(thunder rolls)
(dramatic music)
(insects chirping)
(emotional music)
(intense music)
(TV chatter)
(soft country music)
- [Voiceover] My name
is Richard Winford James III.
But my friends,
they call me Reaper Rick.
I'm a proud veteran,
retired First Battalion 23rd Marines.
I'm a cold-blooded killer,
and a protector of the second amendment rights.
(gun clicks)
- Oh yeah.
- [Voiceover] I've seen a lot of crazy things in my days,
but this story I'm 'bout to tell ya,
is one of the craziest days of my life.
- [Radio] CQ, CQ, CQ.
This is Squinty Joe to Reaper Rick.
You copy?
- [Voiceover] That Squinty Joe sure is a hoot.
Me and him go back many years.
- [Squinty] Reaper Rick, come in.
You there, brother?
- I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm com--
- [Voiceover] Seeing as how neither one of us
trusts the government none,
we mostly keep in contact through ham radio now.
We've even set ourselves up with our own frequency.
- You're on K flat.
This is Reaper Rick.
What's goin' on there, brother?
Everything good?
- [Squinty] Yes sir.
Did you see the news?
- Oh yeah, man.
Damn government's tryin' to keep that information
from going public.
- [Squinty] Yes sir.
I heard all that evidence was in that vase,
buried in a secret underground bunker,
built back in the 1950s.
They say that got alien overlords down there
where they've given them mind control technology
that allows them to read our thoughts.
- Wow, no kiddin'?
- [Squinty] Yes sir.
You see, that's exactly why you gotta order
one of these new devices I picked up
from Toe Jam Joe's store.
It's designed to block all government and alien scanners
from stealing thoughts from your mind.
- Where can I get me one of those?
- [Radio] It's easy peasy, bro.
So Toe Jam Joe,
he went ahead and set himself up
with one of them virtual stores on spamazon.com.
I know you've got a Primo account,
so just jump online,
and pick yourself up one.
He calls it "The Mind Scanner-Jammer."
- [Voiceover] Toe Jam Joe's.
Anything you needed,
he had it.
And if he didn't have it,
well, you didn't need it.
- [Computer] Mind Scanner-Jammer,
averaging 3.5 stars.
- [Voiceover] Oh, I still remember the first time
I laid eyes on her.
- Oh yeah.
All right.
Mm.
- [Voiceover] I knew I had to have her.
'Cause it's better to have it and not need it,
then need it and not have it.
- You are...
Mine.
- [Computer] Your package has been confirmed.
- Hey, thanks bro.
Just got mine ordered.
- [Squinty] Yes sir.
- [Computer] Thank you for shopping
with Spamazon Distribution.
(gags)
- God dammit.
Son of a bitch.
- [Voiceover] Now, I got a lotta of crazy friends
with all kinds of crazy stories.
Government conspiracies,
alien abductions.
But this story I'm 'bout to unfold,
just about takes the cake.
- [Squinty] See, I heard Toe Jam, right now as we speak,
is working on something to protect your DNA.
You know, they be cloning politicians.
(country music)
These alien overlords,
they got to our politicians,
CEOs,
and all the big wigs that control our infrastructure.
We're in the last days, my friend.
Doomsday preppin' is the way to go.
- [Voiceover] This right here,
this is one of many ammo cases I have hidden around my land.
You never know when the government's gonna get a little...
Handsy.
- [Radio] I swear the apocalypse is coming any day now.
All them city slickers gonna be pissing themselves
when the world goes to shit.
- Dammit, Squints,
now I gotta take a piss.
- [Squinty] Well don't piss on your boots, now.
(unzips)
(urinates)
- [Voiceover] And that's right about when things
started gettin' just a little bit funny.
(wind blows)
And out here in the country,
we're no stranger to a little wind.
But this storm brewing up from the east,
was like nothing I'd seen in years.
(thunder rolls)
I remember lookin' up in the sky.
And them clouds,
they just looked angry.
(lightning cracks)
- Whoo.
- [Voiceover] Damn near blew me right away.
(urinating)
- God dammit.
Son of a bitch.
God.
(groans)
- [Voiceover] Man, it was unreal.
