But clearly, Donald Trump is the winner of Thanksgiving.
He's got so much to be thankful for.
He ran his campaign the way he wanted.
Lots of people want to give him high fives.
And he was elected president,
which means all those time travelers clearly failed.
Oh, on top of all of that,
he'll also be the first commander-in-chief
who's doing "president" as his part-time job.
WOMAN:
businesses and his presidency are already sparking talks
of a constitutional crisis.
The question arises,
ho
potentially conflicting with the national interests
of the United States?
That's a very good question.
A question you'd think would be answered
after a 17-month campaign, a hundred debates
and 12 billion hours of press coverage.
(chuckling): But, I mean...
we spent all that time on e-mails, so, I mean...
We know so much about e-mails now-- have you noticed that?
We know about IMAP, we know about POP3,
BleachBits, and every type of server.
Hell, we even know the shape and general size
of Anthony Weiner's dick.
But we don't know... we know almost nothing
about where Trump's money is. (laughs loudly)
-(laughter) -We... (speaking indistinctly)
(whooping, applause)
What we do know, what we do know is that Trump definitely plans
on making more.
NEWSWOMAN:
entertained a group of foreign diplomats,
marketing the new hotel's exclusive hotel's
exclusive Townhouse suite.
Cost per night: $20,000.
The Secret Service is considering renting
an entire floor of Trump Tower to set up a command post
for protecting Donald Trump and his family
when they're in New York-- this is a plan that would cost
about a million and a half dollars a year
just to rent a floor of Trump Tower.
Wow, that's kind of a dick move, man.
You're gonna charge rent
to the people who are there to keep
You're making a profit off the Secret Service?
You know, if one of them takes a bullet for Trump,
he's probably gonna charge them for his dry cleaning bill.
He'll be like, "You got blood on my suit,
"and this suit was made in China, okay?
You got to pay. You're gonna pay."
(applause)
How can you do that? I wouldn't be shocked
if the Secret Service gave Trump a (bleep) nickname.
Slum Lord is on the move. Slum Lord is on the move.
By the way, don't do that, Secret Service.
(quietly): Do it.
Now, uh, in a normal administration,
the president making money off the Secret Service
would be a monumental scandal
that would dominate the news for weeks.
They would probably make an HBO show about it,
or at least a Showtime one-- the point is,
Paul Giamatti would be in it and it would be amazing.
But for Trump, that story doesn't even make
the front page news, because just in the last two weeks,
President-Elect Trump has been on the phone with world leaders
every single day-- and it seems like Trump's eye
is not necessarily on the right ball.
For instance, in Argentina,
Trump's companies have been struggling
to get their permits for their hundred million-dollar,
35-story tower in Buenos Aires, right?
So when Argentina's president called Trump
to congratulate him on his victory,
Trump just coincidentally handed the phone to his daughter,
who will now be overseeing his real estate businesses.
Oh, just out of the blue.
Just be like, "Oh, and I appreciate...
"Oh, look at that. It's Ivanka, folks.
"Oh-ho! What are the chances?
"Oh, now, if you'll
"I insist you two
-Tower." -(laughter)
In fact, it seems like every time
Trump has a conversation with a foreign official,
it somehow includes the business of Trump.
NEWSMAN:
with the Scottish government over a wind farm
just offshore ruining the view,
a fight he lost less than a year ago.
NEWSMAN:
he met with British politician Nigel Farage,
who helped lead the Brexit movement,
and did they discuss wind farms again?
Just today, Trump told
What do you mean, you "might have brought it up"?
This is a question about international relations,
and he responds like a character from a Jane Austen novel.
"I
A lady never tells." (high-pitched giggling)
(applause)
Why... why is the president-elect
of the United States stressed about the view
from his Scottish golf course?
You're the president!
Focus, Donald! Focus!
Jobs! ISIS! The economy!
-Focus! -(laughter)
Most people see president as their end goal.
Trump is like, "Now that I'm president,
I can finally be a successful businessman!"
-(laughter, applause) -What are you doing? Focus!
And look, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying
Trump shouldn't make that paper,
but at least put America's interests first.
Because at this rate, U.S. foreign policy
might be determined by where Trump happens to have a hotel.
It's like the whole world's a Monopoly board
and Trump's like, "Syria, it's fine.
"I don't have a hotel there. Russia, you can roll again.
You can roll again." I mean, the guy was on a call
with the president of Turkey, and he still found the time
to slip in a good word for his Istanbul business partner.
Now-now, here's the thing,
if Erdogan is nice to Trump's business partner,
there's a good chance that Trump will owe Erdogan in return.
Which is not good, for two reasons.
One, no one wants to picture Trump and Erdogan
scratching each other's backs.
And two, if you owe President Erdogan a personal favor,
the favor he calls in, could be for the U.S.
to stop supporting his enemies in the Kurdish militia,
which are America's most effective ally
in the fight against ISIS.
So Trump's Turkish skyscraper
could end up hampering the battle
against Middle East terrorists.
And, by the way, if you think foreign leaders haven't noticed
where Trump's head is at, well, think again.
TV REPORTER:
had already named Mr. Trump's business partner in Manila
as a special envoy to the United States.
TV REPORTER:
to Philippine real estate magnate, Jose. E.B. Antonio,
who has been appointed the country's envoy to the U.S.
Mr. Antonio is also building Trump Towers Manila in Makati.
Oh, would you look at that?
The man who Trump needs to build his towers in the Philippines
is now coming to Washington asking for favors from America.
Yeah. So don't be shocked when Trump goes against Obama
and says Duterte can go on killing people in the streets,
because then Trump will be like, yeah, you're making a killing,
I'm making a kill, we're good.
-We're good. -(audience exclaiming)
Being president of the United States
is already the hardest job in the world.
You don't need somebody who's distracted
by picking curtains for his newest tower.
And I've picked curtains; that (bleep) is hard.
It is so hard, 'cause you have to pick more than the thing
than the space and then there's, like, the one that does that,
and then there's the hooks, and if you get the hooks,
and then you're like, I didn't know the hooks
were supposed to go on-- and then the thing's falling,
and you're like, I should have got blinds.
(laughter)
-It so hard, it's so hard. -(laughter and applause))
But all of these things Trump is doing.
Just-just think about this, think about this.
If, God forbid, if, God forbid, somebody decided to attack
one of the Trump Towers in the world,
is that an attack on the hotel?
Or is that now an attack on America?
Think about it.
Because the hotel is owned by the president of America.
And you know that Trump would react to it.
The guy melts down if someone insults him on Twitter.
Is he going to invade the Middle East
because someone (bleep) in his lobby?
Because I'll tell you now, I would.
I'll tell that you straight up. I'll tell you.
If I had nuclear weapons, and you (bleep) in my lobby,
I hope you (bleep) good, because that's gonna be the last (bleep)
anyone in your country ever takes.
I'm coming for you man, don't (bleep) in my lobby.
Sorry, sorry. You know what I mean, though.
Look, the point is, having a president
who's trying to run businesses all over the world
not only makes for a less focused president,
but people who voted for Trump said they wanted someone
who would run America like a business.
More and more though, it seems like voters got someone
who is running America for
Maybe you should put that on a hat.