>> Stephen: HI, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT IN THE ROOM.
DO WE NEED TO CLEAN UP THE AREA?
I DON'T THINK SO BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE IT.
I CAN AND I'M FINE WITH IT.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LAST NIGHT, I TALKED ABOUT THE GOVERNORS WHO HAVE DECIDED TO
REOPEN THEIR STATES IN OPPOSITION TO THE FEDERAL
GUIDELINES, BUT ONE DAY LATER, I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT COOLER
HEADS HAVE PREVAILED IN OUR NATION'S LEADERSHIP, BECAUSE THE
INSANE CLOWN POSSE IS CALLING OFF ITS ANNUAL GATHERING OF THE
JUGGALOS FESTIVAL.
THEY'VE ALSO OFFICIALLY CHANGED THEIR NAME TO THE
RATIONAL CLOWN POSSE.
OF COURSE, THIS MOVE WILL DISAPPOINT FANS OF I.C.P., KNOWN
AS "JUGGALOS," SEEN HERE CONFUSING THEIR GRANDPARENTS.
YESTERDAY, THE CLOWN POSSE'S RECORD LABEL, PSYCHOPATHIC
RECORDS, ISSUED A STATEMENT: "WITH THOUSANDS OF DEATHS DURING
THE COVID-19 OUTBREAK, WE REFUSE TO RISK EVEN ONE JUGGALO LIFE BY
HOSTING A GATHERING DURING THESE TROUBLING TIMES."
SO, THESE GUYS RESPECT SCIENCE MORE THAN THE GOVERNOR OF
GEORGIA.
MAKES SENSE.
THEY'VE ALWAYS WANTED EXPLANATIONS BASED ON HARD
SCIENCE.
>> WATER, FIRE, AIR AND DIRT.
( BLEEP ) MAGNETS.
HOW DO THEY WORK?
>> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW WHO I WISH BELIEVED IN SCIENCE AS MUCH AS
THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE?
THE INSANE CLOWN PRESIDENT.
IT TURNS OUT THAT THE DIRECTOR OF THE LEAD FEDERAL AGENCY
SEARCHING FOR A CORONAVIRUS VACCINE WAS FIRED BECAUSE OF HIS
CONCERN ABOUT TRUMP'S CORONAVIRUS TREATMENT THEORY.
DR. TRUMP IS CANNING MEDICAL EXPERTS JUST BECAUSE THEY
DISAGREE WITH HIS RANDOM NOTIONS OF HEALTH.
YOU KNOW ANY DAY NOW, THE NEW FOOD PYRAMID IS GOING TO LOOK
LIKE THIS.
THE OFFICIAL IN QUESTION IS FORMER DIRECTOR OF THE
BIOMEDICAL ADVANCED RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT AUTHORITY AN
HUSKY ANDERSON COOPER, DR. RICK BRIGHT.
TRUMP FIRED A GUY NAMED "DR. BRIGHT."
HE ALSO LET GO PROFESSOR SMARTY, DR. SAVIOR, AND SECRETARY "I
HAVE THE CURE DON'T FIRE ME."
APPARENTLY, BEHIND THE SCENES, DR. BRIGHT OPPOSED THE CURE THAT
TRUMP LIKES.
WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?
>> CHLOROQUINE, OR HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.
THE HYDROXY-CHLOROQUINE.
THE CHLOROQUINE.
THE HYDROXY-CHLOROQUINE.
HYDROXY... CHLOR... CHLOROQUINE.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?
TAKE IT.
I REALLY THINK THEY SHOULD TAKE IT.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S THE MOST BLATANT PRESIDENTIAL
DRUG-PUSHING SINCE THE 1956 CAMPAIGN, "IKE LIKES COKE."
TRUMP'S BEEN PUSHING THIS EVEN THOUGH THERE HAS BEEN NO
CONCLUSIVE RESEARCH.
