- In the North Pole, children fall into two categories: Naughty and Nice.
However, in the North Pole court of appeals, the Naughty list is always checked twice.
As a result, every year there are several where this distinction is contested.
This, is one of those cases.
- All rise for the honorable St. Nicholas J Claus.
- Be seated.
Case 1191 on the docket,
Timothy J Sanders; it says here that you are accused of beating up your little brother, Davie.
How do you plead?
- My client pleads not guilty your honor.
We think this inclusion on the Naughty list is part of an elaborate smear campaign by his younger, half-brother, David.
- And the prosecution, Mr. Sprinklestein?
- Your honor, I believe I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that
Timothy gave his younger brother ample amounts of
nougies, swirlies, and a particularly painful dead leg.
All the while repeatedly referring to him as a "dumb dumb bubblegum."
- Language, counselor.
- I'm sorry your honor, I'm just trying to make the point that the defendant is a repeat offender,
and his placement on the Naughty list is long overdue.
- Mr. Gumdrop, the floor is yours.
[Gravel slams]
- It says here you're a bit of a dramatic child, David.
I mean, look at that bow-tie.
Seems you like being the center of attention.
- Objection. Leading the witness. -Sustained.
Please rephrase the question, counselor.
- I have here a direct quote from your step-dad, Ron,
obtained from a series of late night text messages. Now, we all know he likes to drink,
but I think there's some validity to this.
"David's a spineless prick who will do anything for attention.
I wish he was more like his brother, Timmy.
Pam even said he was an accident anyway."
Pam of course, as we all know, is the accusers mom.
- Mom said what?
- You know what she said.
So I ask, does this seem like a case of my client attacking his younger brother, just to get his rocks off?
Or is it really a younger brother acting out of jealousy?
Because no one likes him, or ever will.
No further questions.
- Mr. Gumdrop makes many interesting points.
All of them assumptions.
I come to you with cold, hard facts.
These are pictures taken by our forensics team after the beatings occurred.
- Alleged beatings.
- Exhibit A, discoloration on the forehead. Classic nougie.
Exhibit B, note the contusions - both matching exactly the size of your client's fist.
And of course, Exhibit C. This is a loogie sample.
Alright, and it matches your client's DNA.
Traces were found all over David's collar.
Now your honor, Timothy was engaging in what legal precedent from Joey V. Andrew, 1985, has deemed
juvenile waterboarding.
Allowing a loogie to dangle precariously from the mouth, until sucked back in at the last second.
Well, apparently, this alleged 'nice kid' missed the mark on a number of occasions.
Thank you.
[Gravel slams]
- Timothy you've been on the Nice list for eight straight years. Impressive.
Now, I'mma ask you a question and I want you to answer honestly.
Did you hurt your little brother?
- No, of course not.
I love him, more than anything.
Even if mom and Ron don't.
I still do.
- If I could cry, I would right now.
Your witness.
- So, Timothy.
Tell me what you asked for for Christmas this year.
- Fallout 4, sir. - Cool game.
I happen to have a copy right here, you wanna take a look?
Now, you know you won't be getting that for Christmas this year, right?
Oh yeah. You see, cause legal precedent states that even if you do get reinstated back onto the Nice list,
you are not allowed to get your first wish.
But, I'm sure you already knew that.
- Objection! - Overruled.
- So, no Fallout 4.
Let me repeat, you will not be getting what you want for Christmas
and all because of him.
All because of this little brother that NOBODY wanted.
- Objection!
- This little brother who was an ACCIDENT.
- Your honor, are you gonna allow this?
- Look at him! See that smug look on his face?
He got what he wanted for Christmas.
He got to be BORN just to spite you.
- Objection!
- He is a dumb dumb bubblegum- - Language, counselor!
- Who needs a smack right on the face, right?! RIGHT?! - OBJECTION!
- I should of killed you off while I had the chance!
I'll pee in your bed! I'll drown you in the above ground pool!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
- Who's the dumb dumb bubblegum now, you little shit?
- I'll kill you, Davie! You haven't seen the last of me!
- Timothy was found guilty of six counts of older brother abuse. Given a used Microsoft Zune,
and sentenced to hang by the chimney with care until dead.
David was also placed on the Naughty list, on the charge of "being a little snitch."
- Are you depressed that the entire world is obsessed with something you don't give a shit about?
Don't worry! You're not Han SOLO!
Introducing Star Wars: For People Who Don't Care About It But Do Care About Fitting In!