pretty strong ones,
but let's move over to the cons a little bit. If a person decides, okay,
my spouse is separated from me, but he or she's come back into the home,
maybe not to live, but wants to make love to me.
What are the negatives that might occur if you do that?
The first one I can think of is the way I'm going to feel about myself
afterwards. Will I regret it? Will I,
will I overanalyze it will. I wish I had done something different.
And particularly if I begin to overanalyze my husband in the
situation.
So if I look at him and think back to what happened and just really pick it
apart,
then it's probably not mentally healthy for me going forward.
Okay. Now, again,
we're going to refer you back to the other video because we'd said a lot of
things there that we don't repeat here just for the sake of not being redundant,
but go find the one about, should I have sex with my spouse?
Who's having an affair. Even if he or she's not having an affair,
some of the points there are valid people.
If they feel they've been taken advantage of resent, it it's like,
wow, you came in, you used me.
And because of the fact that you use me, even if I had the orgasm,
even if I got some of the health benefits from it, I still know like this,
because I feel like that I don't have any value as an individual.
I'm just a partner that you could have picked up off the street somewhere.
And so the second part of that,
that ties directly to that is that sometimes it can be great frustration.
If you think making love to my spouse is going to create a situation where he or
she wants to come back. Now it could, we mentioned that on another approach,
that's a possibility, but it's not necessarily a likelihood.
And so the frustration can come thinking well,
but he's been back over here 10 times in the last two months and we made love to
each other, or she's been back here at 10.
Right?
Yes.
If only we knew the simple formula for that. I mean,
when it really comes down to it, you,
you really have to decide which one can you live with?
Which one is more important to you? Not in the moment, but longterm.
And like you have said, especially in that other video, it's,
it's a decision that many times you make in the moment.
So it can be hard to think longterm with that, but you do your best.
And so sometimes you just compare. So for example,
rather than making the decision in a moment,
if you think it's likely to happen or likely to happen again,
this may sound simplistic. It would really, you sit down with a piece of paper,
draw a line right down the middle, put the pros over here. Here are the pros.
If I make love to my spouse, who's string right now,
here are the cons and then weight them. What I mean by that is this,
you assign value, like for example, pick a scale of one to 10. Okay.
Here's a pro I get some health benefits from it.
How important is that to me on a scale of one to 10, now you're guessing,
but it's you assessing it? Who am I, I think that's worth the five to me,
or I think that's where it's a two to me, or I think that's worth a 10 to me.
And then under the thing under the health benefits, well,
the likelihood that it, not the likelihood I'm using the wrong word,
the possibility that it might enhance the relationship.
How important is that to you? Because of the oxytocin, remembering now,
remembering as you do that.
And it's not a guarantee it's going to make it all right. So write that down.
And then the temptation thing, like, Hmm, based on my own beliefs and values,
my morality avoiding the temptation. How important is that? You okay.
On the cons, you're doing the same kind of thing. Okay.
What if it turns out that it doesn't how big of a thing is that to
me? Is that a five and three or two? Like, okay. If it doesn't bring back,
it's still not that big a deal to me. I'm going to rate it to two fine or no,
if it doesn't bring him back or her back, that's a 10 to me.
That's how negative that's going to be a big 10. Okay. Then another thing of,
how am I going to feel about myself later and any other,
any other pros or cons you can think of? I know this sounds simplistic,
but then you get the bottom of the page and your ad, the numbers. Okay.
Here's what the pros number up to. This is what the cons number up to now.
If there's a significant difference is pretty well given you your decision.
Well, the negatives are 20 and the positives are an eight.
Then in all likelihood, what that means is if you decided to make love to them,
you're not going to be happy about it later.
The positives are at 20 and the negatives are eight.
It means you probably are going to feel better about it later.
Now this is not a guarantee, right?
It's certainly not a scientific way to do it.
It's a way of you trying to assess your emotions and your feelings,
but then what it becomes 10, 10 years, or 10 over here, and a 10 over there,
then what would you recommend that they do.
See what happens in the moment? So assess the situation when it happened.
Very good. Excellent.
Because that's then where you do have to make a decision in a moment, right?
And based on how can kind of Tinder,
whatever it might be.
[Inaudible] the events leading up to what brought them over. I mean,
all of those things you can bring in to assess is this what I want to do, right?
No matter what you decide, please think this way,
I'm not going to beat myself up about whatever I did afterwards.
I'm not going to second guess, should I have done that?
Shouldn't have done it because I didn't. Should I have that?
I missed my opportunity. You'll tear yourself apart.
If you start doing that kind of thing, if you decide to do it,
don't tear yourself up afterwards. After that, either thinking, well,
should I have done? That? Was that the smartest thing I did, whatever you do do.
And when it's done, please, don't let it haunt you.
Now you can use what you feel afterward to decide whether you want to do it
again. If the opportunity comes up again, how you feel about it,
the first time can guide what you do the second time. If you feel really,
really bad about it,
the first time we'd recommend you don't do it the second time,
unless something significantly changes and that case through.
So as with everything we talked about, Kimberly,
it's always up to the individual, no hard and fast rules. Nope. Always like,
think about this, think about this, make your own decision, but trust yourself,
after you make the decision. And if you're made a decision,
you think was the bad one, then don't do it again. Right?
We hope that you give us comments below of this video because we have folks
reading those comments and we're always looking for better ways to serve you,
to help you with information, to help you think things through, et cetera. Now,
if you're looking for somebody who's going to say, definitely do this.
Definitely don't do that, that kind of stuff.
And give you a hard and fast rules. You can find those folks on the internet,
but basically there are people who don't know what they're talking about because
relationships, relationships are always complex.
They're not black and white and you really have to think to make things work.
So thank you, Kimberly. Thank you for sharing this video with us.
We hope it's been helpful to you. Love to see your comments below. Thank you.