- Oh Angelo.
- Sweets for my sweet.
Flowers for my flower.
And the cigarettes for after.
(audience laughing)
- Oh I'm so glad you're here.
My date's brother just came into town.
And unless I can find a date for him so we can double,
why the whole evening's gonna be called off.
So what do you say?
Would you please please be a friend and go out with him?
- Sure, I'm game.
(audience laughing)
Will you take it inside Rose?
This isn't the French Quarter.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my my my my my my my.
- Why do I feel the need to bathe?
(audience laughing)
- So how was it Blanche?
- You might as well ask me to describe
the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains
as they rise from the mist of the Carolina dawn.
- They went to a sleazy motel.
(audience laughing)
- Or the colors of the monarch butterfly
spreading its wings as it emerges from the miracle
of the cocoon.
- She got him to pay for half the room.
(audience laughing)
- Or the sturdy cypress reaching heavenward
tall and mighty and proud.
- That one I think is pretty self explanatory.
(audience laughing)
- You're under arrest.
Your days as the freeway flasher are over.
- I know what you're thinking Rose, but you're wrong.
And if I can make bail, I'd love to see you tomorrow night.
- I don't think so.
(audience laughing)
- May I call you?
I get one phone call.
- You look gorgeous.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
- Goodness, I didn't even have time to put on my makeup.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Would you mind waiting out in the van Dirk,
I'll be with you in just a minute.
- Sure.
- I do believe the man said gorgeous.
I'm gonna live forever.
- Not outside of an institution.
(audience laughing)
- We don't wanna keep our dates waiting.
- Wait, Blanche, honey, aren't you forgetting something?
- Oh no, I never wear underwear.
(audience laughing)
- Dorothy, do you have a date tonight?
- Rose, I mean, that's an awfully personal question.
Do, yes! (audience laughing)
- Oh good god.
Dorothy Zbornak has a date on a Saturday night
and Blanche Devereaux does not?
That sounds like an idea for a Stephen King book.
(audience laughing)
As the Reverend was performing the funeral service,
I knew for sure that he wanted me.
(dishes clanging)
(audience laughing)
I'd always known that there'd been something between us.
Sometimes from the pulpit, he'd be talking about sin
he'd look straight at me,
(audience laughing)
we couldn't do anything about it 'cause he was married but
after his wife died,
there was no stopping him.
(audience laughing)
- So? - Well, we could finally
consummate our long and burning passion.
- And? (audience laughing)
- It took about 10 minutes.
He wore his watch and his socks.
I never saw him again.
(audience laughing)
- Another date with your mystery man.
- Oh he's no mystery man.
- No, then how come you've been out with him four times.
We don't know anything about him?
- Well, there is one little thing.
(door bell ringing)
Well that must be him.
Rose would you get the door please?
- Hello. - Hello.
We thought you were Blanche's date,
but you're way too old.
(audience laughing)
Listen, check with me later about the weekend.
I just wanna be sure I'm ready.
And that it's right.
- I'll give you a ring.
- I can't accept jewelry.
(audience laughing)
- I mean, I'll call you soon.
I mean, I'll call you Rose soon.
(audience laughing)
And the phone will ring.
(audience laughing)
- This is my first date.
- You mean, (audience laughing)
your first date ever?
- That's right I've never been with a woman.
Well, not in the Biblical sense.
- You're a virgin?
(audience laughing)
- A virgin.
- Oh god.
(audience laughing)
This brings out the artist in me.
(audience laughing)
Oh, Dorothy you're home.
- Well doesn't anyone wanna hear how my date turned out?
- Oh honey, was it just terrible?
- Oh sweetheart, you can tell us.
- It was wonderful.
- Really, where is Dr. Marvelous?
What kinda man doesn't walk a girl to the door?
- One who's too exhausted to walk.
(audience laughing)
- Dorothy Zbornak I am shocked and I want details.
(audience laughing)
- I tell you the night was just magical.
We laughed, we danced, we drank, we cried,
we did it all, even,
I can't tell you.
I'm too shy.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)