AFTER GETTING FIRED, DR. BRIGHT SAID, "I BELIEVE THIS WAS IN
RESPONSE TO MY INSISTENCE THAT THE GOVERNMENT INVEST THE
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS ALLOCATED BY CONGRESS TO ADDRESS THE COVID-19
PANDEMIC INTO SAFE AND SCIENTIFICALLY VETTED SOLUTIONS,
AND NOT IN DRUGS, VACCINES AND OTHER TECHNOLOGIES THAT LACK
SCIENTIFIC MERIT."
(AS TRUMP) "HEY, LOOK, MY IDEAS DON'T LACK
SCIENTIFIC MERIT.
THEY LACK ANY MERIT.
READY FOR ANOTHER?
BOOF SOME LISTERINE.
COULDN'T HURT.
I MEAN, IT STINGS.
BUT THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S WORKING."
EVEN WITH DR. BRIGHT GONE, THE PRESIDENT ISN'T WITHOUT ADVICE,
BECAUSE TRUMP REGULARLY TELLS VISITORS TO THE OVAL OFFICE THAT
HE IS IN TOUCH WITH DOCTORS IN NEW YORK, INCLUDING HIS OWN, WHO
YOU'LL REMEMBER LOOKS LIKE THIS.
"HELLO!
I'M DR. KOOKY.
MAYBE WE CAN CURE THE CORONAVIRUS WITH THESE LOOSE
PILLS I FOUND IN THE CUPHOLDER OF MY CAMRY.
ONE OF THEM IS A GEL CAP.
IT'S GOT TO DO SOMETHING."
DIGNITY.
ALWAYS DIGNITY.
DR. BRIGHT'S NOT THE ONLY EXPERT THAT TRUMP IS SHUTTING UP.
ENTER C.D.C. DIRECTOR AND MAN PASSIONATELY DESCRIBING HIS
STOLEN MARACAS, ROBERT REDFIELD.
ON TUESDAY, DR. REDFIELD TOLD THE "WASHINGTON POST" THAT
"THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THAT THE ASSAULT OF THE VIRUS ON OUR
NATION NEXT WINTER WILL ACTUALLY BE EVEN MORE DIFFICULT THAN THE
ONE WE JUST WENT THROUGH."
AND IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER HOW DIFFICULT THIS WINTER WAS, IT
HAD TRUMP'S ACQUITTAL, THE AUSTRALIAN BUSHFIRES, AND "CATS:
THE MOVIE."
REDFIELD SAID IT WOULD BE A TOUGH WINTER BECAUSE WE'D BE
FIGHTING A FLU EPIDEMIC AND A CORONAVIRUS EPIDEMIC AT THE SAME
TIME.
AND REDFIELD ADDED THAT IT HASN'T BEEN EASY EXPLAINING THIS
TO EVERYONE.
"WHEN I'VE SAID THIS TO OTHERS, THEY KIND OF PUT THEIR HEAD
BACK, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN."
(AS REDFIELD) "YES... 'OTHERS' GOT VERY
CONFUSED.
'OTHERS' STOPPED LISTENING TO ME, TURNED ON SOME CARTOONS AND
I HAD TO SAY, "THIS IS IMPORTANT, PRESIDENT OTHERS."
OTHERS WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT REDFIELD SAYING THIS TO THE
"WASHINGTON POST."
SO HE SUMMONED DR. REDFIELD TO HIS DAILY PRESS BRIEFING, AND
SAID THERE'S A SIMPLE EXPLANATION.
>> DR. ROBERT REDFIELD WAS TOTALLY MISQUOTED IN THE MEDIA
ON HIS STATEMENT ABOUT THE FALL SEASON AND THE VIRUS.
TOTALLY MISQUOTED.
I SPOKE TO HIM AND HE SAID IT WAS RIDICULOUS.
HE WAS MISQUOTED, TOTALLY MISQUOTED.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, I GUESS HE WAS TOTALLY MISQUOTED IN THE
"WASHINGTON POST."
>> I AM ACCURATELY QUOTED IN THE "WASHINGTON POST."
>> STEPHEN: THERE YOU GO.
IT'S A CASE OF HE-SAID... YEAH THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.
