This video is an excerpt from my upcoming course on building
rapport, how to go beyond small talk with advanced communication
skills. In this video, we're going to talk about the problem
of asking questions. And I'm gonna share some techniques for
more meaningful staff communication. Most people will
default to questions when they're trying to get to know
someone, especially at the beginning. And it's generally
seen as a socially acceptable way to communicate with people.
And I think this is why most people struggle to connect,
because questions are actually a barrier to connection, not a
precipitant, see questions create the interview frame,
right? One person asking the other person answering. And it's
very rare for this to be perfectly balanced, it can
happen and if that does happen, it's okay. But most of the time,
one person will do most of the asking, and the other person
will do most of the answering. And you'll often notice that
this pattern continues throughout the relationship. So
there's always someone who asks more than somebody who answers
more, and they don't take turns. And this leads to imbalanced
sharing. So if you're asking the questions, I'm not getting
information from you, other than some vague ideas about things
you might be interested in, based on the questions you're
asking, assuming that they're genuine questions, which I'm not
even sure of. And you on the other hand, you're digging and
mining information out of me, you're getting all kinds of
information. So if we look at our mental bank accounts about
how much information we have about each other, you're you way
outweigh me, you're much wealthier than I am. Because
every time you ask a question you add to your account, whereas
I actually don't get anything in mind. And of course, if you
accept the idea that a balanced investment and a balance,
sharing of information is what's important to report and
important to a connection, then you understand why questions
simply don't work very well. Questions don't share, they just
take information, unfortunately, because information is flowing,
it will feel like you've got a connection. You know, I get this
a lot from guys I'm working with and I'm trying to help them in
the dating scene. And they'll say something like, Oh, she told
me all about herself, you know, got all this great information
about it, but she won't text me back. And he can't understand
the thought because there's so much information being shared,
it must have been a good conversation. He doesn't see
that his bank account is full of information. But she's got
nothing about him other than the guy asks a lot of questions, and
it's kind of annoying. So of course, she's not texting you
back. If you're a needy kind of person, or you're an
UnderSheriff, who tries to hide and shame themselves and keep
information secret from others, you're gonna feel like you
interact a lot. If you ask a lot of questions, you're gonna feel
like you're having lots of conversations and connecting
with people. And then you're going to wonder like, why don't
I have deep friendships? Why don't I have long lasting
relationships? What's the secret factor? Here? I'm doing
everything right? Well, actually, you're not, not only
two questions cause that imbalance actually force a
limited sharing from the other person. See, it's almost
impossible for someone to overcome the hurdle of a
question, if you ask me a question, I feel compelled to
answer it. I feel very uncomfortable saying something
totally random. Something else that's come to mind that's off
topic or doesn't answer your question. I'd even feel quite
uncomfortable challenging you about your questioning. So you
might be interviewing someone and they don't like it. But they
feel like they can't stop you. Not only can they not stop
themselves from answering the question, they might not even
have the courage to challenge you on asking too many
questions. And so you're actually keeping them in this
narrow range, they're only allowed to talk about a narrow
range of information that would suitably answer the question,
which is such a tiny slice of who they are. Like, if I ask
you, what do you do for a job? If your job isn't actually a
really relevant factor to your personality, and all you're now
allowed to talk about is your job, I don't get an accurate
view of you. Maybe you're a great father. And that's the
real role you play in your life. But if you tell me I'm an
accountant, all I think is accountant. I don't actually
know you. I don't know that you're a great father. I don't
know that. That's the main role in your life. I haven't allowed
you to share that information. Unless you're particularly
skilled and bold. You're not going to say something like why
to my work, doesn't matter. What really matters is my father. And
you know, I'm really all about parenting. Very few people have
the skill and courage to override a question and say what
they really want to say. And they might want to tell you
things, they have this truth, but it can't get released. They
feel like they must get past your questions first. Which is
impossible because you're probably in the interviewer
frame which every time they answer, they follow up with a
question. And I see people get into this trap all the time. One
person asking the other person answering, the person answering
can't get out of talking about the answers to these questions,
and they get more and more frustrated, more distant, more
shut off. So even if this person stops interviewing them, they no
longer want to share because they're exhausted by having this
information drawn out of them. And they got they know nothing
about the other person. So why would they invest, they now feel
unsafe, this person's got all this information on them, and
they've got nothing on them. It's not fear, you can also
quite often feel manipulated. When questions are being asked,
you feel like the person's pulling information out of you
that you might not have shared freely that you might not feel
ready to share. And again, very few people have the courage to
say I don't want to answer that question, or I'm not comfortable
talking about that right? Now. Some people can say that, but a
lot of people will answer your question, seemingly
enthusiastically, or you overlook the signs that they're
not. And you think they're all good was sharing this
information. And actually, they feel a kind of theft has taken
place. Of course, in terms of attraction and interest thing,
the interviewer just kills it. Because anybody can ask
questions. You're replaceable. There's nothing special about a
person who asks lots of questions, even if they're
brilliant, curious questions, I can get questions from a
magazine poll. I don't need you for questions. So if all you do
is provide questions, you don't provide any unique information
about yourself anything that's just you anything that changes
my view on things. If you just asked me about me, Well, why do
I need you? I can get that from anybody? And how am I supposed
to be attracted to you're interested in you? If I don't
know anything about you? There's nothing for me to be interested
in. I'm not interested in someone who asked questions.
