'Let the sister skate forth.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Speak forth, but if thou lie we will find thee’
Roller Blade is the first of the five roller blade movies made by Donald G. Jackson
and is almost indescribable.
‘Harlot of hate, the sisters of corb will give thee a bath in holy water’
Set in a unique post-apocalyptic future.
‘And thou either skate, or die’
Apparently made because someone thought; roller blade, switch blade, I’m a genius!
and then didn’t include a single roller blade everyone’s on skates.
‘Thou must stay inside till thou learnest skating’
'Now skate boy skate.'
Don’t get me started on the ye olde English dialogue.
‘Yea Verily, let’s see how they survive without their wheels’
Now it should be noted, I don’t think you’re meant to take this seriously.
‘He did tread against my orders and go to the devil’s playground… without his skates’
So with that caveat in mind, meet Hunter,
'There!'
A hired killer on eight wheels who gets a job from the mysterious and evil Dr Saticoy
‘I have another job for you’
The job is to acquire the crystal of power from a group of skating nuns.
‘The cosmic order of roller blades is the only order on earth where all weapons and battle techniques are converted into tools of love’
I don’t know about that, but watch this,
‘With this blade thou shall be healed, to join our battle against Dr Satakoy’
They have the power of healing.
‘This is a miracle’
You can’t argue with that. But like the warrior monks of the orient, these skating holy women can also kick ass.
‘Go in peace’
Hunter goes undercover in the order, winning the confidence of Sister Sharon.
‘Violence is a puzzle – love is the key’
and going through the sacred ceremony, which sort of like the haka on skates...
with a dog. But then she betrays the order and steals the crystal, which is bad news.
‘The cosmic order of roller blades needs the crystal to heal the broken world’
Some serious stakes being dropped there, but when Hunter returns to Saticoy.
'Here it is.'
'The crystal is mine at last... what! Betrayed!'
She has a last minute change of heart and leaves again.
At some point you have to concede that the skates are more of an encumbrance than a help.
‘Tears will make thy wheels rust’
Saticoy has also kidnapped the son of the local Marshall and we now learn something new about the bad guy,
'The sisters will die, your dad will die and you you you will die!'
I initially thought this was a puppet,
obviously. But they talk at the same time it does have a life independent of him,
'Got my ticket, got my traveling shoes, gonna boogy tonight, first class.'
So I’m guessing some sort of mutated conjoined twin and I can’t explain any more than that.
‘Everything’s weird here’
As the Marshall, Sharon and Hunter converge on Saticoy’s base the whole thing descends into total chaos
as the very limited cast fight each other as much as their skates allow.
Hunter is killed,
‘Woe that it is forbidden to heal thy sister twice’
We didn’t mention that earlier but that should answer your questions about why I don’t heal her.
Meanwhile the marshall has found his son.
'Son, I'll get thee down.'
Man, this would be easier if I wasn’t wearing skates.
Sharon attacks Saticoy,
'Release the Marshall's son.'
but he throws acid on her, leaving only one reasonable course of action.
Yeah, I sort of feel like they wanted her semi-nude in the final fight and then worked back.
‘I pray this day you will find yourself at heaven’s gate’
‘I’m in heaven right now’
Although the most gratuitous moment is probably the healing hot tub earlier,
‘We must cleanse each other’s souls if we are truly to be sisters’
Saticoy escapes.
Oh, how will I get past?
Saticoy needs the crystal to build a rocket so he can cross the chasm to a weapons factory.
'Hey Boss, wait for me.'
But as he approaches the chasm...
'What?!'
Look out Sharon.
Surprisingly resilient.
Saticoy dies but the crystal that was going to save humanity has been destroyed.
‘I now realise the power lies within’
How convenient. Now, like I said; not meant to be taken seriously but,
and I think sometimes people get confused about this, just cos you’re not meant to take a film seriously,
doesn’t mean it can’t also be bad,
‘Slime bucket’
I don’t expect a film in which a woman goes undercover in a nunnery of killer roller skaters to be an Ingmar Bergman film,
I do expect it to be entertaining.
‘Yea, verily, the pain is great for us both’
The acting is dire,
‘My wife could skate like an angel’
‘But now she is one’
It’s wilfully gratuitous.
‘Rip those clothes off’
and there’s a fine line between dutch angles and the camera falling over.
'Oh what do we have here man?'
It’s just bad
‘Go forth now and skate the path of righteousness’
Thanks for watching. For an uncensored version of this review, join us on Patreon at acolyte level.
A world based on roller blades is a new one on me, what would you like to base your post-apocalyptic universe on? Pitch us your dystopia in the comments below.
'Good job.'