G'day aj mahari here borderline's use you borderlines untreated people the patterns
of BPD maybe not diagnosed but obviously who are showing you all those patterns and interpersonal
relationship and possibility and communication and possibility and they Borderlands use people
and not the same way as narcissists at the end of the day it doesn't really matter to you because
it is so painful and people you know in the idealization phase it's an unconscious setup
right and it really happens between borderlines and codependence because people with codependency
have been their own reasons not known to them not understanding maybe never having
heard of BPD when you first get into these the relationship but the thing is so these people
they show you that and they're just trying their best to actually
seem interested in you and and and you're almost like a quote new toy at that point
and and because they're so childlike emotionally so they're trying to do something adult and get in
this relationship with you but then they struggle more with all the trigger just regulated emotions
of their lack of emotional development so they really aren't capable of healthy love consistently
or congruently or age-appropriately and they don't really attach to you people with BPD
are using you and and why is that the case and what am I talking about well because many times
it won't feel like that and then there might be times when it really absolutely feels like that
but you don't maybe want to know that you don't want to take that in you meet a lot of people
are still denying that right you're still looking for that person who you thought they were you're
still looking for those good times or intermittent Good Times whether that was in the idealization
phase before the first split evaluation or not but you know signs that people with BPD are using you
they want what they want when they want it and they have to have whatever it is they want from
you when they want it and it doesn't matter how much you give to the borderline it's not going to
satiate them it might make something a bit better here and there but like you're losing yourself in
the process so a lot of people have codependency and are with people with BPD and keep denying your
own feelings suppressing your own feelings your own needs your own wants maybe you don't think
about it maybe you're in denial still but like you know so many people in these relationships with
people with BPD largely when they're untreated but they have to be really significantly treated
they people are denying or just somehow losing yourself to the suppressing of your feelings and
your needs walking on those eggshells always trying to get the borderline what they need
or be their emotion regulation tool or validate them trying to walk on all those eggshells so
they won't go off or give his silent human so they won't have the borderline toddler tantrum
which unfortunately people with BPD have a loss of self unstable identity and for some really no
sense of identity and that all gets put onto you so they're unconsciously seeking identity
through you they experience you as maybe good parent never had for a while or off and on when
they're getting what they want like young children so therefore you're there to meet all their needs
to quote try to make them happy unquote they're not really ever happy that doesn't really work
there's no mutuality in all of this so how is it that you can deny some people still are in denial
that they actually loved you and attached to you and and it was so great and everything because
essentially without that mutuality reciprocity where's the borderline when you need something
you give you give you give you try to validate you capitulate to their Tantrums because you
just want peace and for it to be okay again though it's never really okay because you're
negating yourself so as a borderline is using you at infinitum in these relationships in all
kinds of ways not necessarily consciously not the same way that people many narcissists use people
but more and more I'm hearing from clients that you know people with BPD are rather transactional
too I've heard from clients more recently like the last three to five years even that they have had
they've been with somebody with BPD that will actually describe and when they're angry and
they'll just say stuff it's like whether they're aware or not they're kind of hitting the truth
like well you know you always want this or that or the other thing and I don't know what to do or
something like that and they'll say like you know I just you might confront them with something or
try to present a conversation about something and they'll just say well you know I don't know what
you're talking about but I am who I am and they don't know who they are and that's just a way
that I roll and um yeah I might do things so if you if you said to them I feel like you're just
transacting with me I feel like you love me do you see me do you hear me do you care about me
they might say oh I know I kind of like relate in a transactional way but it works for me or if you
ask them something else then if they acknowledge what you've said versus just fighting you tooth
and now then they'll say and and then getting into accusations and all kinds of stuff they'll just
say well yeah I might be a little bit like that or uh whatever but they don't apologize and if they
if they have any awareness to to use the words that you've used or or the major word in your
sentence they'll just try to justify it by saying but that's just me that's just normal I've had so
many clients over the years where you know they have a parent or a family member or best friend or
