So I've been doing stand-up
for 18 years.
And here's the thing, is that
you never know
where you’re going to perform at.
One of the,
one of the places
I perform at a lot
right now is on cruise lines.
So I actually work
three different cruise lines.
Is anybody here ever been
on a cruise line before?
Just on vacation.
[Audience Clapping]
You guys have.
Okay. Quite a few.
Very nice.
Sir in the very nice green polo
or gray polo.
What is your name, sir?
[Phillip]
Phillip.
Good energy.
I like it.
Do you remember the cruise line
you were on?
[Yes]
[Carnival]
Carnival?
Alright.
That's a
party ship.
All right, I dig that.
So here's the thing is
that I've become notorious
for being kind of a
bully on the ships
toward parents
who bring their kids
on their vacations.
I'm a huge jerk about it
because I think
you're doing nothing
but wasting your money
when you go on a vacation
with your children.
Does anybody here
look at your kids
and be like, “I wish
“we did not bring you.”
[Audience Laughing]
It's okay to laugh—
Oh! Country’s laughing.
Alright, now we're in the mix.
Alright, good.
[Audience Laughing]
It's the truth.
You parents listen,
as a parent, you love
your children,
but at the same time you
hate them also.
You don't want to deal with them.
So here's one of the situations
that really did it for me.
I was doing a
welcome aboard show
and I was goofing off
with everybody just like this. Right.
I'll ask your name,
I'll see how you’re doing,
the whole nine yards,
so we all get adjusted to
each other.
I see a mom and a dad
and their one son.
Their son is young.
He's probably like 11 years old
on this huge cruise ship.
And as I'm goofing off
with the parents,
they’re laughing.
They're having a fantastic time.
And I see that the son is not.
He's just sitting there, just
[Grunting and Groaning]
[Audience Laughing]
So, I see his face and immediately
I want to attack him.
Right.
So I'm like, oh,
[Audience Laughing]
I was like,
Oh, what's
your name, buddy?
He's like,
“Oh, don't talk to me.”
He said this
at the top of his,
top of his voice
in the theater
during a show.
And I was like,
Oh, bro, if I catch you
in an elevator,
[Audience Laughing]
it's over, right?
So I end up
finding out that his name is Justin.
His parents yelled it out
because they were embarrassed.
So finally I was like,
You know what?
He seems really stressed out
from paying for the cruise.
So I'm going to leave him alone.
So the very next day
we end up in Costa Maya, Mexico.
We pull up and, for those
who don't know it,
they put out a little bridge for you
to get off the ship onto dry land.
So, as I'm following
everybody in this line,
just by chance,
I end up behind this
same couple and their son.
And their son is being a total bully
at that moment.
And all he's doing is complaining
and complaining.
He's just like,
“Oh, this is so dumb.
[Groaning]
“I don't want to be here.
[Groaning]
“The Wi-Fi’s not working.
[Groaning]
“Why is there so much water?”
[Audience Laughing]
So, the one thing that did it for me
is that all of a sudden he goes,
“I told you I don’t want to be here.
“I hate you guys.”
And he runs off.
Now that bothered me.
So I walked over to the parents
when I got off the ship
and I was like,
Hey guys, are you okay?
And they recognize me
from the show.
They're like,
“Oh, Vince, the comedian, right?”
I was like, Yeah,
are you guys all right?
And the mom's like,
You know what?
No, we're not all right.
We saved a lot of money
to be on this cruise as a family.
And our son is being a jerk
and a bully.
He doesn't appreciate it,
and we just don't
know what to do.
So I was like, You
should let me help.
[Audience Laughing]
They’re like, “What do
“you want to do?”
I was like, Does it matter?
They're like, “No, no, no, let's go
“whatever you want to do.”
[Audience Laughing]
So I was like,
Alright, this is what
we’re going to do.
I was like,
Justin ran in that opposite
direction, correct?
They’re like, “Yes.”
I was like, You guys see that bar
going that way
away from him?
They're like, “Yeah.”
I was like, You go there,
put yourself in a position
where you can see us,
but we cannot see you.
They're totally amped up.
They're like, “Oh, we can't wait.
“Let's go.
“One, two, three, break.”
They're already all smiles.
[Audience Laughing]
They go into the bar
and Justin
is still running around in a circle,
yelling about his parents.
And the thing is, is that
he's very confident
cause he still thinks
he could see his parents.
That confidence is gone
once you don't realize
that your parents
are missing in action.
Right?
Because he's
still running around.
[Groaning] I don't want to be here.
[Groaning] I hate it here.
Doesn't see his parents.
Energy changes.
[Groaning]
[Audience Laughing]
[Groaning]
[Audience Laughing]
Then he starts to call
out to his parents
like he's a hurt baby seal.
He’s like, [Groaning]
Mom!
[Audience Laughing]
[Groaning]
Dad!
[Audience Laughing]
I see a single teardrop form
and start to fall down his cheek.
And I was like,
Oh, perfect.
His spirit is broken.
I'm going to go in for the kill.
[Audience Laughing]
So I swoop in.
I'm like,
Oh, here we go.
And I'm like, Oh, Justin,
are you okay, buddy?
He's like,
[Groaning]
“I told my parents,
“I don’t want to be here.
[Groaning]
“I hate them.”
I was like, Oh, man,
Did they not tell you
what happened?
Then he like,
“Ah. What do you mean?”
I was like, Do you see that
other cruise ship
that's pulling away?
[Audience Laughing]
I point at another cruise ship
that is pulling away
and, just by chance,
there’s a random
couple waving goodbye
to the crowd.
[Audience Laughing]
He thinks it’s his parents.
He's like, “Oh, my.
“No!”
[Audience Laughing]
He falls on the floor
crying hysterically.
