- A little bit about me
'cause I know you're wondering.
(audience laughs)
I sit down when I pee.
(audience laughs)
'Cause I like to pee with the option to poop.
(audience laughs)
Anybody else?
(audience cheers and applauds)
It's a guys only question.
(audience laughs)
Girls are always pooping.
(audience laughs)
At least that's what I've been .
(audience laughs)
You guys want a joke?
Is that what you want?
Knock, knock.
- [Audience] Who's there?
- Chain letter.
- [Audience] Chain letter who?
- Tell this joke to 10 people or your mom will die.
(audience laughs)
It's true.
(audience applauds)
(strums guitar)
Have you ever wondered if my dae
any sandwich on the McDonald's ,
what sandwich would my dad be?
Have you ever wondered that?
Well, I have,
and my dad would be the McRib.
Because you never know when he's gonna be in town.
(audience laughs)
And then when you find out that,
you get really excited, but you don't see him anyways.
I dedicate this first song to m.
They're not here right now.
They're alive, they're just not.
(audience laughs)
♪ You should get married before you have kids ♪
♪ So you can make them sad whenever you get divorced. ♪
(audience laughs)
Thanks, mom and dad.
(audience laughs)
♪ Then Mom, you'll get a boyfri♪
♪ and his name will be Larry ♪
♪ And he'll tickle me ♪
(audience laughs)
Why did you have to tickle me, ?
(audience laughs)
Why did you let Larry tickle me?
(audience laughs)
Little word of advice.
If you want your kid to grow up and be creepy,
name him Larry.
(audience laughs)
Works like 99% of the time.
By round of applause,
who knows a creepy Larry?
(audience applauds)
True story.
When I was younger, Larry would give me money all the time.
He actually gave all the kids in the neighborhood money.
Yeah, he was a pedal philanthro.
(audience laughs)
You have to know what two words are to get that joke.
(audience laughs)
Chances are you probably know the worst one.
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry.
For this next joke, I have step.
(audience laughs)
I don't like to call my stepdad my stepdad.
I like to call him my faux pas.
(audience laughs)
It's true.
My grandpa has Alzheimer's
so I bought him a memory foam pillow for his birthday.
(audience laughs)
It remembers better than he doe.
(audience laughs)
It remembers my birthday.
(audience laughs)
Have you ever gotten to a pillot
with a memory foam pillow?
You'd remember.
That's the one pillow fight you'll never forget, ever.
Do you guys like to text messag?
I don't like to text
but I will occasionally call my,
say four words, then hang up.
(audience laughs)
Sometimes he'll call back, say LOL and then hang up.
(audience laughs)
Sometimes he tells me that he's.
(audience laughs)
For some reason.
I don't like to call them farts.
I don't know about you guys.
I like to call them food ghosts.
(audience laughs)
'Cause then instead of smelling,
you're like solving a mystery.
Dude, what was that?
That was the ghost of pepperoni.