in this video I'm going to show you the exact eight steps that I used to talk to
an addict in denial well not just talk to someone in denial but build a
relationship with them get them to trust me and eventually even seek my advice
about a situation ultimately all of these things are exactly what allows me
to lead or motivate whatever you want to call it someone to take steps towards
recovery not only are these the steps that I use to engage reluctant clients
but these are the exact same things that I teach new counselors coming into the
field about how to work with people in denial people that are resistant to
counseling or people that just downright don't want to talk to you for
those of you who are new here I'm amber Hollingsworth you're watching put the
shovel down the YouTube channel designed to teach families the science and
psychology of addiction so you can outsmart it and get your life back on
track you see I grew up in a really addicted family and then I worked in the
field for years and time after time after time I saw that there were all
these desperate family members who needed help needed advice and were
absolutely trapped in the system no one would talk to them because of
confidentiality if anyone did talk to them they would only say you know
there's nothing you can do you have to wait for your loved one to want it go to
al-anon and all those cliche things that just make you want to pull your hair out
those are the reasons I started this channel I want you to have all the
insider tips and knowledge that I have so that you've got the best chances
possible to be addiction okay sometimes the best way to teach somebody something
is to show you in order to show you I'm going to tell you a little story so not
that long ago I had this young man show up for a first appointment let's call
him Adam obviously that's not his real name but we'll call him Adam and Adam as
a teenager and he shows up in my parking lot with his dad in the truck and in our
office we have sort of these doors that have glass in them that you can kind of
see through and you could see hands going at each other and clearly they
were arguing about the fact that the son did not want to come in the building
and I thought to myself now this was my first appointment of the day and I
thought to myself oh gosh this is going to be good I literally did not know whether
this kid was going to walk into the building or not I was debating in my
head about whether or not I should walk out to the car and try to say something
or if that would make it worse well eventually he came into the
building let's just say he looked rather reluctant about it so I move into step
number one at this point which is when you're interacting with someone who's in
denial or needs to change something you need to approach the situation in a
casual manner because the whole goal here is to interact with someone in a
way that keeps them from putting that giant wall up or in this case to
interact with someone in a way that's going to get them to bring that wall
down do not do not do not come across as needy or pushy or overly appropriate or
uptight because if you come across that way right out the gate you're just gonna
get wall nothing they're literally going to be charlie browning you in their head
you know that means right womp womp womp everytime you say anything so I
approach this young man Adam and I'm like Hey Adam, I know you don't wanna be here today
but I promise you this is not gonna suck as much as you think why don't you grab
you something to drink on the cooler and come on back to the office so I walk out
on back to my office and as I'm walking him back to the office I do step number
two which is address the resistance I mean you can feel the tension in the air
you can feel that he does not want to be there now I could get defensive about
that and have an attitude or be defensive in my head that's not gonna
help I could ignore it which probably isn't gonna help or I can just say look
I know this is not what you want to be doing with your morning right talking to
some stranger you don't even know about stuff going on your life like I know
that totally sucks I usually say something like that so that they know
that I get it like this ain't fun and that they don't want to be here
because if they know that I get it they can stop screaming it really loud at me
with their body language other times I might say something
sarcastic or funny like like woo you really know how to make a girl feel
important you know because they're just like coming back rolling their eyes like
totally not wanting to deal with me address the resistance if you're feeling that
wall just acknowledge it because literally acknowledging the wall most
the time makes the wall come down like at least half way
okay now we're moving on to step three we're getting into the meat of the
information here but make sure you pay attention to all eight of these steps
because they're all critically important all right now step number three now
beginning with step number three this is actually where I get the person to start
considering that this whole situation might not be the most horrible thing
ever so let's go back to our situation with Adam so Adam walks into my office
now I need you to sort of visualize the setting here in my office there are
three places to sit and it's always interesting to watch where new people
sit I've got like a regular-sized blue couch I've got this blue chair that
faces the couch and I've got this big grey chair it's like one of those chaise
lounges it is awesome I call it my Freud chair but no people hardly ever sit
there because they're pretty uptight and nervous and they don't really want to be
that relaxed so when new people come in I usually just say you can sit anywhere
you want I'll sit around you that grey chair over there is the most
comfortable though but even though I say that most people don't usually sit there
if they do that tells me that they're actually pretty comfortable and then I
might not have to work as hard to get their wall down let's just say Adam did
not sit in the grey chair so the only two seating options that are left are at
this blue couch and this blue chair now I'd say it's probably fairly obvious that
