Who took a loud gulp?
Was that you?
Sorry.
Listen, David.
It's my first time in a podcast studio.
Okay, but you just took a audible slurp,
and then.
I think it was the straw.
The point is you held it right up to the microphone.
I take discrete sips,
and I do it away from the microphone.
Now you have this,
I think it's the largest water bottle I've ever seen.
It looks like you stole a prop from Land of the Giants.
It's from HomeGoods.
A sixties reference, TV show,
anywho, you took a giant slurp,
and then I could feel the water being pushed
down your esophagus all the way into your belly.
So just be a little mindful of that, okay?
Sure, I'm so sorry.
How dare you.
If you're just joining us,
we're mid conversation with David Hopping,
who's gonna get transitioned
into Sona's role as assistant.
And that's what this segment is,
it's the second part of a major cliffhanger
from last episode.
Major.
Major, people have been beating down our doors
to find out what happens.
Wow.
Mmm hmm.
And that was me, just trying to get into kill you.
I, for calling this a cliffhanger.
The crux of the matter here is that one
Sona Talin Movsesian.
I used your middle name.
But not her last name.
You did something weird with my last name.
Also Talin is my first name.
I know, but you were, you go by Sona Talin Movsesian.
I do, yes, yes.
But your real name is Talin, see this,
I just took us into a cul-de-sac
we didn't have to go into.
[Sona] Exactly.
Let me try that again.
What we're going to do today is,
as you all know,
I think you're aware,
that Sona is carrying twins at this very moment.
Yeah.
Two unborn children in her belly
who have to listen to this podcast right now.
[Sona] I know.
The sound, some parents play Mozart to the babies,
this kid.
Yeah, I was gonna say, I was gonna say, kids hear Mozart,
they hear Chopin.
They hear Beethoven.
Your two children have for months during the, you know,
most important stages of their cerebral development
listened to us bicker
and self obsess and waste time.
They're gonna know your voice
more than they're gonna know Tak's,
and that makes me really sad.
That's right.
They'll never listen to your husband Tak.
And so you'll have to call me
and hold the phone out to them,
and I'll say, go to your cribs.
And they'll both immediately, like little soldiers,
march off to their cribs.
Oh my God.
But no, we're really excited for you.
We're really happy.
Thank you.
And it's, this event is going to happen very soon.
So obviously we need to find someone
to temporarily replace you,
and the man for the job is David Hopping,
who has been working in our office for five years.
You've been working as Jeff Ross's assistant,
he's our executive producer.
Mmm hmm.
A man of few words.
Very few words.
What's up, what's going on?
Hey, how are you doing, let's go, gotta go.
And he is, what is he?
He's not the opposite of.
Ice?
No, he's an oven mitt.
Oh.
I am a flame that needs to be controlled,
and he just, he just comes down like a big oven mitt,
and extinguishes that flame.
Okay.
Does an oven mitt extinguish the flame?
He's a fire blanket, like that kind of thing?
Yeah, I was thinking of something
that cuts off the oxygen to the fire,
like a dome.
Well, this is the cliffhanger resolution.
People have been screwed.
This is a waste of everybody's time.
David, let's try to get to the heart of the matter.
David, do you know what your duties are,
as far as being my assistant?
Not really.
Because I'm very different.
You're working now for Jeff Ross,
the executive producer of the show.
Yeah.
Okay.
And he's a guy who probably wants
to have a dinner reservation,
probably wants you to tell him what's in his appointment
book, what he has to do,
Sona and I don't have that kind of relationship.
No, 90 percent of what Conan is gonna tell you
and talk to you about
is complete and utter nonsense, wouldn't you say?
I call it gibberish.
Lots of, so many bits.
Then you have to like weed through a huge dense amount of
bits to get to something that has any sort of substance.
I call Sona often as other people,
I'm constantly saying I was in,
I was using the restroom and I walked out and my,
I had forgotten to pull up my pants
and I walked into a restaurant
and I started berating a waiter with no pants on,
and TMZ was there and they have all the footage.