REDFIELD THEN TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT HE HAD BEEN RIGHT ALL
ALONG-- BUT SO HAD TRUMP.
>> I THINK IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO EMPHASIZE WHAT I
DIDN'T SAY.
I DIDN'T SAY THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE "WORSE."
I SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE COMPLICA-- OR MORE DIFFICULT.
DOESN'T MEAN IT'LL BE MORE IMPOSSIBLE.
DOESN'T MEAN IT'S GOING TO BE MORE, AS SOME PEOPLE HAVE SAID,
"WORSE," IT JUST MEANS MORE DIFFICULT.
>> STEPHEN: HOW CAN SOMETHING THAT'S MORE DIFFICULT NOT BE
WORSE?
"I DIDN'T SAY NINE WAS BIGGER THAN SEVEN.
I JUST SAID IT WAS MORE NUMBER.
IT'S ADDITIONAL MANYS."
TRUMP WENT ONE STEP FURTHER AND SAID NEXT YEAR'S VIRUS WON'T BE
WORSE.
THEE MAY NOT A BE VIRUS AT ALL.
>> IF THE CORONA COMES BACK.
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IF IT IS GOING TO.
IT IS ESTIMATED IT MIGHT NOT COME BACK AT ALL, JIM.
IT MIGHT NOT COME BACK AT ALL.
I PERSONALLY HOPE IT DOESN'T COME BACK IN THE FALL.
>> STEPHEN: YOU HOPE?
MR. PRESIDENT, HOPE IS NOT A PLAN.
I HOPE YOU DON'T COME BACK IN THE FALL, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I HAVEN'T STOCKPILED...
MEDICINE, IN CASE YOU DO.
MMM.
MASSIVE DOSES.
STILL, HEARING THAT THE VIRUS MAY NOT COME BACK WAS
COMFORTING...
FOR A WHILE.
>> WE WILL HAVE CORONAVIRUS IN THE FALL.
I AM CONVINCED OF THAT.
THERE WILL BE CORONAVIRUS IN THE FALL.
>> STEPHEN: SO WE JUST BETTER PRAY THAT CORONAVIRUS IS CURED
BY PUMPKIN SPICE.
BUT DON'T THINK THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T VALUE EXPERTISE.
OH, NO.
WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES
ALEX AZAR TAPPED A FORMER DOG BREEDER TO LEAD THE GOVERNMENT'S
"DAY-TO-DAY" RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS.
SURE.
BUT WHY NOT JUST CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN AND APPOINT A DOG?
MY DOG BENNY IS AVAILABLE.
COME ON, UP, UP, UP!
THERE YOU GO!
SEE?
TECHNICALLY, HE'S A DOG BREEDER, TOO.
WANT SOME TURKEY?
THERE YOU GO.
BENNY, UP, UP, UP!
THERE YOU GO.
SAY HI TO THE PEOPLE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS OF HOW TO FIGHT THE CORONAVIRUS?
WHAT'S THAT?
GIVE YOU MORE TURKEY?
I DON'T SEE HOW THAT WOULD HELP, BUT AS A GREAT MAN ONCE SAID...
>> WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?
( MAKING SOUNDS TO GET ATTENTION )
UP HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE HEAD OF INFECTIOUS DISEASE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE HEAD OF THE N.I.H.
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT!
BYE-BYE, NO MORE TURKEY!
HE'S GOING TO GO STRAIGHT FOR MY THROAT.
THE DOG BREEDER IN CHARGE OF KEEPING YOU ALIVE IS BRIAN
HARRISON, AND UNTIL 2018, HE RAN A COMPANY CALLED "DALLAS
LABRADOODLES."
NOW WE KNOW WHO CROSS-BRED TRUMP'S HAIR.
TRUMP'S GOTTEN A LOT CRITICISM FOR HOW HE'S HANDLED THE CRISIS,
BUT YESTERDAY HE UNVEILED A NEW PLAN TO FIX EVERYTHING.