somebody unfortunately pass away or you know meet with a really horrible accident kind of shocking
things and Etc losses right and other types of losses or stressors in their lives who are with
somebody with BPD where's the borderline when that happens in your life they're nowhere to be found
because they don't know how to cope with their own emotions with unhealed past with the loss of self
they don't respect you they really don't listen to you they really don't hear you maybe the odd time
but see borderlines now too are breadcrumbing in their own way and borderlines give you
sometimes you know they might just be in a better emotional place but they're getting
what they want and then they'll breadcrumb you too and it's not the same as the way narcissists
do but people BPD are now breadcrumbing and they give the intermittent reinforcement not maybe in
the way that many people would describe narcissists calculatingly do this stuff
but again it doesn't really matter so they don't respect you they really don't understand you
because they're so busy trying to make sure that you understand them and if you're not giving them
what they want at any moment in time then you don't love them you don't understand them you
don't care about them and why can they go from one minute seemingly like everything's so okay
and it's about love and the relationship and the next thing is like well you just said this
you just did that all those red herrings right and that means you don't love me and you don't
care about me borderlines use people and I don't know that that is always I think for
many people BP is not conscious it's coming out of the arrested emotional development whereby
no matter how intelligent they are on the IQ they are still like young children looking to a parent
outside of the bedroom type thing right for everything else like
well you know if we're going to move in together um yeah your house is this or that or the other
they'll put it down and everything and they'll say well I think like we need a new house so they'll
expect like I've had clients where you know this they bought a new house to be with the borderline
everything you know they thought it was going to work out but often when the borderline wants to
move in in a hurry or get married real quick they put up those red herring obstacles like I want
a new house which might be an obstacle for some people maybe some people can afford to go do that
but it's always due for them do for them do for them as if you're like trying to prove yourself
to them but you can't so people entreated with BPD are not mutual not reciprocal they don't care they
don't have space and time with all there is to do I'm not making an excuse for this they're so busy
inside of their own self-absorption and selfish ways not always intentionally or purposefully
of trying to deal with all their own emotions and all that they don't know about themselves
and the fact that they don't know themselves uh so like what do you mean that you said whatever
cause if it if it isn't what they want to hear but isn't what they want right then they're just gonna
red herring at home in an attack accuse you call you names because they're just trying they need
control they need to externalize control and they're externalizing control in a entitled
um entitled and sometimes exploited way of just gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme consciously or
unconsciously and the codependent is externalizing out the need to give to win approval that kind
of thing so it's like you give you give you give you give they take they take they take they take
but they don't respect you and if you go to them with your needs or you try to have these
conversations about well this that the other thing and I don't feel heard of seen or you
know you want to buy oh you want to buy a new house we'll move in together and you want to
go on a trip but we're having trouble relating to each other so you might try to say well I'm
finding it difficult to kind of talk to you you know or I'm not feeling hurt by you and they'll
just like be like what's your problem and you're like wait a minute maybe we need to work on how
we're communicating before we buy a house or go on that trip you want to go on or whatever
it is and then when you say that they're like well you're just because they're not getting
what they want so like a toddler really they're feeling inside but they will say something like
well you just sabotaging this relationship you don't love me you don't care about me meanwhile
even that statement you don't care about me is projection because they really don't care about
you they care about your validation they care about what you can do for them they care about
not being alone they care about not having to be alone with the abyss of the feelings inside that
they have anyways when triggered to dysregulated emotion even in a relationship with you and then
as most people know you know if you try to talk about how you feel or what you need it
ends up in a jade quote conversation which is justify argue Depend and explain and you're the
one that does all the justifying the arguing the defending and the explaining well the person with
BPD just keeps saying I don't even talking about you out of your mind I didn't do this I didn't do
that why do you think people with BPD can ghost and discard so easily whether they come back or
not over and over how can they monkey branch and they don't all do this but many how do they do it
so easily and so often was seemingly No Remorse and no apologies right because they're not really
