(gasp)
- [Jen] I'm gay, I'm sorry.
- [Niki] Pick him up.
- Stop yelling at me.
- Look at how happy she is.
(crying)
- [Jen] Fucking Christ, Niki!
- [Niki] I don't know what's happening!
(yelling)
- Is this is what it's like to be a parent?
- We're becoming fathers.
- Ha ha.
keep singing!
(laughter)
- We will have our first baby.
- These are babies that they use
for, like, educational purposes.
So it's gonna function like a baby
but it looks a little creepy.
- We're gay but we're not dating.
- We're not dating.
- No.
- I don't know if we're gonna be friends after this.
- I think I'm gonna be a great dad,
like, dream job is dad.
- Do you want kids?
- Yeah.
- I'm the oldest of three siblings.
- We're definitely gonna be better parents
than Jen and Niki.
- We're gonna have this baby for a weekend.
Do you have plans?
- Yeah, smoke weed and cry.
- We figured out a good schedule for both of us
and then on Sunday
we're just gonna have fun with our baby.
- Yeah, I think I'll be a good mom.
I just have to marry somebody
that doesn't have ADHD and it'll balance out.
- I don't have ADHD.
- Oh God.
- Careful of it's neck.
- [Jen] Look into his eyes.
Is he alive?
- Not yet.
- Don't look at me.
- Don't put your hand over a baby's face.
- I wanna look away from it.
- Bart?
- Okay this is Bart.
He came right out of my va-jeen-gine.
- Addison Duggan-Nguyen.
- Our one condition for the weekend
is that neither of us is allowed
to call the other one daddy.
- Is he alive?
Oh fuck.
- Back to work.
- Cool okay. - [Jen] It's a baby.
- Well we'll see how this goes.
- Bye.
Day one and we are gonna go get dinner
and my loving baby-mama is sitting in the backseat,
with a baby!
- Jameson and I are taking our baby,
Addison over here to dinner.
- It's her first time in public.
- As soon as we get in the drive-thru,
and have to interact with people,
he just starts screaming.
- Screaming.
(crying)
- Okay!
Nothing's happening!
Well In-N-Out,
they like come to your car window to talk to you;
so it's like a person,
it's not like a box.
(crying)
- [Jen] Could I please get one number two with Coke?
(crying)
- I think I fucked him up.
- Well you must have done something bad.
- Changed the diaper and everything.
All we were doing was going through a drive-thru,
which is the easier option of getting fast-food,
and it was still really hard.
- Night one of fatherhood,
Addison acted up a little bit
and it's just really hard,
to listen to a baby cry in the backseat
and you can't do anything.
- She just doesn't stop.
("Dance Of The Sugarplum Fairy" by Tchaikovsky)
- [Niki] Rice Ball, do you like him?
- [Jen] Like the baby Rice Ball?
- We decided that we were gonna do a sleep over
the next night.
- So Jen left.
- [Jen] I went home. - So I had the baby.
All right, bye Jen.
- [Jen] Bye Niki, see you tomorrow.
- [Niki] See you tomorrow.
- [Jen] Peace!
- [Niki] Say bye, Bart.
(door slams)
(heavy sigh)
- I started getting really into it,
without even noticing.
I started caressing her and then I thought,
oh my gosh wait,
this baby isn't a real baby.
Friday night was great,
super chill.
Saturday was when like all hell broke loose.
(crying)
- [Kevin] No?
No milk?
Okay.
My glasses broke in half
and I went in to Target.
And of course she wants her diaper changed,
so I'm just like, okay,
clear all the clothes off of the table.
Everybody's walking around
and they're like staring at me hardcore,
and judging me.
I'm just like, you know what?
I have a baby I have to take care of.
And so I change her diaper right there.
- I tell Niki,
okay, I'm gonna be at your apartment
by like one or 2:30.
- No, you said like noon.
- Jen said she had a haircut at 10:30
and that she'd come by after to get the baby.
She just texted me and told me
her haircut was actually at 1:30,
so she's not gonna be here until three.
So while you're gone,
my sister comes to visit and we try to go get food.
The second I step outside the car,
of course he starts screaming.
(crying)
Babies have sensitive necks,
like real babies,
so if you put their necks in weird positions
they get very upset because you're mishandling them.
