- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
Now today, we're gonna talk
about something really interesting.
Why do we sometimes smile when we're
talking about awful things?
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But let's jump into that topic.
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So today's question is, Katy,
why do I smile when I talk about awful things in therapy?
And I thought this was such an interesting topic,
and something I truly hadn't put that much thought into.
And I guess I just always thought
that it was sort of a maladaptive response to stress.
'Cause, we know, therapy can be hard
and it can be stressful.
We're talking about uncomfortable things.
Maybe that's why it happens, but after
looking into this and finding research about this, yes.
They have research about this.
Pretty crazy cool, huh?
I've found that this odd response actually has a name,
they call it inappropriate affect.
Now affect itself is the way that we express
externally how we're feeling internally.
Smiles, laughing, crying, all of
that stuff, that's our affect.
So, by definition, inappropriate affect
is when we display emotion, behavior,
or demeanor that is not appropriate
for the event, situation, or thought
that is occurring or being expressed.
Meaning, we may smile or even laugh
when we talk about a terrible or traumatizing thing.
Now there are many reasons we
could struggle with inappropriate affect.
First, many mental health conditions
can cause it, such as schizophrenia,
schizoid personality disorder,
autism spectrum disorder,
depression, even bipolar disorder.
And there are other reasons aside
from mental illness or mental disorders
that this could be occurring, such as brain damage,
pseudobulbar affect, and many other neurological disorders.
So make sure, if you feel your expressed emotions
have a complete life of their own,
make an appointment to see
a neurologist as soon as possible.
However, based on the question that I received,
I'm guessing that they're only experiencing inappropriate
affect in therapy, or whenever they're asked
to talk about things that are actually very upsetting.
And research on this specific issue
states that it usually happens for one of two reasons.
Number one, we are not comfortable
or well-versed in our own emotional state.
This means that whenever we feel quote unquote bad,
we struggle to accept it, often stuffing
that emotion down and taking the whole grin
and bear it motto to heart.
Not only can this lead us to crying
or getting upset and not really knowing
why, but we can also begin to truly feel
that our emotions are out of control
because we aren't feeling them when they happen.
And instead, we kind of wait for our emotional pot
of water to boil over.
The second reason we could be having inappropriate
affect is that we have internal cognitive dissonance.
If you forgot, cognitive dissonance
is when we have two conflicting beliefs,
ideas, or values happening at the same time.
So let's say that we were always told
as a child that we shouldn't cry in public,
or that being angry wasn't okay or acceptable.
We can slowly be conditioned to literally grin
and bear it even though we know that humans,
research shows that humans cannot improve
their mood by simply faking it and smiling.
I thought that we, I actually believed
that that was true, but after looking into
it, they did tons of research because people
thought that and proved that we are not fooled
by a fake smile from ourselves or someone else.
So it actually don't make us feel better.
Now obviously, we can even do this to ourselves
as we get older.
If we don't like expressing any emotion,
I don't really like anger, it kind
of makes me uncomfortable, then I just prefer
to pretend we're happy, even if we really aren't
by forcing a smile when we're truly upset,
we end up teaching our brain
to associate smiling with distress,
which research shows actually makes
our depression or disappointment
or any mental illness, really worse,
because we are in fact creating
cognitive dissonance within ourselves.
And while it's not always safe
to allow ourselves to feel how we feel
in that very moment, I don't want
to cry at work even if I'm upset.
I would rather wait until I'm in the car
or at home, but it's best to allow ourselves
to feel how we feel as quickly as possible.
Maybe at the end of the day, we allow ourselves
to cry, like I said, if you get
in your car, then it's okay.
Since inappropriate affect isn't something
that we've created in one day,
like I said, it often starts and is learned
in childhood pushing into our adult life,
make sure you give yourself the time
that you need to develop new and more healthy habits.
But here are some tips to get you started today.
First, feelings charts, I know I talk
about these all the time, and you probably
completely hate them, but believe me, they really help.
Start out trying to identify two to three feelings a day.
In fact, you could do it in the morning,
you could do it in the evening,
and try to move up, as you keep doing
that, move up to three to five a day.
And then even try taking stock of your emotions
in the morning and at night, so you're doing three
to five in the morning, and three
to five in the evening.
Feelings charts are a great resource.
You can print them out, and it just give you
a place to start.
I find that when I tell my patients
to consider their emotions, they don't even know what
the name, how do I start?
But if we can read through a list,
I find even just reading through
a list of emotions, I can identify with
a few of those easily.
I'm like, oh yeah, I did feel that way.
Circle those, it's a great place to start.
Tip number two, describe each feeling
without using the feeling word.
Meaning, if the feeling is excited,
I could describe it by saying it's like bubbles
rising in my chest.
Happy flutters in my stomach, and I can't help but smile.
Any way that you want to describe
the said emotion without using that word like excited.
So I can describe it using any other word, but excited.
And this helps us better understand how we feel
and how we experience it in our bodies.
My third tip, making feeling collages.
I have talked about these before as well,
but taking a large white sheet of paper,
writing down the feeling word in the middle of it,
and then adding in other phrases
or pictures, or captions that fit in with
that feeling word for you.
And this just helps us kind of better-understand
how we experience it, and take
that feeling to another level.
Often my clients say that when they're creating
that collage, it'll give them the time they need
to feel how they're feeling, how they're truly feeling.
Not that fake internal cognitive dissonance we've created.
And my fourth tip is relearning.
We can relearn when to smile and not to smile.
Just like we learned to do it in inappropriate times before,
we can go back and redo that.
So notice when you're smiling when you shouldn't
be, and work to stop yourself so that when you're
happy, you're actually smiling.
Even if you have to force it a bit.
Slowly but surely, our brains will relearn
when it wants to smile or laugh, and when it doesn't.
And I know it sounds kind of crazy,
but it feels crazy when we're laughing
when we know that we're sad or when we're smiling
and we're talking about something traumatizing,
and that's kind of a learned behavior
so we have to kind of force ourselves to unlearn it.
And I know it's hard at first, but it does get easier.
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As always, leave any of your thoughts and insights
in the comments down below.
Like I said at the beginning, I was super-shocked
that there was even research on this topic.
So let's share what else we know,
because it's with my expertise and your experience
that we learn the most and work towards
a healthy mind and a healthy body.
And I'll see you next time, bye.
Oh and don't forget the shirts, the shirts.
One month only, get 'em while they're hot.