the blue chair is where the counselor sits but honestly I really do move around and
sit different with all my clients because they all sit in their place so I
kind of like move around them so Adam chooses to sit in the blue chair now I
know I'm going on about the sort of what's in the office and the furniture
but this is important because I'm paying attention to what's
happening and I want you to pay attention to what's happening
so Adam sits down in this blue chair which is clearly like the captain's
chair and I sit on the couch across from him just so we're kind of you know
face-to-face and I sit casually usually when I talk to clients in my office I'm
usually holding a pillow usually get my feet pulled up in the chair and I'm just
totally in the conversation I'm not sitting there uptight I'm not looking
defensive I'm actually looking like I'm totally interests in this conversation
and right here in the present and nowhere else these are important things
and Adam says oh yeah I've seen like 20 counselors before and I'm like
dude that's a lot I was like any of them like really good or really
bad and he said I don't know I've never seen any of them more than probably a
few times so then I say so you mean if I see you like five times I'll know I'm
like the rock star counselor of the universe and he kind of smiled see
that's that casual coming back in so I'm just trying to get this wall to come
down and so this step three is actually being interested in what the person is
telling you so I might say something like twenty counselors dude you should
be writing reviews or something you could be like a secret shopper of
counselors and so say something funny and casual take whatever they give you
and if you're interested in it it can turn into something a little bigger and
you'll get along I said well he haven't been particularly good and he's like no
and then he's like well this last lady I saw like she was pretty good but now my
parents won't even let me go back to her and I was like dude like the
only one counselor of 20 that you actually could have maybe liked and they
made you quit to come see me he's like yeah so I'm leaning into the resistance here
I'm being interested in what he's saying I'm being casual in my interaction
Let's time out right here cuz I know you're thinking okay amber
why are we going through detail by detail by detail about what's going on
in your session with Adam because these are the essential elements at getting
someone to take their wall down and you can take these elements that I'm giving you and
adapt them to your situation and if you'll do these things
I'm saying it will work in pretty much any situation it doesn't even have to be
trying to talk to someone in denial about drug or alcohol problems these
steps will work to get someone to take their wall down and actually listen to
you and like you and trust you and want to know what you have to say about
things so you can use this with friends you can use this with your addicted
loved one you can use this with your stubborn teenager I'm telling you these
are really simple things you can do that definitely work okay so let's get back
to Adam so the sessions going on and Adam proceeds to tell me why he doesn't
need to be in office and why like it's just ridiculous and his parents are over
controlling and he just smokes a little pot and like what's the
problem so I'm listening and I'm being curious and I'm just asking some
questions I'm kind of feeling around I usually say when I ask questions it's
almost like when you go to dr. and you're laying on the table and they kind of like
touch you in all these places and they're waiting for you to wince ask you
a question about your mom your dad at school I'm kind of waiting because you
can tell when you kind of hit that button and I'm like alright this is the
spot I need to focus on for a minute so I'm kind of listening and I'm doing my thing
and I'm asking these questions and it eventually comes around to talking about
the fact that he can't get his driver's license which means he can't get a car
and drive unless he passes a drug test and so I'm like okay here it is
now I've got a problem that he's identified that he wants to solve and he
is motivated to be able to drive he may not be motivated to stop smoking weed
but he is motivated to be able to drive so you need to put that little note put
a little flag on it in the back of your head and just hold it there don't do
anything with it yet and so then I say something like yeah I guess life would
be a lot easier if you could drive right he's like yeah cuz then I could get a
job and I can make money and I can get out of this house which I hate and then
I say something like yeah it kind of sucks to be broke like having money
definitely means you can have a little bit more independence he says well I get
money now and I'm like oh how do you get money now he's like well like I sell stuff at
school and I'm like like you sell drugs like we're we talking about he's like
nah I sell like candy and stuff in sixth period cuz people are always hungry by
the time sixth period cones here's what I say I was like Dude, that's awesome
you're like a little businessman you're like a hustler I love a hustler
which is very true so that is step number four find something that they say
or that they're doing or they show you a reveal or whatever that you can say
something positive about that you really like or find interesting about them it
has to be genuine and so what I said to him was very genuine like I love a little
entrepreneur a little Salesman I'll see lots of them all day in the office and
for some reason I just like them I like that go getter and so I said that
and I could tell immediately when I gave that little piece of positive feedback
it was genuine he perked up a little bit he didn't want me to really see it but I
could tell it and so then I'm continuing this conversation I'm just sort of going
wherever he's leading and wherever whatever he throws out there I'll just
sort of go down that path a little bit and so eventually I can't even remember
exactly how but he started talking about his girlfriend's so I started asking questions
about her and I'm like well what's her name well how did you meet her well how long y'all
