- Nobody likes you, you girl!
- Well, you're a different color than me, and that's bad.
- Oh yeah? Well you dress like a-
- Now, hold on a second!
- [Both] Whoa! Mr. T?
- Never make fun of a way a man dresses.
Way a man dresses is his business.
Remember that.
Whether it's overalls, chains, or feather earrings,
however they dress, it's not to be joked about.
I pity the fool that judges another man's clothing.
♪ I don't need you ♪
- In what universe is the Family Circus better than Dilbert?
For instance, oh!
Yo, what's up man? How you-
(dramatic tone)
been?
- Ah, you know, cuz, keeping it straight.
(dramatic music)
You know.
- All right, cool.
Well, I guess I'll check you later.
- All right, dog.
(dramatic tone)
- What you should see is Rain People with James Khan
and Shirley Knight.
- Yo.
(dramatic tone)
- What's up, man?
(dramatic music)
- You got something to say?
- Yeah, man.
How's Denise?
- Oh yeah, Denise,
she good, she good, she good, she good.
Anyway, guess I'll catch you on the flip.
- Yeah, dog, yeah.
Ain't no thing.
- Come on, stick it.
- I'm in there, dog, I'm in there, dog.
- I'm in there, dog. - Come on.
- No, I'm in there dog, I'm in there.
- Tuck it.
- I'm in there.
- Tuck it. Tuck-
- I'm, I'm tucking it in, dog.
I'm in there, dog. I'm in there, dog. I'm in there, dog.
- Oh, all right.
(dramatic music)
- Oh.
(chuckles) anyway, you know you gotta come real,
come correct, when you come in at all, you know (laughs).
That's really how I roll.
(energetic music)
- Welcome to Metta World News.
In fashion,
if you woke up and there was a four inch miniature
human standing on your chest, would you swat them off?
I was really challenged by this question.
I would hope that I'd engage them in conversation,
but in reality, I think I'd be scared of them
and swat them away, which would probably kill them.
Well, that wraps up Metta World News
for this Wednesday, October noise-canceling octagon tire.
I'm Metta World peace.
Goodnight.
Did I fulfill my contract, Satan?
(Cedric sighs)
(thoughtful music)
(bike bell ringing)
- Oh, there you are, Cedric.
- 'Sup dude?
- 'Tis well, Cedric, 'tis well.
- Yeah, can I ask you a question, man?
- Mm?
- Why the hell are you dressed like this?
And what the hell did you do to your bike?
- You ain't hear?
I'm steampunk now.
- Yeah, I don't know what that is, man.
- Jules Vernon (beep)
- I seriously think that you have cracked, man.
All right, like, like in your mind.
- Nah, I ain't cracked up.
I live in a clock now.
Ah, umbrellas and (beep)
- You're wearing a top hat with a door on it.
- I'm just an ill ass Lemony Snicket up in this bitch,
but you,
what's with you?
- What's with me?
I'll tell you what I'm, I'm a ill ass normal mother (beep),
who been waiting for his friend for an hour and 10 minutes
underneath a goddamn bridge with two homeless (beep).
- Per chance, good sir, could you point me
in the direction of the nearest apothecary?
- If you're talking about the drugstore,
it's right there on the corner.
- What time does it close?
- It closes at 10 o'clock, man.
You've been there a million times.
- Mm. I'll check just to be sure.
Make sure it's still open.
- I'm telling you, Levi, if you put that piece
of pipe up to your eye and use it as a telescope,
I cannot be your friend anymore.
This-
Yup.
- Still open.
- All right, I have to go then, so.
- You try it.
- No, no.
I'm not gonna try it because it's a piece
of pipe and it doesn't have any lenses in it.
Therefore, it's not a telescope!
- Yes, but how could you be sure?
Science.
- I'm gonna look through this piece
of pipe and if it doesn't work like a telescope
then we finally done, man, like not homies anymore.
We're done.
- Oh, Cedric,
why would you think,
in a million years,
that that would actually work?
Cedric it's just that,
you look so ridiculous right now.
- I look ri-
I'ma-
- (sighs) Say goodbye Ratatouille.
- What? What the (beep) is that?
(mouse squeaking)
- Oh (beep)!
- I feel like crap,
just came from a trashy Indian restaurant in a strip mall.
Not bad food though, got pretty lucky.
Got the hottest, baddest curry ever ate in my life.
A place called Nonsense, Indian Joint,
just like Terminal three. - [Sal] Measuring your pierna.
