( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S MONDAY, WHICH IS A ROUGH
DAY FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE.
BUT IF YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY, AT LEAST IT WASN'T AS BAD
AS THE WEATHER CHANNEL'S CAMERAMAN WHO WAS ASSIGNED TO
COVER THE DEMOLITION OF THE GEORGIA DOME.
>> BUS!
YOU'RE IN THE WAY!
BUS!
GET OUT OF THE WAY BUS!
UGH!
WHAT THE-- (BLEEP)
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: I GOTTA TELL YA, THIS IS GOING TO RUIN THE
WEATHER CHANNEL'S REPUTATION AS THE PLACE TO WATCH
BUILDINGS EXPLODE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I JUST WANT TO SAY, CAN A
BUS DRIVE IN FRONT OF 2017?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OR JUST PARK IN FRONT OF CHARLIE ROSE?
( LAUGHTER ) MONDAY ALSO MEANS THAT IT'S TIME
TO DIG THROUGH TRUMP'S WEEKEND TWEETS AND PICK OUT THE KERNELS
OF CORN.
FIRST UP, BASKETBALL.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT WHILE HE WAS IN CHINA, TRUMP ASKED
CHINA'S PRESIDENT XI JINPING TO RELEASE THREE U.C.L.A. PLAYERS
WHO HAD BEEN ARRESTED FOR SHOPLIFTING FROM A CHINESE
MALL -- EASILY, THE MOST SCANDALOUS
THING TO HAPPEN IN A MALL THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE ROY MOORE.
BUT TRUMP COULDN'T RESIST --
( APPLAUSE ) BUT TRUMP COULDN'T RESIST
TWEETING, "DO YOU THINK THE THREE U.C.L.A. BASKETBALL
PLAYERS WILL SAY THANK YOU PRESIDENT TRUMP?"
( LAUGHTER ) IMAGINE THANKSGIVING AT THE
TRUMP HOUSE: "LET'S GO AROUND THE TABLE AND
ALL SAY WHAT WE'RE THANKFUL TO ME FOR.
I'LL START."
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
THE PLAYERS DID THANK THE PRESIDENT, BUT, ON FRIDAY, ONE
OF THEIR FATHERS, LAVAR BALL, SHOT BACK AT TRUMP.
NOW, BALL HAS MADE A CAREER OUT OF BAITING PEOPLE TO GET
PUBLICITY FOR HIS COMPANY, BIG BALLER BRAND-- WHICH IS A
BASKETBALL LIFESTYLE BRAND AND NOT, AS I THOUGHT, A COMPANY
THAT MAKES PANTS FOR MEN WITH HUSKY TESTICLES.
( LAUGHTER ) BIG AND TALL.
SO WHEN ESPN ASKED HIM ABOUT TRUMP'S INVOLVEMENT IN GETTING
HIS SON RELEASED, BALL REPLIED, "WHO?"
( LAUGHTER ) OUCH!
PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW HIM IS THE MEANEST THING YOU CAN DO TO
DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) KNOWING WHO HE IS IS HIS WHOLE
THING.
THAT'S WHY HE PUTS HIS NAME ON ALL OF HIS BUILDINGS AND ONE OF
HIS KIDS.
WELL, SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, BUT HE IS THE
PRESIDENT AND FAR ABOVE RESPONDING TO A PUBLICITY-HUNGRY
TROLL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT WHAT'S-HIS-NAME TOOK
THE BAIT, TWEETING: "NOW THAT THE THREE BASKETBALL
PLAYERS ARE OUT OF CHINA AND SAVED FROM YEARS IN JAIL, LAVAR
BALL, THE FATHER OF LIANGELO, IS UNACCEPTING OF WHAT I DID FOR
HIS SON AND THAT SHOPLIFTING IS NO BIG DEAL.
I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THEM IN JAIL!"
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) MR. TRUMP, MAYBE NOW'S NOT THE
BEST TIME TO BE IMPLYING THAT SOMEONE'S KID SHOULD GO TO JAIL
FOR WHAT THEIR DAD DID.