And I panicked at that point and said some stuff that was
against America.
And like I keep making the story worse and worse and worse,
so I'll spend 15 minutes on that.
So unnecessary.
And then I'll say, oh,
and by the way, the medication that keeps me alive,
I'm completely out of that.
I don't lead with the most important thing.
So you have to be patient and listen to my bits, okay?
I can do that.
So many bits.
What do you do?
You just sit.
I just sit there.
I literally just sit there and just listen to it.
Okay.
[Sona] That's all you can do.
But I think David's asking a much more
intriguing question is, what is it you do?
Oh.
I don't mean just with, while I'm,
while I'm telling you a story because that's occasional,
but when I'm around putting a show together,
crafting a comedic sensibility
that will guide a generation to higher heights,
what are you doing?
That's a good question.
And you know, I, there's,
there's things that I should be doing
and then there's things that I do.
So I think those are two completely different ideas
that you have.
That was very good.
You just, if you were in front of the Senate being grilled,
they would not be able to pin you down.
Yeah, that was impressive.
That was amazing.
Wasn't that amazing, Matt?
There are things I should be doing.
And then there are things that I do.
So most of my day, and David and I worked,
have worked very closely for a long time.
Yeah.
Most of our day is spent talking about
what we're gonna get for lunch.
Then ordering lunch,
then sending someone out for lunch,
then eating lunch.
So that already sucks up like half of our day.
Yeah.
You know,
if you have shows to catch up on
or movies you want to watch, then that's important.
So I started out as Conan,
your production assistant.
Right.
And Sona one day told me if I'm ever
just waiting at my desk for her to tell me to do
something, it's fine if I watch TV.
Yeah.
Don't fire me for saying this,
but I sat at my desk and binged 14 seasons
of Grey's Anatomy.
Wow.
Is Grey's Anatomy still on?
Yeah.
They just got renewed.
It's amazing that show is still on.
It's like Gunsmoke.
It's so good.
It's, you know,
it's like a show from the fifties that's still going.
It's a good thing that it's still on,
cause you're gonna have a job where you need
to watch it.
Yeah.
And now I'm basically a doctor, so.
So you watched 14 seasons of Grey's Anatomy.
That's incredible.
And on my dime, I was paying you the whole time.
Yes.
Well, I was waiting for Sona to tell me like,
if you needed lunch or something, right.
I'm watching Chicago Hope right now.
Chicago Hope?
I don't know.
Was that the big competitor to Grey's Anatomy?
I don't know.
And then it went away after like a year or is it,
or I don't know,
these shows that are on conventional television, you know,
channels two, four, seven.
When's the last time I stumbled onto one of those?
Yeah, me either.
You know, I'm always on some streaming platform
watching Shtisel, it's a good show actually.
I like it, I like my weird European shows,
you know, with subtitles.
I do too.
And then after I watch 'em,
I feel like I know the language.
But that's not how language works.
I was watching some show.
I forget what it was,
but it was on Netflix,
and it was this foreign obscure show with subtitles.
And it was like Dutch or something.
And then after a while I realized,
this is just Grey's Anatomy.
They've just, they're just coming in through the side door.
You know, it was very similar people and,
and it was really no different.
They were just,
but I was giving it all this cred,
because it had subtitles.
It's much better.
I watched Call My Agent,
which is in French.
And then I watched Summertime,
which is in Italian.
And then I also had watched Money Heist,
which is in Spanish.
And I really feel like after I'm done with all those shows
that I can speak all those languages fluently.
Not only that, but.
[Matt] You studied abroad.
Yeah, exactly.
I watched the Bureau and Money Heist
and I felt like, yeah,
I'm just a classics enthusiast.
I got all the romantic languages down.
You know what happens?
I watch those shows.
I watch shows like that.
And I, I like to watch on a treadmill,
and I'm running at full tilt,
and I'm reading that tiny, you know,
subtitles going by.