His parents come out of the bar
laughing hysterically.
Sixty dollars cash.
Two shots of tequila.
It was the best morning
I’ve ever had.
[Audience Laughing]
That’s what I’m saying.
[Audience Clapping]
Has anybody here ever gone for a
professional massage?
Professional.
Being very specific.
Okay. Quite a few.
[Audience Clapping]
What is your name, sir?
[Zach]
Zach.
Nice to meet you,
Zach, do you remember
what kind of massage
you received?
[Just a sports massage]
Sports massage?
[Audience Laughing]
Was it like a deep tissue, maybe?
Okay, yeah. Sports massage,
I was like, that sounds illegal.
[Audience Laughing]
So, yeah, yeah
He said it was a good workout?
You're going to get me fired.
[Audience Laughing]
So here's the thing,
is that working on the cruise ships,
once again,
is that you're working
with, with other clients
and other customers
that are international
all across the board.
So there was a point
where I decided
I wanted to go for a massage,
but there's only
certain days while you're
working on the ship
that you can go for a massage.
So I go up and I schedule
myself for one
and I'm amped up
because when I go up there,
there's beautiful women
of all different nationalities
working the front desk.
There's South African,
there's Indian,
there's Filipina,
there's Filipina.
[Audience Laughing]
So I set myself
up for back massage.
They’re like, “Come back at 2:00.”
I go back at 2:00 excited
because I'm under the assumption
that one of these
ladies
is going to be
the massager.
Indian lady walks out.
I was like,
Ma'am, are you here
for the back massage?
She's like, “No, no.
“The next one.”
Little Filipina lady walks out.
I was like, “Ma'am, are you here
“for the back-y, back-y,
“rub-y, rub-y?”
She's like, “No, no, no.
“The next one.”
Then all of a sudden,
this six foot four Serbian guy
walks out
[Audience Laughing]
named Vlad. And Vlad
has paperwork in his hands,
and he's like,
“I am looking for ‘Wince.’”
[Audience Laughing]
I was like, I'm Jose.
I don't know who—
[Audience Laughing]
No matter who you are or
where you're from,
every once in a while
you run into somebody
having a bad day.
It's just bound to happen, right?
Zach, just one more time,
what do you do for a living,
brother?
[Sell software]
Sell software?
Hardware or software?
[Software]
It's just software.
Okay.
If somebody is having a bad day
and they're giving you
their bad-day attitude,
how would you describe them?
[Audience Laughing]
Be mindful.
This is a clean show.
[Upset]
[Frustrated]
Okay, good.
That was a struggle
right there. Good.
Good thing
you're into software
because the hardware
is not going.
[Audience Laughing]
You almost shorted out
Ah! Can't compute.
[Audience Laughing]
So here's the thing, is that
I was actually,
I was in New York.
I had a run of six shows
in three days.
Had a fantastic time,
but it's time for me to go home.
So I'm on my way to the airport.
More specifically,
LaGuardia Airport.
As I am walking into the airport,
there's an announcement over
the P.A. system.
And it goes,
“Ladies and gentlemen,
“there's a bad storm
“coming to our direction.
“But if you get onto
“the plane very quickly
“and very organized,
“you can take off on time
“and get you home.”
Which is what you want to hear
when you're ready to go home.
But as we all know,
when you're getting onto a plane,
there's always one
goofball jamming
something unnecessary
into the overhead.
Right.
Stolen money,
I assume,
probably from the software.
[Audience Laughing]
I had one such
gentleman on my flight and
because of him,
ended up having a three
hour delay on top of a three
and a half hour flight.
And if you don't know this, once
you load onto a plane,
you can't unload.
You have to stay in the plane
the entire time.
So 2 hours into the delay,
I need to use the restroom.
And the flight
attendant on my flight
was having a bad day
and decided that I
was the grand prize winner
of her miserable attitude.
Because the moment
I stood up she was very rude
and a little racist.
I don't know how she guessed
that I was Puerto Rican.
I'm not sure if it was
the flag tattooed on
my forearm or
[Audience Laughing]
my well-done eyebrows, but
[Audience Laughing]
I don't like the extra laughs
for the eyebrows, people.
[Audience Laughing]
Supposed to be two.
How dare you?
[Audience Laughing]
So the moment I stood up,
this lady jumped all over me.
The moment I got up,
she was like,
“Sir, sir, sir.
“Señor?
[Audience Laughing]
“Amigo.
“Juan.
“Jose.
“Jesus,
“anything that starts with a J.
[Audience Laughing]
“It doesn't matter, sir.
“Can you see me, sir?
”Can you hear me?
“Can you see me?
“Do you see this little seatbelt
“sign up here?
“The little click it or ticket?
“The little boom.
“Can you hear it? Boom.
“I know your
“people know that sound.
“Yo quiero Taco Bell.
“Boom!
“Sit down.”
[Audience Laughing]
Now, I've never been spoken to
so ignorantly before.
But she was so
mean and rude to me.
I felt
it's only proper
[Audience Laughing]
to be mean and rude to her
in return.
And I wanted to ruin her day
the exact same way
she just ruined mine.
But the only thing
I could think of to do
because I’m a psycho
was to stare
this woman in her face
and with as much seriousness
as possible. Just go.
[speaks as if deaf]
I can’t hear you.
[Audience Laughing]
The entire plane was like,
[Gasping and Yelling]
[Audience Laughing]
I started getting other
people involved
I was like,
[speaks as if deaf]
Write your name.
[Audience Laughing]
You need to write it
down ma’am.
She was mortified.
She's like,
“Oh my,
“I'm going to get fired.”
And I was like,
[speaks as if deaf]
“Yeah, you are.”
[Audience Laughing]
You guys are all going
to hell with me.
I love it.
[Audience Laughing]