attached they don't really know what love is and they're using you and this is a real base
I'm not saying they're doing it like narcissist I'm not saying it's calculated but some of them
will become aware of this at a certain point in time like I had a client told me a while ago
that yeah their person with BPD said well yeah I know I kind of transact in relating but you know
that's just the way I am it's always like take it or leave it but oh don't abandon them right it's
it's always that I hate you don't leave me it's it's the closer uh closer apart thing it's uh
get away closer is what I was trying to say as well and so but but the closeness some
of that might be physically intimately real but even then sometimes they get triggered
to emotional dysregulation and they can age regress to a young child in the middle of
and so what do you think about if you were used by somebody with BPD whether you're still in that
relationship whether you still want them back you know try to suspend the good half of the cognitive
dissonance and look at the negativity and how it's impacted you and hurt you the negative
aspect of things the quote bad half of The Ledger and do you think that you've been used
or do you think it's like all just some kind of accident and because you know how often
people beat people say well you didn't do this you didn't do that you just said oh how dare you say
that because you don't care about me and you don't understand me oh the borderline narrative you you
all just don't understand us you're all wrong but we don't do this that and the other thing
well they're always seeking your understanding apparently and everything they can get from
you but when you ask for 10 seconds worth of understanding they're like
what like I always understand what do you mean you never understand me which is obviously a
projection but they do this often inserting the red herrings if you haven't seen it check out
my video red hair and fallacy maybe I'll try to put it under this video also the communication
deficits and impairments that are really part of borderline personality disorder because these
people are not emotionally mature until unless they get so far down the road in treatment as to
almost be in a recovery or beyond what would just be called a remission place so I don't know what
that means anyways it's a medical term so do you feel like you were used by somebody with BPD can
you see that now are you still denying that do you realize that they really don't know how to
love and they really can't attach to you if they haven't had significant treatment even when they
will say the opposite and they will say they do love you and they will believe they love
you and they will believe they're attached to you but they're really still using you as that
parent figure unconsciously that they need me need from so people with BPD often you know
even when you might see something tender or you think it's positive or something good from them
they're interdependent needy kind of emotional place and it's still more about them than it
is about you so there's no mutuality there's no reciprocity from people with BPD there's
no really uh achieved emotional intimacy that lasts that's usually a big push-pull situation
and people with BPD untreated or not well treated at the core they have the approach
avoidance conflict and that takes a long time to work through in therapy and and they can only work
through that in therapy so although people with BPD out there will still continue and they're
not all the same but many people out there with BPD who might well fit what I'm describing here
they're using people and not always consciously there's more things being reported to me by
clients than ever before about people with BPD breadcrumbing what is essentially breadcrumbing
people with BPD their intermittent reinforcement how that happens it's not really as calculated
but what does that look like what is that doing to you how does that how does borderline intermittent
reinforcement hit your codependent want and need for everything to be okay so hit your denial about
all but it's not really okay they're communication deficits they don't know who they are they don't
love they don't attach they're using you they need you and you can only please them or get anything
not childlike tantromy sort of devaluing and ghosting and all this stuff from them
if you're giving them even a modicum of what they want but often no matter how much you
give them it's not satiating their needs their neediness and it's not your fault but they need
more they want more they need more they want more they're trying to escape their own incredible
dysregulated emotion that sometimes many with BPD show out right in in very volatile ways and the
quiet borderlines don't but what do you think about what I'm saying here because borderlines
use people and they're not giving back all that you're giving to them they don't even
really give back 10 percent of the 90 let's say that the average codependent tries to give to the
person with BPD and why is it you can never really make them happy maybe only for a few minutes or
a half a day and then you're not really making them happy but they're getting something that
kind of soothes them calms them and works for them but the second that they don't feel that
anymore because that will go away rather quickly then all of a sudden they're angry with you again
or you get close and then they pick a fight to get away or they give you the silent treatment
wouldn't any and all of that and more says that they love you that they're attached to you that
they care about you that they see you that they respect you they don't they're using you