So as he mentioned,
I am from Florida.
I live in Florida now,
but I used to live in poverty.
(audience laughing)
But now I do comedy, so I just live
in a Buick.
(audience laughing)
The Buick's cool, though.
It's like driving your grandparent's
living room, you know, like, if it
were covered in Gatorade bottles
and Chick fil A sauce.
(audience laughing)
Speaking of my grandparents' living
room, I told him it would make me
a lot more comfortable if they
actually put some of their plates
behind me
and just sprayed them green.
Yeah.
(audience applauding)
Dry Bar is very accommodating.
I appreciate that.
(audience laughing)
My Buick's not clean.
It does have a certain smell.
And I'll tell you, the first time I
actually had a date
or I had a girl in my Buick,
she's like, "You put the ick
"in Buick.
(audience laughing)
"Can't we just go to your house?"
And I was like, we're here!
(audience laughing)
Because I live in a Buick, sir.
Remember yet?
OK, cool.
(audience laughing)
(guitar playing)
So I brought my guitar.
- Woo!
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I brought my uncle too.
That's cool.
(audience laughing)
This-- you know, it's funny.
A lot of people say, "Donny,
"is that a child's guitar?"
I'm like, no.
I mean, not anymore.
(audience laughing)
(guitar playing)
That's a joke about theft, guys.
(audience laughing)
(guitar playing)
Actually, this is a regular size
guitar.
I've just been working out.
(audience laughing)
Don't worry about that, all right?
But yeah, I actually--
I'm going to play some music
for you guys.
Is that OK if I play a little bit
of music?
All right.
Cool, cool.
I'm going to do it.
So sir, what is your favorite type
of music?
- Modern pop.
- OK, modern pop.
He said modern pop.
Here we go.
OK, what's your second favorite type
of music?
(audience laughing)
I'm not a big Katy Perry listener.
OK.
So you said country.
OK, country-- oh you know that one
song, drunk on you,
but I'm high on summertime?
You know?
- [Audience member] Oh yeah.
- Yeah, in Florida,
we call that heat exhaustion.
(audience laughing)
High on summertime, guys.
Come on.
So what's your third type of music
buddy?
(audience laughing)
I heard rap.
I think he said rap.
- Rap.
Awesome, cool.
They can edit the rest out that's
nice.
So rap-- actually, I listened
to Snoop Dogg the other day.
It wasn't even a song.
It was actually a commercial.
He came on.
He's like, "Yo, yo, yo.
"This is Snoop D-O double G.
"And I'm here to talk to you
"about ED."
(audience laughing)
Did Snoop Dogg just say ED?
He's like, "yeah, baby."
Because I have like a really
personalized Pandora.
You guys will get that later OK.
(audience laughing)
So I was like, ED, what's that?
He said, "elderly diapers.
(audience laughing)
"So much drama in the LBC.
"It's kind of hard when I can't
"control my peepee.
(audience laughing)
"So if your pizzle lost the sizzle
"and your wizzle starts to drizzle,
"get Snoop drawers because leaking
"ain't easy.
"Am I right?"
(audience applauding)
Some of you were acting like you
don't know what I'm talking about.
And that's fun, man.
That's fun.
Oh my gosh.
OK, here we go, guys.
So this next one-- you know,
I'm thinking what's going to happen
next?
We have Eminem for blood sugar.
(guitar playing)
After spaghetti, check your blood
sugar already.
(audience laughing)
(guitar playing)
If you had one shot of insulin,
would you take it?
I think you would have to take it.
I didn't know how many diabetics
there were in Provo.
This is crazy.
(audience laughing)
I mean, they gave you a buffet
of gummy bears and Skittles
in the back, but I don't--
I don't get it.
(guitar playing)
This next one's fun.
You guys are going to like this.
This is Little John.
Yeah!
What?
Oh, OK!
And that's for Miracle Ear.
Miracle Ear, guys.
(audience laughing)
It's because he yells like he can't
hear you.
(audience laughing)
So everybody knows Tupac's not dead.
He's in the Caribbean with Elvis.
They're hanging out.
Yeah.
For those of you who don't know who
Tupac, it's Harry Connick Jr.'s dad.
(audience laughing)
That doesn't make logical sense,
man.
You're right, man.
You go to school.
(guitar playing)
So Tupac-- yeah, but you know,
I think he is hanging out
with Elvis.
We all remember Elvis.
You know, he had a lot
of famous songs.
(guitar playing)
You put your right foot in, baby.
You put your right foot out.
This is actually for restless legs
syndrome.
(audience laughing)
Because I'm all shook up.
Oh.
(audience laughing)
(guitar playing)
Ho ho, thank you, baby.
(audience laughing)
Let's talk about something everyone
can relate to-- love songs.
Let's talk about love songs.
Any fans of love songs?
By round of applause.
(audience applauding)
OK, cool.
So everybody else is just dead
inside.
That's.
(audience laughing)
Well, I want to share some
of my favorite love songs.
And here we go.
(guitar playing)
Feel free to clap along.
(audience clapping)
OK, OK, OK, please stop clapping.
That was way off beat.
That was like a one legged Irishman
doing the river dance.
That was-- but actually, I did
hear--
you, sir.
Actually-- no, you, sir.
You were on beat, though.
So nobody clap, just you.
(guitar playing)
Don't leave me hanging, bro.
Come on.
Here we go.
(guitar playing)
OK, now it just feels forced, OK?
(audience laughing)
I want you to want to clap, OK?
OK.
No, thank you, sir.
I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
What is your name?
