Geoff: Oh, hello there
Greg: We didn't see you come in *laughter*
Geoff: Hey what's up I'm Geoff from Achievement Hunter, this is Greg from Kinda Funny and Tim from Kinda Funny
Geoff: And this is Million Dollar Butts
Geoff: Well since we are at Rooster Teeth and on my podcast set, I guess I'll go first
Geoff: Tim you get a million dollars
Geoff: But, every time you masturbate, for the rest of your life, your mother gets a text
Geoff: That just says Tim is masturbating, and 11:07, he finished
Geoff: Maybe it also has location
Geoff: Denny's parking lot, sure
Tim: It's the more detail in it, that's when I start to question it
Geoff: Say your mom comes, where you live, and you go to the bathroom and see like
Geoff: An In-Style magazine with like, Rachel McAdams on it
Geoff: And suddenly she's getting an alert and is like "Really? Really? I'm like seven feet away from you"
Greg: Here's what I want to add, she gets the message, she gets he was watching/reading whatever,
Greg: And just a photo, of your face, as you came Tim: That's weird
Tim: I don't think my mom would even understand how to respond to it
Tim: Because I see the way that my mom texts me now, I would love to see the emojis she sends to my cum face
Geoff: So Greg, are you on board, are you going to masturbate, and let your mother know?
Greg: Yes, a thousand percent yes. I- I always feel like, in these scenarios, I have a million dollars
Greg: This million is the [unintelligible]
Geoff: Tim? Are you gonna? Tim: Hundred percent in
Greg: I feel like we could do a kickstarter, for like, ten thousand dollars, and you would do it Tim: Yeah
Geoff: Yeah, I guess I... as long as my wife wasn't on the list
Tim: Ok guys. A million dollars, but everyday at some random point
Tim: someone will pants you
Greg: Oh no
Tim: It could be anybody
Tim: It could be the mail man Geoff: Yeah
Tim: It could be some little girl walking down the street
*laughter* Tim: Anybody
Tim: At some point is gonna get those pants down
Tim: See my thing thinking about it, I'm like, I really like Disneyland
Tim: I don't think that I could take it
Tim: Based on that alone
Geoff: What if you just like- you get up early one day at 5 to go for a jog,
Geoff: And hopefully you get an early pantsing
Geoff: And then you're like "Today's Disneyland day. I'm safe" Tim: Oh ok
Geoff: I'm in the clear
Geoff: You don't know for sure that they're not gonna grab some elastic as well
Greg: First time my pants get ripped down and my underwear come down,
Greg: That's when I throw 'em a curve and start wearing regular briefs under the boxer briefs
Greg: You know what I mean?
Tim: Like one of those Russian dolls Greg: Exactly
Greg: So here's what I would do
Greg: I would get boxer briefs in white, and have them all printed "I'm Sorry"
Greg: Or, "This was for a million dollars"
Greg: I'd proliferate my story, and then the world would kinda know
Tim: So would you do it guys? Greg: Fuck yes
Greg: It's a million dollars!
Greg: I'll take off my pants right now for free, you know what I mean?
Tim: I don't think I could do it. I like Disneyland too much, I couldn't give that up.
Geoff: I say we start the bidding- I'd do it for $500,000
Tim: Oh Greg: Ooooooh hoo hoo!
Greg: So. A million dollars, but
Greg: One of your dead grandparents Tim: Ooh...
Greg: Comes back to life and hunts you for the rest of your life
Greg: They are in intense pain the entire time
Greg: Like, and they know the only way to end their suffering is to kill you
Greg: They have no superpowers other than immortality
Greg: You could put 3 rounds in their chest, they're getting back up to keep coming after you
Geoff: What- could you put Grandma in a cage?
Greg: You could Geoff: You've got a million dollars
Greg: You could get- you could have the security team, they capture Grandpa
Greg: They put him in the locked, padded room, lock the door, they have cameras on
Greg: You still have to turn on the camera to see if he's still in there
Greg: And you hear him screaming.
Greg: And just like "I'm in so much pain, I need to kill you!"
Greg: But all he wants to do is go back to being dead
Greg: What if Grandma or Poppy, they flip it on you, right?
Greg: Where they're aware of it eventually, so then they start telling you the pain's gone
Greg: And that they're cool and they've figured this out and they want you to have a long life
Greg: And then! They play the long game.
Greg: And they give it a week. Where you're slowly trusting them and playing solitaire Geoff: Yeah, yeah.
Greg: You're putting puzzles together
Greg: And then one day they come in for the kiss or whatever and just "Gah!" right in your neck, rip it out
Greg: And they're like "Finally sweet release!"
Tim: So they just go straight for the gullet with the teeth
Greg: Shit, I never even thought about the fact that they are old
Greg: They're probably gonna gum you to death, they can't even bite through
Greg: I'm thinking like PSI of a human- Tim: Dude we're fine! We're fine.
Geoff: I'm just- You had 87 great years. Greg: Exactly
Geoff: It's my turn. Greg: Gimme another 50 of you being in blinding pain where you can't sleep, it's a living Hell
Greg: But I have a lot of money and I can buy all these Playstations
[Growl]
Geoff: It'll really make you think about all your purchases
Geoff: Alright boys, thanks for uh drinking some beers with me
Geoff: And uh, thanks for watching this
Geoff: Uhh, if you'd like to watch another Million Dollar Butts
Geoff: Wouldn't recommend it, but you could
Geoff: Probably should go to KindaFunny.com They're... kinda funny. Yeah
Geoff: And don't watch any of my stuff