And my eyes are like on fire
by the time the show is over
because my head's bouncing up and down
because that's how I run.
I lope more than I run.
I lope like a great wildebeast.
You had to mention full tilt, too, didn't you?
You just had to like make sure everybody knew,
like it's the toughest one on the treadmill.
Oh, did I flex?
I mean, for me, full tilt might not be for, you know,
an Olympic athlete, full tilt.
You compared yourself to an Olympic athlete.
No I just said,
an Olympic athlete would be full out running,
my fast walk feels to me like full, full on.
Your one 10th tilt.
Yes.
Anywho, we're learning a lot about you, David.
We're learning nothing about David.
David, quickly.
Just tell us,
do you think this is gonna be an easy job?
I think so.
I don't.
I'm not a demanding guy, am I?
No.
I think I'm emotionally demanding,
but I don't ask for a lot of stuff.
I've also after five years,
never seen you get mad.
I don't think.
Well, not really mad.
I get fake mad all the time.
hat's true.
I get fake mad constantly, but.
You're not a yeller.
You don't throw things.
I'm going to though now.
Why, why would you do that now?
It's gonna be a whole new Conan when you come back.
Yeah, why?
I don't know, I feel like David will just understand.
And David, you, quickly tell us your obsessions.
I know that you're obsessed with Disneyland.
I love Disneyland.
I haven't been back since they reopened, but I will.
David, there was a story halfway
through the pandemic about someone who broke
into Disneyland and went to that island,
like swam to the island and was living there.
And the workers at Disneyland found him
and I sent it to you and said,
David was this you?
That's how much David Hopping loves Disneyland,
and Britney Spears.
I do.
I'm curious, had you thought of it,
are you the type of person who would have
broken into Disneyland and lived on that island for a bit?
No, because I wouldn't want to risk
getting banned for life.
Ooh.
That's the only thing that would've stopped you.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's true.
You would have been banned for life.
[David] Yeah.
No, he would have come back with like a big fake mustache.
Just get tons of plastic surgery.
Yeah.
I'm Shm-avid.
I'm Shm-avid,
and I don't work for Shm-onan O'Brien.
Shm-avid Shmopping.
I'm Shm-avid Shmopping and I've never heard
of Shmonan O'Brien.
That makes no sense in any, in any way.
All right.
Well, I think you're gonna work out fine, David,
and I'm really rooting for you.
And I think you're gonna be a wonderful permanent
replacement for Sona Movsesian.
Permanent, you keep saying permanent.
And that's weird.
It's just, it's a Freudian slip.
It's when you accidentally say your deepest desire.
Okay.
Not permanent.
Well, maybe, who knows?
No, it'll be fine,
you'll be back.
You just love working with me.
And I know it.
I mean, I don't know love is the right word,
but I tolerate it.
You don't hate it.
I don't hate it.
[David] So that's good.
It's nice.
When we go to, we go to lunch or something,
I find somewhere really expensive.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Yeah.
You gotta look for four dollar signs.
Because he's rich?
Yeah, cause.
Rich is a relative term, as celebrities go,
I'm actually quite impoverished.
[Sona] I wouldn't say impoverished.
I'm gonna start a Go Fund Me.
For what?
Well, we got to get Conan up to Clooney levels.
He's got that tequila.
The sad part is, people would do it.
Yeah.
I want my own.
We've got to help Conan out.
You know, he's not quite, he's not at Clooney level.
He got that tequila.
I tried to come out with my own knockoff of Snapple.
I was gonna say,
do you think you have the right brand for tequila?
No, I don't know.
I think a pomade.
I keep thinking a pomade.
I think a pomade is right.
Or like a little wine cooler or something.
Oh, that'd be good.
[Conan] Yeah, sort of a fizzy.
A nice rose.
A fizzy, yeah, one of those wines
that sort of tastes like an apple juice,
and it's actually,
it's such a tame wine that it's been approved
for children by the FDA.
All right.
Well, let's move on, but David, I'm glad,
very good to have you aboard.
Thank you.