>> I AM EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THAT IN THE COMING WEEKS, THE
AIR FORCE THUNDERBIRDS ARE INCREDIBLE, AND THE NAVY BLUE
ANGELS, EQUALLY INCREDIBLE, WILL BE PERFORMING AIR SHOWS OVER
AMERICA'S MAJOR CITIES AND SOME OF THE CITIES THAT AREN'T MAJOR
CITIES.
WE'RE PAYING TRIBUTE TO OUR FRONT LINE HEALTH CARE WORKERS
CONFRONTING COVID.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S FIGHTING A RESPIRATORY VIRUS WITH OUR
MILITARY.
JUST LIKE IN THE TOM CRUISE CLASSIC, "TOP LUNG."
BUT A JET PLANE FLY-BY ISN'T JUST FUN AND GAMES:
>> THEY'RE GOING TO BEE DOING A LOT OF WORK, A LOT OF
DANGEROUS FLYING.
IT'S DANGEROUS, YOU KNOW THE ODDS WHEN YOU START GOING
AT MASSIVE SPEEDS AND YOU ARE 18 INCHES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.
>> STEPHEN: 18 INCHES?
THAT IS DANGEROUS.
THOSE PLANES SHOULD BE FLYING AT LEAST SIX FEET APART.
AND YOU CAN'T GO OUTSIDE TO WATCH IT.
IN ORDER TO AVOID DRAWING CROWDS, THE PLANES WILL AVOID
FLYING OVER AREAS WHERE PEOPLE CAN CONGREGATE.
SO, YOU'LL JUST GET TO HEAR THEM ROAR OVERHEAD.
ALL IN ALL, A BEAUTIFUL TRIBUTE: BRIEFLY GIVING EACH AND EVERY
AMERICAN THE SENSE OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE NEAR LAGUARDIA.
DURING THE PANDEMIC, CONGRESS HAS BEEN APPROVING MONEY FOR
STATES THAT ARE STRUGGLING.
BUT THAT COULD ALL END SOON, THANKS TO SENATE MAJORITY LEADER
AND PROFILE IN PORRIDGE, MITCH MCCONNELL.
YESTERDAY, MCCONNELL SAID THAT INSTEAD OF GETTING ANY MORE
MONEY FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, STATES SHOULD
CONSIDER BANKRUPTCY.
BANKRUPTCY?
REALLY?
THEY'RE AMERICAN STATES, NOT TRUMP CASINOS.
UNSURPRISINGLY, MCCONNELL'S "SCREW THE STATES" PLAN ISN'T
VERY POPULAR WITH THE STATES.
NOT EVEN AMONG CONSERVATIVES.
LAST NIGHT, NEW YORK REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN PETER KING TWEETED
THAT TAKING AWAY FUNDING FOR "COPS, FIREFIGHTERS AND
HEALTHCARE WORKERS MAKES MCCONNELL THE MARIE ANTOINETTE
OF THE SENATE."
A POWERFUL IMAGE.
WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
I HAVE SEEN TOO MUCH.
I MUST WIPE AWAY MY EYES.
HEY, I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT MY GUEST TONIGHT, BILLIONAIRE
PHILANTHROPIST AND VELMA FROM "SCOOBY DOO," BILL GATES.
GATES WARNED THE WORLD THAT WE WEREN'T READY FOR A PANDEMIC IN
A TED TALK IN MARCH 2015.
NOTICE THAT DESPITE HIS DIRE PREDICTION, HE'S WEARING A
CHEERY PINK SWEATER.
THE WORSE THE NEWS, THE HAPPIER HIS OUTFIT.
TONIGHT, I JUST HOPE HE'S NOT DRESSED AS A TELETUBBY.
WE'VE GOT "A SHOW" FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO BILL GATES.
STICK AROUND.
HERE ARE THE ACTUAL QUESTIONS.
THEN JOINED BY THE STARS OF "HOMELAND," CLAIRE DANES AND
MANDY PATINKIN, TO TALK ABOUT THE SERIES FINALE THIS SUNDAY.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