WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TODAY, OF COURSE, WAS THE OFFICIAL STATE FUNERAL FOR
PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH, SO IT WAS A QUIET DAY IN AMERICA.
THERE WAS NO MAIL DELIVERY, FEDERAL OFFICES WERE SHUTTERED,
WALL STREET WAS CLOSED.
ALTHOUGH, THAT WAS BECAUSE AFTER YESTERDAY'S 800-POINT PLUNGE,
THEY WERE ALL BUYING CLEAN UNDERWEAR.
( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS QUITE A MOVING SIGHT TO SEE THE PRESIDENTS AND THE FIRST
LADIES IN THE FRONT ROW, WAITING TO HONOR PRESIDENT BUSH,
CHATTING COMFORTABLY WITH ONE ANOTHER.
UNTIL TRUMP SHOWED UP, AND THEN IT BECAME SILENT-STARING TIME.
DONALD TRUMP IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO CAN BRING DOWN
A FUNERAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN CAME THE POINT IN THE CEREMONY WHERE THE PRIEST AND
THE CONGREGATION READ THE APOSTLES' CREED.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT ODD PERSON OUT IN THIS CLIP.
>> HE SUFFERED UNDER PONTIUS PILATE, WAS CRUCIFIED, AND WAS
BURIED.
HE DESCENDED TO THE DEAD.
ON THE THIRD DAY, HE ROSE AGAIN.
HE ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN.
( LAUGHTER )
SORRY.
I ZONED OUT THERE FOR A MINUTE.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT ALL THE EVANGELICALS WHO VOTED FOR ME.
OKAY, WHAT ARE WE DOING?
THE MACARENA?
I'M IN."
OOF COURSE HE WAS NOT INVITED TO BARBARA BUSH'S FUNERAL.
THEY ASSURED HIM THE CHOIR WOULD DROWN OUT THE SOUND OF OTHER
EX-PRESIDENTS ROLLING IN THEIR GRAVES.
LAUGH THE CEREMONY WAS A TOUCHING
TRIBUTE TO A KIND MAN WHO HAD DEDICATED HIS ENTIRE LIFE TO
PUBLIC SERVICE.
>> WHEN GEORGE BUSH WAS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA, EVERY SINGLE HEAD OF GOVERNMENT IN THE WORLD KNEW
THAT THEY WERE DEALING WITH A GENTLEMAN, A GENUINE LEADER, ONE
WHO WAS DISTINGUISHED, RESOLUTE, AND BRAVE.
>> IF YOU WERE DOWN, HE WOULD RUSH TO LIFT YOU UP.
AND IF YOU WERE SOARING, HE WOULD RUSH TO SAVOR YOUR
SUCCESS.
>> HIS LIFE CODE, AS HE SAID, WAS "TELL THE TRUTH.
DON'T BLAME PEOPLE."
>> Stephen: STIRRING WORDS.
BUT CNN PUT THOSE WORDS IN A NEW CONTEXT.
>> SOME OF THE COMMENTS-- I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HEARING MEACHAM
SAY, "TELL THE TRUTH.
DON'T BLAME PEOPLE.
DO YOUR BEST.
FORGIVE, STAY THE COURSE."
>> IT SOUNDS ANTI-TRUMP, BUT IT ISN'T NECESSARILY.
>> Stephen: NAH, IT KIND OF IS.
( LAUGHTER )
AS YOU START PRAISING AS SOON AS YOU START-- AS SOON
AS YOU START PRAISING SOMEONE'S HONESTY, YOU'RE AUTOMATICALLY
SOMEONE'S HONESTY, YOU'RE AUTOMATICALLY THROWING SHADE AT
DONALD TRUMP.
I MEAN, OBAMA MADE TRUMP SEEM LIKE A BAD PRESIDENT JUST BY
SITTING NEXT TO HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH THE BUSH FAMILY AT BLAIR HOUSE.
HERE HE IS ARRIVING BY PRESIDENTIAL MOTORCADE.
HERE'S THE THING-- BLAIR HOUSE IS LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET
FROM BLAIR HOUSE.
AND TRUMP USED THE MOTORCADE TO TRAVEL 250 YARDS.
THAT'S LIKE MAILING A LETTER TO YOUR WIFE BECAUSE SHE'S UPSTAIRS
AND YOU CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE.
AND, REMEMBER, THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T JUST HOP IN A CAR.
TRUMP USED A STRETCH LIMO AND AN EIGHT-VEHICLE MOTORCADE.
MPW. WE DID THE MATH, AND EIGHT S.U.V.s PLUS A STRETCH LIMO
LINED END TO END IS ABOUT 50 YARDS.
( LAUGHTER )
STARTED THE ENGINES, IT WAS ALREADY ONE-FIFTH OF THE WAY
THERE.