Breaking away from someone who has an addiction is an extremely
hard decision to make and there's nothing that I can do
to make it easy for you however in this video I'm gonna give you some guidelines to go by that will
at least help you think the situation through strategically for those of you who are new here
welcome to put the shovel down I'm Amber Hollingsworth and this YouTube
channel is all about helping you with the science and psychology of addiction
so you can get your family and your life back on track get back out there
and live the life that you want to live I want you to know you are not powerless
you do not have to hit rock bottom and there are many things you can do to help
an addicted loved one if you wanna be back in control of your life subscribe to this channel
and I'll make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction
and don't forget hit the little bell if you want access to the bonus episodes
we're gonna talk about when to break away and how to do it now let's get into our topic as I
said before this is a very very difficult decision for a ton of reasons number one it's not going to
be an easy thing to do it may not be logistically easy the person may strongly resist your efforts
and then of course there are all those mixed feelings that you have
the guilt that you have about leaving you maybe you feel like you're their last sort of bridge
out there and if you leave they'll for sure fail maybe you're scared of what will happen to them
when you do walk away from this relationship maybe you're still holding out hope that they're
gonna turn it around because you do see little glimpses of the real them every now and then
and it keeps sucking you back into the relationship and then there's all the
self-doubt that you might have because in all likelihood if you're in a relationship with
someone who has an addiction you've probably been being gaslit a little bit meaning they've
made you doubt yourself they've made you doubt your reality and you may be questioning
am I the crazy one maybe I am being overly uptight about it maybe it's not going on
all of these mixed-up feelings make the decision
very difficult and that leads us to when to break away from someone who has an addiction to drugs
alcohol gambling any addiction you need to break away after you've given it a lot of
thought this is not a decision that you need to make in the heat of the moment in a big argument
after you've found some paraphernalia or caught them doing something that they
shouldn't have done it's not a decision that you wanna at
the moment quickly now the reason for that is when you make it at that moment quickly
number one you're not really prepared to pull it off you don't have the situation ironed out
and number two you're making that decision emotionally and you're doing it reactively
which means once the emotion dies down and it will then you're very
likely to go back on your decision this isn't a decision that you're making out of emotion
this should be a well planned out decision that you're making
now the next thing that comes under our when category is
you do it when you are doing it for yourself a lot of people feel pressure
to break off any kind of relationship with someone who has an addiction whether it's a
romantic relationship a family relationship a friend relationship because they feel like if
they stay in relationship with this person they could be enabling them
but that's honestly not a good reason to break away
from someone who has an addiction like a lot of people have this false thought
that if they pull away from that person that person's gonna hit bottom and they're
gonna get better that is not likely gonna be what happens okay when you make this choice
doesn't make it about what's best for them make this choice because it's what is best for you
and like I said earlier after you've given it a lot of thought now another thing that comes
into the when category is when you feel like you've given it your best you wanna kinda walk
away feeling like okay I tried all the stuff amber teaches me on these videos I've really
done what I could and I can feel good about stepping back without feeling terrible in my heart
okay so make sure you feel strongly that you've done what you could do
that way you won't blame yourself later if something happens to them you won't second
guess your decision and then end up backtracking on it okay because that's important now also
another big huge one about when it's time to break away from a relationship is when it is unsafe
now we should put a big gold star by this one I probably should have started with it if it is
unsafe you need to move away and in that situation you may even have to break it away faster or
quicker without having done some of these other things I'm saying now I know on some level
any kinda relationship with someone who has an addiction is unsafe but I'm talking about unsafe
like you need to urgently get out of there like something is imminently bad gonna happen to you
your kids someone else like it's just bad chaos you need to get out of there
and if that's the situation you may need to do whatever you've gotta do to get out of there
quickly if that's not the situation and you know it's unhealthy for you
and you need to get out of there but it's not like imminent then I'm gonna strongly
advise that you need to take the time behind the scenes before you've had this conversation
and we're gonna talk about that conversation just a minute
but before you have the conversation you need to really plan it out
logistically like for example if this is your partner and they're the one that makes the money
and brings home the money and maybe you stay home then this can be a little bit complicated
you need to think this through maybe you need to get a job and save up some money