That storm moved in in less than a minute,
swallowed up my whole land.
(growls)
Meanwhile, I'm limping round with a soggy right boot.
But, I guess that's just how it goes sometimes.
(thunder rolls)
- Great, that just figures.
(wind whistles)
Every goddamn time.
(groans)
(radio whirs)
(electricity flickers)
- [Radio] The weather forecast for Adams County
consists of warm temperatures this afternoon,
with mostly clear skies.
- Clear skies, my ass.
- [Radio] Wind is two miles per hour out of the southwest.
- Hey, Squinty.
You gettin' any weather by you?
(radio static)
Squinty.
(radio sputtering)
The hell's wrong with this damn thing?
(earth shaking)
What the hell?
(TV cutting out)
(wind whistling)
(intense music)
(UFO buzzing)
(intense music)
(earth shaking)
What in the hell...
Was that about?
(intense music)
(doorbell rings)
Who is it?
Identify yourself.
(clock ticking)
(choir music)
(chatter)
What the.
(beeps)
(gunfire)
Whoa.
(gunfire)
Eat lead.
(pants)
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
(intense music)
(doorbell rings)
(intense music)
What the hell are you?
(pants)
What do you want?
(intense music)
(doorbell rings)
(gunfire)
(buzzing)
(gunfire)
You ain't gettin' me.
(gunfire)
(machine whirring)
(intense music)
Squint, come in.
They found me.
I don't know how.
But they found me.
Come in.
I need some backup, god dammit.
(thunder rolls)
Holy sweet mother of God.
(pants)
It's the goddamn alien overlords.
(gasps)
Die, you devil.
(gunfire)
Shit.
Squinty.
It's tryin' to scan my brain.
(radio static)
(intense music)
(gasps)
(scanning)
I see you, you little bastard.
He he.
Shit.
(machine whirs)
(groans)
What the hell.
(thunder rolls)
Come on, Reaper.
(intense music)
Come and get me, demon.
(machine whirring)
I hear you out there, you alien asshole.
(intense music)
(tapping)
Hey.
(upbeat music)
(machine whirring)
Squinty, can you hear me?
If you can hear me, I can't kill this damn thing.
Oh shit.
(yelling)
All right, you alien scum.
Come on.
(beeping)
You want a piece of me?
Bring it on.
(upbeat music)
Aw.
Shit.
(upbeat music)
(gunfire)
(upbeat music)
- [Voiceover] I must've fired a thousand rounds
at that little son of a bitch.
No matter how hard I tried,
I couldn't hit 'em.
I like to consider myself a pretty good shot.
I can take the wings off a fly at 90 yards.
(gunfire)
I'm startin' to think Toe Jame Joe
is running them cheap rounds on me again.
I was damn near ready to give up.
(panting)
But 'ol Reaper Rick
had one more trick up his sleeve.
(rock music)
(thunder rolls)
(machine whirring)
(thunder rolls)
- You better run and hide now, you son of a bitch.
(rock music)
(yells)
(rock music)
(explosion)
(birds chirping)
(materials clatter)
(building creaks)
(thunder rolls)
(acoustic guitar)
(door thuds)
(gasps)
(Western music)
What the hell.
Oh shit.
All right.
You win.
But you ain't takin' me alive.
(scanning)
- Facial recognition has been authorized.
Your package has been confirmed.
Thank you for shopping with Spamazon Distribution.
(machine whirring)
We greatly appreciate your business.
(Western music)
- [Voiceover] It couldn't be.
You are...
Mine.
- Please take the online survey
sent to your registered email
and leave a comment on how you like
our new drone delivery program.
Your feedback is important to us.
Have a nice day.
- [Voiceover] Trust me,
if there was one thing they didn't want,
it would be my feedback.
(Western music)
Well, I felt like a horse's ass.
A damned delivery drone.
Ain't that about a bitch.
(materials clatter)
(crumbling)
But like I said earlier,
that's just how it goes sometimes.
- [Squinty] CQ, CQ, CQ.
This is Squinty Joe to Reaper Rick.
Rick, you there, brother?
- Bro.
(Western music)
(country music)
(gunfire)