Okay I think I mishandled him,
'cause he's screaming really badly.
(crying)
I don't know what to do.
There's only so much I can do,
I'm one person.
- It's time for a little quality time,
with me and little Miss Addison.
Now I'm gonna try and cook a meal for myself.
- I don't know,
I feel kinda guilty just leaving her behind.
Can't wait to be reunited with my daughter.
- Right after he gets done screaming,
for like 30 minutes. - [Jen] I'm the luckiest woman
in the world.
- He's yours now, take him.
- He was so calm.
As soon as I got to Niki's house
that baby just like did not cry.
- Nothing.
- Trying to get ready to go to a birthday party
and she decides that she is now hungry.
I don't know how new parents can be anywhere on time
because time really stops when your baby needs to
eat, or drink, or do anything.
- We are going to Olive Garden,
a family restaurant,
because what a family.
- We're next to a table with actual children.
- He's real narky.
(laughing)
- Nothing was happening,
he was sleeping.
But I was so anxious just sitting there,
waiting for something to happen.
He's still hungry,
he's just being fussy.
(crying)
- What is happening?
- Okay.
- There was like an element of pride,
like I am responsible enough to have a child
and to have us somewhere where he can sit.
- When you take a robotic baby to Dave & Busters,
prepare to get a lot of stares
an people judging you
because they don't understand fatherhood.
Also, all the minors had to leave after 10pm
but since Addison's a robot
she was allowed to stay.
- Niki's gonna go to sleep in her room.
I'mma sleep next to the little nugget out here
and if he cries I will start crying,
and that will surely wake Niki up.
- Around two AM she started crying.
She wanted to be fed,
so did that.
She drank from her bottle for like 15 minutes
which doesn't make sense,
that length of time.
- Having a child,
the early years,
is pretty much a guarantee
you will not get a good night sleep most of the time.
- We are on the way,
to going on a morning stroll with Addison.
- I'm sure I'll get emotional on the stroll.
- [Niki] What time is it Jen?
- It's 10:54.
- [Niki] Have you moved from this couch yet?
- No.
- This has been great,
like this has been so much fun.
I've loved it.
- Just the idea of not having Addison anymore
(laughing) kinda scares me.
(lighthearted music)
(laughing)
(crying)
(heaving sighing)
- Anyways, one day we met up
with Jameson and Kevin for bunch.
- Whooo!
Bye baby.
I think, if anything,
I just learned that like doing it for like two days,
at a very easy level,
was frustrating.
So it's like the fact that you can do it
for the rest of your life is impressive.
So thank you moms and dads.
- Sorry Mom.
- I thought it was like pretty good and responsible
but at the same time it's like,
it's a handful.
Because you don't realize it
until you're actually in it,
that you're doing it,
that you're like
oh my gosh this is what parents do.
It's like a second job,
having like a kid.
- So the babies have like a computer inside,
that monitors like your response time;
it monitors how much you take care of them;
it can tell if they've been mishandled.
- Addison knows we love her.
- I totally think that we did better than Jen and Niki.
- Yeah, I think they're gonna do a better score
just because it seemed like
they actually fell in love with their kid.
- Yeah, they like cared.
- What did we get?
C plus?
(laughing)
- [Narrator] An 86.
- What?
- That's a B.
- That's a solid B.
- We got a B?
- Parenting.
(claps)
- [Narrator] You guys scored 47%.
(record scratches)
- What?
- That's not possible.
- No way.
- There's literally no way that that's possible.
- 47 out of a hundred?
- What did Jen and Niki get?
- [Narrator] 86%.
(paper crumpling)
- Shut up!
That's not possible!
(laughter)
We love our baby!
- We got an 86 and they got an F?
- Honestly thought we'd come out at the bottom,
on this one.
- I refuse, I refuse to believe this.
I'm gonna leave now.
- Good job buddy.
- [Niki] We did it.
- We did it.
(claps) And we stayed friends.
- This is why you can't measure parenting.
- Yeah, you can't measure it.
I know I'm gonna be a good parent.
- We did it.
- We did it!
- Yes.
- Have a good weekend.
- They're gone.
(laughing) - They're deactivated.
(yelling)
- Use your own baby.
That's our baby.