'Ah'
'Ohhhhhhh'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
'On Planet Zeeba far from inside the moving galaxy, a decontrolled robot assassinated the omnipotent Balaza.'
We’re looking at the final part of the Starman series Evil Brain from Outer Space
'The creature who can disguise himself as an earthling.'
'He is the creature known as Starman!'
And this does require a little explanation.
‘I want you to tell me the story’
Starman was originally a nine part series of short features made in Japan about a character called Super Giant,
'I know and I will try to save the planet earth son.'
for no obvious reason, since he’s normal sized
Maybe it’s a reference to his padded crotch
Anyway, the series was bought by a US company which re-edited them into 4 films
of which Evil Brain from Outer Space is, arguably, the worst
‘That’s true’.
A council of aliens who communicate through oddly repetitive sign language
'Other planet such as they will become uninhabitable.'
meets to decide how to save the universe from the evil brain of Balazar
'The high council agrees there is only one way in which to achieve this.’
They must do the YMCA.
And send Starman to earth where the brain has fetched up in a suitcase
‘The brain!’
Butter fingers.
‘I was trying to bring the brain here to you Dr Sakurai because it’s imperative it be destroyed.
It won’t be easy; it’s indestructible’
That will make it more difficult.
‘We’re all going to be killed!’
Luckily Starman shows up
to track down the bad guys
‘You are to proceed to the area and seek a monster’
and that really shouldn’t be hard as, despite what they think
‘The police don’t suspect me at all. They will be no problem’
these are the most obvious bad guys ever.
Some of them just look suspicious
others display more prominent ‘bad guy traits’; the one legged hobo
The scarred Doctor.
and of course the wheelchair bound man with weird facial hair and an eagle on his shoulder
'Do not trust anything he might say.'
Nothing in his appearance suggesting that he might be a supervillain
as he rolls about his handicapped-accessible fortress
Why did you bother with the lift? Lazy bastard
'Have you seen anything suspicious tonight?'
Long story short, mutants show up
and after a number of lengthy fight scenes pitched somewhere between the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
and an interpretive dance troupe...
Balazar’s brain turns out to be a lot less indestructible than he might have hoped
Job done, without any real jeopardy ...
except that created by the intrusive voiceover trying to cover up the gaps left by the editing process
‘This is no real doctor, this is a zimerian mutant’
Now, on the one hand, you’ve got to give this film a certain amount of leeway
because it’s been messed about a lot and it is for kids
‘Now why are you children out so late?’
'That's big secret.'
Which makes that padded crotch all the more disturbing
‘You’ll be safe children. The aliens will never come here again.’
On the other hand inflicting this pile of crap on even the most irritating of kids is tantamount to child abuse!
‘You are lying. Stop’
Maybe it would have made more sense if I’d watched the other films
‘It really doesn’t matter’
Something I’m really not going to do now.
'I must return to the emerald planet, i bid you all farewell friends.'
if you have a film you want use to review, leave a comment below.