That's not a trait. Now you might be good looking. Or you
might impress me with a skill or something. But once that's worn
off, what else have you got if you just got questions? So in
case it's not obvious, you use statements. Instead, statements
are the way to connect with people. And you're going to feel
that you have to use questions, you're going to feel that
statements might be oversharing, or bragging, or you'll have some
shame around statements. But I'm telling you right now, this is
one of those critical shifts you can make in your communication
style. No more questions, only statements. Rather than ending a
sentence with a question mark, you end up with a full stop and
a silence, I challenge you to try and do entire conversations
with people without asking any questions. I'll give you some
tips and some practical guidance on how to achieve the seemingly
impossible goal. The gray one is to reframe the question you were
about to ask into a statement about yourself. Now what you can
do is you can answer the question. So let's say I wanted
to ask you, how was your weekend? You know, I've just met
you in the office lunch room or something? And that question
pops up into my head, I can answer it and say the answer out
loud. So instead of asking you how was your weekend, I said,
Hey, I just had a terrible weekend, I can start the
conversation like that, as if you asked. And there's really
nothing wrong with just throwing information out there. You'll
notice that when you watch a stand up comedy, they just keep
changing topics and throwing random story doors on the bus
the other day, and I saw this guy, nobody asked him what he
was doing that day, he realized that you're totally accepting of
the stand up comedian just throwing topics out, they'll
change the topic three times in a single minute, you have no
problem with it, it isn't weird to do this. And you'll find it's
actually easier for the other person, if you're the one to
throw the information out. First, you give them something
to respond to say, Hey, John, I just had a terrible weekend, he
can do whatever he wants with that information. You've made it
easy for him. Whereas if you ask a question, he's forced to
answer it, he feels under pressure, it's difficult for
him, maybe he's too tired to talk right now. You haven't
given them an out. It's a really uncomfortable conversation
generally. And if you've been watching the reflection videos,
you know, another response is to just share your own story that's
relevant to it. Maybe that prompts an idea a new, somebody
says, you know, I'm an accountant. You might say I'm a
coach. Oh, that reminds me what I do for a job. So instead of
asking them, you just tell them a relevant piece of information
about yourself that came up. They tell a big story. Rather
than asking for more details about their story, you share a
story of your own, you keep the bank accounts balanced, so that
you have equal amount of information about each other
with equal depth and transparency and vulnerability.
That's a connection questions cause play a role in society
transactional conversations, for example, practical
conversations, where do I put this over there? Thanks a lot.
You do need to ask questions. Sometimes. You know, it's no
good being at the gas station saying I wonder how much that
gas costs. You'd like to say, how much does it cost? We're not
talking about transactional conversations. We're talking
about rapport building, we're talking about connection,
talking about stuff that isn't just about practical engineering
type problems to be solved. But about each other learning about
the person if the information is about the person. No need for
questions. Thank you for watching. I hope that was
helpful. If you want to become a master of social communication
and connect deeply with people get in touch dan@brojo.org And
we'll talk about coaching