been together well she seems pretty cool and so once I got to the girlfriend
topic I could tell this actually was a topic that he did want to talk to
someone about because he actually was pretty forthcoming and eventually he was
telling me about this girlfriend and he's like and I really just don't even know what
to do about the situation I was like ding here it is light bulb this is the
cue that tells me okay like my window is open here like this is something this
kid actually would like to process and probably want some feedback on so I'm
listening I'm like well tell me more about situation well what's going on
what do you like about her what do you not and basically he ends up acknowledging that
because he smoked so much weed he didn't say it like this but this is
essentially the story he tells he smoke so much weed his girlfriend stays mad at
him all the time because he doesn't pay much attention to her and so he tells me
that and all of his little different ways I was like dude it kind of sounds
like you are a sucky boyfriend I'm a little bit feeling sorry for her now you
might be thinking why did you just say that was negative because giving a piece of
negative honest feedback can be an important part of the step so I'm gonna call
that step number five if I go at this person with all sunshine and rainbows
it's going to seem inauthentic it's going to seem fake it's going to seem like
I'm trying too hard or being needy so I'm gonna give them a
piece of feedback genuine feedback that's maybe something they
didn't expect to hear and when I said that he actually is like yeah I guess
you're kind of right sometimes I am and we kind of like laugh together because what
that does is it builds trust he knows I'm being authentic with him he
knows I'm not trying to blow smoke up his butt or whatever so you're not just
being all positive and cheerleader you're having a conversation with
someone where you are being interested where you're giving some positive
feedback and reinforcement where you're telling some truth in there but in a way
that's not overly critical so moving on with our Adam session so
then he starts to talk to me more about this whole dynamic fighting with his
parents and wanting to smoke weed and how his parents are the worse and other
people's parents aren't that bad and it's just ridiculous and he wants to be
able drive his car so I'm just listening and reflecting and asking questions and
being genuinely interested in the issue so the more he talks the more his wall
is coming down and I could tell he's warming up just a little bit in fact he
reaches up me get some candy out of my candy bowl so that tells me his guards down
enough that he's actually eating some candy and you got to be a little casual
to do that so secretly I'm thinking alright we're getting somewhere so step
number six is just practice basic active listening skills so it means they're
talking to you and you're just reflecting it back to them I can do a
whole video on active listening skills but for now I'm gonna say it's just
basically repeating it back so if he tells me like I try to do this and this
list it more I'm like man you try that it didn't work
I'm just almost like repeating and that really engages a person in the
conversation and they're gonna want to tell you more because they can tell
you're interested in the conversation that you're having with them now what
I'm gonna do here is I'm going to listen long enough to himn until I'm actually
looking for some little tiny problem that he has that I might can offer to
help easily or give him some kind of simple solution so he knows I'm aligned
with him like if he's missed a bunch of days I can say hey look I can totally write
you an excuse for today like this is medical they cannot hold it against you
I got you or whatever whatever kind of small little something that they have if
I can help them with that then they know I'm on their side
I'm aligned with them and we have some connection if
they complain about something that the parents do and that probably really is
kind of bounds I'm like hold up I got it I got Campbell on it
we're gonna fix this for you so I try to look for a little something that I can
help them with in your situation you might be thinking well I don't want to
enable them but this is a strategic move this isn't huge this is tiny this is
something that you're doing it's kind of a small favor that just says hey I care
about the difficulty you're having I want to be helpful to you and so it's
usually just a little small something no big deal but it helps them feel like you
got their back ok so now we're moving on to step number eight so after all this
happens the session is coming to an end and eventually I kind of stand up to
sort of cue the sessions over I'm like dude was that so bad he's like you know
it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be I was like so you come back to see me next
week and he's like yeah I'll be back I'll see you next week now obviously I
played it cool and just sort of walked him out but inside I was like oh yeah oh
yeah I got him he's coming back like cuz I knew I got that wall down just a
little bit which is the vital ingredient to dealing with someone in denial it's
building trust it's building credibility and then you walk away that's it but if
you're building this relationship you're doing what I'm telling you regularly and
steadily when you get your moment you're gonna give that piece of advice you're
going to help them in a way that they're going to listen to you they're gonna
care what you have to say they're gonna trust you and they're gonna take the
steps that you suggest I'm telling you it's like building credit at the bank so
that when you go up and you say and you want to cash in that credit you got
enough credit that the bank is gonna work with you that's what you're doing
here so these eight steps that I've taught you today connect pretty closely
to the craft method which is the method that we use to help get someone from in
denial into recovery whether that's to go to treatment or 12-step or whatever it is
it's the whole big process and I have several other videos on the craft method
I'm gonna link them up right here for you because you really need to watch
those next