Let's kick things off with Elon Musk,
the guy who's having an apartheid with his own face.
He's been on a non-apology apology tour
following the fallout from his antisemitic tweets.
And like a Tesla, it's been blowing up in his face.
Elon Musk, the world's wealthiest man,
has a message for companies who don't want to advertise on X.
And I can't repeat it on morning television
or else this will be my last day.
What this advertising boycott is going to do,
it's going to kill the company.
And do you think that--
And the whole world will know that those advertisers
killed the company.
If someone's going to try to blackmail me with advertising,
blackmail me with money, go [bleep] yourself.
But--
Go [bleep] yourself.
Is that clear?
I hope it is.
Oh, it's clear.
It's clear that Elon has accomplished
something incredible.
He's made people root for advertisers.
That's crazy.
Anyone could build an electric car,
but you're the only true genius who could lose
coolness battle to Mucinex.
You're not a victim here, Elon.
It's not blackmail to not advertise on Twitter.
They don't want anything from you.
They just don't like you.
And you should be used to this by now.
If you don't donate money to the KKK,
the KKK isn't like, ah, so it's blackmail, is it?
No, it's not.
You just suck.
Also, blackmail is the KKK's least favorite type of mail.
You know, I'd feel so bad for Ellen if either of us
could feel.
This guy swears so badly he doesn't want to be liked,
but it's so obvious to everyone that he
really wants to be liked.
He wants to be like so badly he bought a company
that's all about likes.
He's the poster child for money doesn't buy happiness.
You can see it in his recently purchased
face and his jacket from Burlington Divorce Factory.
Let's move on to some major international news.
France has just decided to ban smoking on beaches
and forests and near schools.
Seriously, France, what are you doing to your people here?
They're having a tough year as it is.
First, they raised their retirement age
all the way to 32.
Now they're not allowed to light
up a fire stick in a forest?
Come on, what's next?
No more mimes in boxes?
No more being racist to Muslims?
No more bringing a baguette home to your son
and him going "Bonjour, Papa?"
Will it even be France anymore?
Shout out to Chanandler Bong.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw.
These-- you can't get sad about that.
Come on, guys.
We're having a celebration here.
These French jokes were brought to you by stereotypes.
Stereotypes, they're usually true.
Ah-ha.
All right, let's move on to some sad news.
You know, it's never easy when someone dies.
Although, when that person has made so many other people die,
it kind of takes the sting out of it.
REPORTER: Breaking overnight, former Secretary of State
Henry Kissinger passes away.
His influence profound, yet controversial,
guiding presidents through Vietnam,
the Cold War, and 9/11.
REPORTER: Some called him a war criminal for his role
in bombing Cambodia and widening the war in Vietnam.
Cambodia, 40,000 people died.
That was carpet bombing.
MEHDI HASAN: Kissinger encouraged the Argentina
dirty war in 1976, was the architect
behind the illegal and murderous bombings of Cambodia
and Laos, supported Augusto Pinochet's
brutal military coup in Chile, and turned
a blind eye to alleged genocide in Bangladesh.
And ladies, please remember, all those things
are red flags.
But, yes, Henry Kissinger is dead,
which just goes to show you that if you have zero morals,
you'll lead a long stress-free life.
He committed massacres and lived
to be 100, while the rest of us over here
are dying at 47 because we can't stop stressing
over the time we wave to a person
who was actually waving to someone behind us.
But, look, no matter how you feel about Henry Kissinger,
you've got to agree that he's one of America's
greatest war criminals.
The question is, is he America's greatest
war criminal?
So to have that debate, let's turn to Ronny
Chieng and Michael Kosta.
[cheering]
Thank you guys.
What do you think?
Well, the thing is--
There's no question, Michelle.
Henry Kissinger is the GOAT of war criminals.
You know the last few weeks in high school
where you skim through like 40 years
of terrible American history in like two days?
That's all him, baby--
Vietnam, Cambodia, Chile, shall I continue,
Pakistan, East Timor.
This dude was doing massacres in countries
that Americans didn't even know were countries.
He was putting them on the map and then carpet
bombing them off the map.
He's like a genocidal Carmen Sandiego.
Can I get a chance to talk over here?
Ronny, you're clowning yourself.
Sure, Kissinger's in the conversation.
But this debate starts and ends with Dick Cheney.
His prime years were fire--
Afghanistan, Iraq, Guantanamo.
The man shot his friend in the face.
And it was one of the nicest things he's ever done.
That's a good point.
That's a good point, Ronny.
Maybe this is a tie.
To quote the great man himself,
go [bleep] yourself, Michael.
Yeah, sure, Dick Cheney lied about WMDs,
but my boy Kissinger was using WMDs.
Plus, he was in the game for over 60 years.
Dick Cheney had, what, like five good seasons, maybe?
Exactly, exactly, Kissinger stayed in the game
just to juice his stats, OK?
When you look at the season splits,
Cheney's numbers were better.
Not to mention, Kissinger came in after Vietnam started.
I mean, he was chasing wars the way Durant chases rings,
you know?
And anyone can join a super team,
but Cheney built his wars from the ground up.
I mean, he carried George W. Bush on his back.
Also, how can Kissinger be the war
crimes GOAT when he won the Nobel Peace Prize, you [bleep]
idiot.
All right, that's what makes him the GOAT,
you [bleep] moron.
Do you know how good a war criminal
you have to be to win a peace prize for wars you escalated?
The dude's got the numbers and the hardware.
Count the rings, bitch.
OK, OK, OK, OK, guys, let me throw this out to you
guys, OK?
Andrew Jackson.
- That's a good point. - Oh, yeah.
Good point.
Yeah, I mean, he did the numbers.
Look, look, look, look, look, Michelle, you do have
to adjust for that era, OK?
But credit where credit is due.
I mean, Jackson was massacring people
back when you had to do it with muskets and carrier pigeons.
We'll never know what kind of records
he could have set if he had had drones and Google Maps, OK?
Look, we can't throw around hypotheticals all day.
But the bottom line is Andrew Jackson
wasn't an international player the way Kissinger was, OK?
Jackson only put up decent numbers at home.
He wasn't strong on the road.
Look, Ronny, just because you speak loudly doesn't
make it more true, all right?
Look, look, look, look, I think we can
I'll agree no matter who the GOAT is,
what's important to remember is Kissinger's passing really
puts things into perspective.
So, listen, everyone, if there's
a war criminal in your life, tell them
how you feel about them now.
Because you never know when they're going to unexpectedly
die of being 100 years old.
I couldn't agree more.
Michael Kosta and Ronny Chieng, everybody.