maybe you need to do a little research and find out what resources are out there maybe you need to
have some conversations with some family member or friends that might give you a place to stay
for a while take the time to do this smart do it strategically and make sure you think it through
if you really wanna distance yourself from this relationship this is how you need to do
it now you might be thinking to yourself Amber well how do you know when it's the right thing
for you I actually have a video about it it's called four reasons to walk away and I'll link
it up at the end of this video because it goes perfectly with what we're talking about today
before you watch that one let's move on to how to break away from this relationship now
if it's one of those unsafe situations you just get out of there whatever you have to do okay
but if it's not imminently dangerous then you really do need to have a face to face conversation
with this person about what's happening and you need to do it in as calm of a manner as possible
you may wanna do this in public not somewhere that's so public that you can't have
you know a private conversation but also somewhere where it's maybe not nearly as
likely to get super dramatic or go like Jerry Springer on you or something now you've heard
me say this a lot in my videos about having conversations with people difficult ones
keep it short do not leave a lot of room in this conversation for going back and forth
do not argue about it do not place a lot of blame anywhere do not give them 500 examples of how
you've given them 500 chances this is not the time to express your resentment this is not the time to
try to convince them that they are addicted because if you're to the point of having
this conversation I'm guessing you already had that other conversation a hundred times
am I right don't do it when there are kids around whether they're your kids
they're kids someone else's kids because this is a very grown-up conversation in fact I want
you to be more than fair about if there's a splitting up and who gets what I want you to
more than fair because this will help you to have that good feeling in your
heart which will help you not cave in the long run because you're going to feel solid
you're going to know you did everything good you're going to know you were kind about it
and you're going to know that you were more than fair about it this
is going to help you stay solid and not second guess yourself now don't be so
much more than fair that you totally like screw yourself over but Don
fight and argue about stupid things like pieces of furniture and who did what because that's going
to keep you stuck in this relationship and the whole purpose of breaking away
is because it's become toxic for you and it's what you have to do for yourself be
empathetic but don't cave now when I say don't cave what I mean
is this oftentimes when it comes to the points that you're really ready and
you're gonna sit down and you're gonna have this conversation with someone they may say
okay I know I promise I'm done I'm gonna stop I'm gonna go to rehab I'll go right now and they may
start to like promise you all these things but don't let that make you say well okay as long
as you promise you're gonna go today or tomorrow you're gonna go to meetings or whatever I'll stay
when you're making this choice you gotta remember you've made it for yourself
you've made it because you're sure and you need to leave because if you stay
you are not going to be okay and you're not going to trust them and you're going to be
a crazy lunatic so the way you need to communicate that is something along the lines of
look I care for you so much but I think that what you want and I want doesn't really go together
anymore and for that reason I'm gonna have to break it off or if this isn't a romantic type
relationship the word breaking it off may not sound right but get some distance or something
like that now if it is a romantic relationship I don't want you to use the term get distance
cuz that means that leaves room for a gray area if it's a romantic relationship you really need
to put a hard stop to it don't leave it in this we can be friends zone I'm not saying you can't
be friends with them but a lot of times when we are in this breakup zone we want to be like this
let's just be friends category and the thing of it is whatever's going on with that person
is making you sick and toxic and even if it's close to you a little bit it's going to keep
sucking you back in now eventually you may be able to do that with this person
but probably not until you've allowed yourself some good time and distance from the situation
you don't have to tell them that they're an addict
you don't have to tell them that they're an alcoholic you don't have to tell them that
you're leaving because you know they're never going to change all of that is just sort of like
starting a fight or an argument or at least has a higher potential to do that they're gonna know
what you mean when you say something along the lines of I think you're headed in one direction
and I'm headed in another direction and I've decided that it's best for us to part ways right
don't say I think it's best or I think it might be best because then again
It's a leaving room you can say I've decided fill in the blank and here are the reasons
give them clear reasons that you're backing away from this but you don't have to go into specifics
and arguments and tell them how many times they promised but they didn't follow through with it
this is a situation where you're really going to need all of your assertiveness skills like
seriously you're gonna have to like do some serious meditation and go bring on all that
assertiveness stuff and you may even wanna watch some of my boundaries videos to get yourself
ready to go and once you have the conversation you need to sort of pull the plug cuz after