- It's like I'm going to my brother's wedding on Sunday,
and it's like, I don't even want to go.
I don't even like my brother.
My brother's like a jerk,
but like his wife, she's like a bitch.
(stomach grumbling) I stayed with him
for like three weeks, she was a bitch to me, man.
I put my feet on her coffee table.
She was like, don't get your feet on my coffee,
I'm like, who are you?
(stomach gurgling loudly) Gingers man,
a ginger broad man.
Like those are (stomach growling)
the worst people on the planet.
So I said that to him,
I said that to him in the parking lot.
I cornered him a little bit, sure,
but he swung on me, man. - [Stomach] Scrams.
- He swung on me, can you believe that?
It's like, who swings on their own brother, man?
Yeah, I swung back, you know.
(stomach grumbling evilly) (dramatic music)
But that's cool,
You know, it's like I haven't seen him for a while
but now got this expensive wedding I have to go to,
so it's crazy.
I gotta get my tickets and that's a whole situation.
I hate doing that.
And, hold on a second,
Hey, hey, pal, pal.
- I put the-
- Start on the downstairs bits,
I'm in the middle of a conversation up here.
(stomach grumbling)
Hey!
- Of course, of course.
Whatever, whatever you say.
- Thank you. (clears throat)
Sorry about that, just a little guy here working on my suit.
- [Stomach] From the eternal, from within.
- There is a guy in there.
- The answer is yes.
And hopefully I, you know, I can get like,
two down in one evening, (Sal sighs)
you know?
And speaking of two down in one evening,
if they've got popcorn shrimp and little lobster rolls,
having a happy night.
(suspenseful music)
- [Stomach] Stop!
Who goes there?
- Sal.
My name, my name is Sal.
- [Stomach] Sal, the end is near.
- What?
What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what
what, what do you mean?
- [Stomach] Everything is changing!
- What do you mean?
- [Stomach] The end is near, Sal!
- No, I don't, I, I don't know what you mean.
What do you mean? I don't want to die!
- [Stomach] There's nothing you can do, the end is near.
Everything is changing,
from the eternal from within.
- No, I don't want to die! What do you mean?
- [Stomach] The end is near.
(dramatic music)
(fart squeaks)
- Sorry about that, man.
- Of course.
(rhythmic music)
- Nobody likes you, you girl!
- Well, you're a different color than me and that's bad.
- Oh yeah? Well, you dress like a-
- Now, hold on a second.
- [Both] Whoa! Mr. T?
- Never make fun of a way a man dresses.
Way a man dresses is his business.
Remember that.
Whether it's overalls, chains, or feather earrings,
however they dress, it's not to be joked about.
I pity the fool that judges another man's clothing.
- I'm sorry I judged your clothing.
- It's okay.
(triumphant music)
- Hey Scout,
there's a man over there who said he'll give us candy
if we get in his van.
- I don't know if that's a good idea, Timmy.
- Aw, what are you afraid of?
Is it because you have a stupid name like Scout?
- [Mr. T] Hey!
- [Both] Whoa! Mr. T, again!
- Never make fun of a person's name.
Your mama gave you that name,
or you made it up for business purposes.
Either way, it's personal.
I pity the fool to make fun of another man's name.
Mr. T's a cool name!
It's a cool name, Mr. T!
(triumphant music)
- Hey Scout, wanna do some drugs?
- Aren't drugs bad?
- I don't know.
If you're afraid of drugs,
we could drink a bunch of alcohol.
- Yum, that sounds good.
- Well, guess what? Your hair is stupid.
- Never make fun
- Oh! - of another person's hair.
- [Both] Hey, Mr. T.
- A person's hair is the artwork that they present
to the heavens.
It's just like I've been saying,
♪ Hair ♪
♪ It isn't fair ♪
♪ Beware ♪
♪ People care about their hair ♪
♪ H is for the home where I lay my head ♪
♪ And I cry about your mean jokes in my bed ♪
♪ A is for anxiety that fools provoke ♪
♪ When they looking at my hair and they making jokes ♪
♪ I is for I don't like the way I feel ♪
♪ When you're joking that my haircut does not appeal ♪
♪ R is for the real mean jokes you make ♪
♪ And the hurtful little pot shots that you take ♪
And for your information, it's not even a haircut.
It's a rare form of male pattern baldness!
You fools! (crying)
Ah.
Ah!
For real?
(triumphant music)
♪ Oh, I want ya ♪
♪ But I don't need ya ♪