- Karl.
I appreciate it.
Give it up for Karl.
He's loving the show tonight.
He's being a very good sport.
(audience applauding)
I like you, Karl.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
This first one, this first love
song, is about my very first love.
We used to have lunch together
every day in elementary school.
Here we go.
My baloney has a first name.
It's O-S-C-A-R.
All right, don't get ahead of me,
sir.
Please.
Thank you.
Let's see.
Ma'am, in the back--
yes, you.
Or-- are you there?
Hello.
Hi.
Oh, OK.
Yes.
So ma'am, what is your name?
- Emily.
- Emily, OK.
So Emily, actually, I still
run into my old first love
in the grocery store occasionally.
OK, Emily, right?
Emily, here we go.
My baloney has a second name.
It's-- did you spell your own name?
Give it up for Emily.
She just spelled her own name.
(audience applauding)
Emily, that was very cute
but grossly incorrect.
It's M-E-Y-E-R. It's Oscar Meyer.
Yeah, that's OK.
That's OK.
I mean, it can't be all about you,
Emily, OK?
(audience laughing)
Millennials, am I right, guys?
Come on.
(audience laughing)
I do have some participation
trophies in my Buick
if you guys need some validation.
So back to the love songs--
actually, this one did make
a big impression on me growing up.
Here we go.
Girl,
Hot Pockets.
I'm in love with Hot Pockets.
All right, so I'm actually going
to do an exercise.
I do this with good audiences,
but you guys are going to have
to do.
So I just-- for real, this is a fun
exercise.
So I'm going to ask you to name
a love song.
I'm going to play and sing it,
and I'm going to prove that all love
songs are creepy, OK?
So just go ahead and name any love
song.
This is going to go really well
for my special.
Thank you guys.
- "Endless Love."
- What's that?
"Endless Love."
- OK, I just heard Lionel Richie,
"Hello."
(guitar playing)
Hello.
Is it me you're looking for?
(guitar playing)
I can see it in your eyes.
(guitar playing)
I can see it in your window.
(guitar playing)
Hello, I'm people watching.
(audience cheering)
All right, I'll give you guys one
more shot, one more
shot, because I like you.
And I like you especially, sir,
Karl.
I like Karl the most.
All right, so I want to hear
another love song.
Name any love song.
I'm going to prove that it's creepy.
Here we go.
- "Still the One."
- Still-- I'm sorry?
- "Still the One."
- OK, I just heard Dave Matthews
Band, "Crash Into Me."
I'm still the one on stage.
Yeah, it's going to end soon.
Here we go.
(guitar playing)
(mumbles)
and I'm still the one.
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
Yeah.
(audience cheering)
I'm still the one digging
through your trash.
(guitar playing)
Nice.
We did it, guys.
Thank you, sir.
I appreciate.
You guys let me be silly.
I was being silly.
Emily, I hope you're OK.
(audience laughing)
All right, I want to share a dream.
I have a dream.
I'm an entrepreneur,
and I want to start my own kosher
coffee shop with all-male baristas.
It's called He-Brews.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Isreal good.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I thought maybe like once a year,
we could give out free Starbucks.
Give that away.
That would be a burnt offering.
That stuff tastes burnt.
You know it tastes-- that's burnt
that's burnt.
Be a Yom Kippur over, OK?
I'm just-- That one's a thinker.
So you know what?
I like coffee.
I actually went
to a Christian coffee shop,
and it was pretty good.
You know, but the prices were
ungodly.
(audience laughing)
They need to repent, man.
I'm just saying.
I went there.
They actually-- I like tea.
They have all different types
of tea, like green tea, red tea,
black tea.
And you get a blend of all three
is the trini-tea.
(audience applauding)
Thank you.
And actually, also, they
have different types of coffee.
They have different types of coffee,
like namon flavor.
It was like cinnamon but no sin.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, and then they have a Colorado
blend.
Colorado blend-- they call it pot
roast.
(audience laughing)
I asked the barista.
I said, hey, how's the pot roast?
They said, "hey, why don't you just
"ask the high priest?"
Come on, come on.
(guitar playing)
Nice.
So I recently got hired to do
a Christian event.
And they said, "Donnie, we know you
"play music.
"Would you mind playing
"some Christian songs?"
I said, OK.
But I don't know a lot
of Christian songs.
So let's just try this.
Here we go.
(guitar playing)
I want to name all of the animals.
(guitar playing)
It's from the book of Genesis, guys.
He made my woman from my insides.
(guitar playing)
It's a rib joke, guys.
I want my baby back, baby back, baby
back, baby back, baby back,
babyback.
That one's actually
about my ex-wife, though.
So-- this one's a little more
modern.
Girl, look at that Bible.
I work out.
That's why the guitar looks small.
(audience laughing)
Now this one I'm
going to do for a Baptist event.
So if you like it, sing along.
Just don't dance.
(guitar playing)
Christians in the morning,
Christians on the street.
Christians don't smoke cigarettes,
but they sure do like to eat.
(audience applauding)
Chic-a Chic fil A. Got to find
some Christians because I wrote
this Christian song.
I went to Benny Hinn's church.
Now my money's all gone.
(guitar playing)
It's OK.
He told me I'd get it back tenfold.
Christians are what I got.
(guitar playing)
Nailed it!
Christians are what I got.
So remember that.
Christians are what I got.
So remember that.
Christians-- they don't smoke pot
unless it's medicinal?
(audience laughing)
We got a high priest, remember?
Christians are what I got,
I got, I got, I got.
Thank you.
(audience cheering)