you've had the conversation it's not gonna be good for a bit right
they're either gonna beg plead promise or threaten or argue or yell
or their addiction is gonna get a lot worse because they're upset and they're stressed
which brings me to point if things get worse for them after you leave I don't want you to
blame yourself that's why I told you I wanted you to do all of those things that you could do
that's why I told you I wanted you to be more than fair give them more than their fair share of stuff
don't worry about what they're going to do with the stuff or the money that's on them
that's not on you what's on you is to walk away with a clear heart when you have the clear heart
and you're ready and you're prepared and you have the conversation then you need to pull the plug
you need to move quickly either you need to have already moved your stuff away if you live with
this person or you need to have already made arrangements now in some certain circumstances
it may be a situation where you're like this isn't going to go well and this person
might blow up my phone or try to stalk me on social media
and so those are some of the things that you may need to take care of before you have the
conversation and then literally have everything ready to go maybe they need to be blocked maybe
you need to go off of social media for a while be ready to make the moves don't sit around
for days and weeks after the fact and then figure it out because that's gonna be a very
high-risk time for some not great things to happen
at this point it is time to make moves now one other thing we need to talk about in this
conversation is what to do when you get backlash from other people but before we do that you may be
thinking to yourself how do I know if I'm ready how do I get ready I'm not exactly sure what to
say if you're really struggling with this and you need some coaching on how to really pull this off
then consider having a session with one of our family recovery specialists
they can help you think this decision through
make sure that you're ready make sure that you have a good plan on it because this is a decision
I really want you to feel solid about I don't want you to go back and second guess it
I don't want you to cave under pressure I don't want you to cave because of some negative emotion
you've got to be solid so if you need a little help with that I'm gonna put a
link in the description on how to schedule a consultation session now as if the whole
situation with the person isn't difficult enough I hate to tell you this but you're
probably even going to get some backlash and some hate and some shade from other people
now why does that happen well it's going to happen because the person with the addiction
is going to feel really upset with you they're gonna feel really sorry for
themselves and they're gonna go and tell everyone that y'all know in common how
terrible you are to them and how you left them when they needed you most and all this stuff
and so you can get backlash because of that you can get backlash because now that you sort
of dropped the rope and you're not managing the situation any more other people are mad because
now they have to deal with it right like if this is your spouse maybe you've been trying to get
their parents to be involved but they wouldn't and now you're out and now those parents are mad
you because now you've like left them with it okay but there are a lot of reasons why you might get
some backlash about it maybe other people don't even know how bad the problem they've been having
and so they're looking at you like you're selfish and mean and how could you
so that's another thing I want you to be fully prepared for you can't control those things
and I don't want you to try now to be honest most of that is going to go on behind your back
and you're not going to see it or hear it and that is totally fine
in fact it's better if you don't see it or hear it don't go looking
for it don't go trying to find out what somebody said about you behind your back
that's just ridiculous that's just bad advice ever don't be snooping around and calling your
friends to find out how the person's doing or what they're saying about you that won't
end well now in the event that someone does say something to you directly about the situation
that makes you feel like they're being sort of snarky about why you left then you can just
say I know it was a really hard decision for me and there's a big part of my heart
that's really sad about that but ultimately it's just what I had to do for both of us that's what I
want you to say that's pretty clear that's pretty direct it's kind it's empathetic but don't leave
a lot of room for arguing about it don't try to convince them that this person is really an addict
don't try to tell them all the things you did to try and how no one help you don't once you've
decided this we're moved on past all that right and then we're just going to walk away from the
conversation and we're going to be okay with them thinking whatever they're going to think
because the truth of it is in most situations when after they've been dealing with it for
a while they're going to be backed into that same corner that you got backed into
they'll figure it out for themselves you don't have to convince them now once again I've put
that link in the description plus there are links in there for all kinds of other resources now
as promised up next I want you to watch this video for reasons to walk away
I'd like to send a big heartfelt thanks to all of you who helped support this channel
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this wouldn't be possible now this next video has been hand-selected to go right along with
this one and don't forget to check the description for additional resources